Published November 1, 2013 | Blessingsingratitude.com
How do we sometimes get love so wrong? When love is a means to control others, when love is hurtful to ourselves or others– that is not love.
Many times What we think is love is actually control wrapped up in a pretty bow and presented as love. Hopefully we’re past that now. Xoxo
The first 10 years of heartache.
I tried to put 10 people into my heart at one time
And zip it up around them
Thinking it would stop them
From making mistakes
That I had made
Because I could see the futility.
But all it did was cause my heart to bleed,
With 10 people shoved uncomfortably in it.
And then I wondered why they kept doing the
Same things over
And over
And over
Again
And my heart hurt
And my back hurt.
From carrying ten people.
So I opened my heart wider.
And I put them in deeper.
Into the deepest parts of my soul.
Into places I was afraid to look.
Down alleys I often went wandering
Just after dusk
Right before sleep’s dreams
Carried me away on her pale horse
With that dark rider.
I stuffed them in…
And in
And in
And in.
And when they were in I took them with me.
All over the country,
From coast-to-coast.
I showed them rocky cliffs and rolling hills.
We saw the planes and valleys.
We went to Pow Wows and felt the drum beat in our blood
Until we thought our Souls would fall out.
We prayed to the moon under naked stars
And talked to trees
And listened to their wispy voices as they
Spoke on the winds and talked back.
We drank and we drank and we drank
And when we could no longer stand we crawled into bed, us 11
And we silently said our prayers to the creators of Heaven and Earth
And we drifted off to sleep
And we journeyed on.
Then for 10 years we slept.
And when the little teachers came to wake us up
We awoke with a start!
We awoke with a laugh!
We awoke with a fright!
We awoke to see what the world had been up to since our slumber
(Not much)
10 people packed into my body.
10 people creaking.
10 people haunting my dreams.
I miss them when I am awake.
My heart breaks when I wake up dreaming about them.
I think it’s time to let them go now.
The Second Time Around- Did I Learn Anything?
I opened my heart wide
And tried to put 10 people in it.
I tried to hold them there
And love them
And heal their hurts
And pains
With love.
But people don’t fit in human hearts.
They wouldn’t fit.
They wouldn’t go in there.
No matter how hard I tried,
And squished,
And squashed.
No matter how open wide
I opened to the universe,
My loving mournful prayer
For their perfect souls.
Free agency kept them on their own path,
(Thank God!)
In their own perfect skin
Outside my own tiny heart
A shrunken walnut heart in comparison.
Inadequate
To heal the hurts of my dear eternal sojourners.
I unzipped them.
One at a time.
Removing dingy flight-suits—
Like paper dolls,
Flicking them away,
Into the compost heap,
Illusions really—
Borrowed shells made of corn husks and stitched together with burlap thread.
White, Celestial light spilling forth all around them,
Blinding us,
Swirling in ancient patterns,
Mathematical symbols on naked walls…
And yet they still walk blindly,
Stumbling as they go,
Flailing arms around themselves wildly,
Automatons.
They just don’t see themselves
Alabaster figures,
Perfect.
Divine.
Templates of the Gods.
Their human eyes are trained to see only dark places,
Stuck in shadows of former selves and yesterdays
Only seeing their lost and fallen states,
Their “you wouldn’t love me anyway”s.
And so, now, seeing that it is not possible,
For 10 people to fit in one tiny human heart,
I cut 10 silky cords and 10 amber threads,
And release them into the universe.
I see them walking their own paths…
Sure footed.
Self-assured.
Strong.
Noble and proud, they stand upright and pleased.
Each one on a path of their own choosing and design,
Carved specifically for the lessons and
To partake of the feasts of their own enterprise.
Their grand intention a priceless creation.
The masters priceless treasures
Would weep to behold.
11 perfect souls.
11 perfect hearts.
11 perfects bodies.
And my heart,
And my body,
And my mind at peace now.
Knowing all is well.
And so it is.
49shadesof MaggieWagonerRuch 