Timeless

My heart is
A 1950s movie,
Printed on film,
Sealed in tin,
Smelling of
Ozone and vellum,
Gently warmed by
The hum of
Electric light;
Click-clacking in
A familiar rhythm
To familiar timing,
Burning away at
The dust of yesterday’s
Misappropriated lust.
She’s semitransparent,
Like projections
On white-painted panels,
Whose seams
Create the illusion
Of overlapping
Worlds,
Converging as one.
My heart beats to
Your footsteps,
A battle-march
We once danced
Together,
Briefly halted,
Resuming apart;
Parking lot waltzes,
The lambada of public
Displays
Of personal shame,
And the final
Sagayan
Where winners claimed
Defeat.
My heart draws in
Hope
And expels courage
With every contraction,
Birthing new sweetness,
Driving rivers of
Richness
To universes afar.
She has grieved
As the widow,
Retired like the
Sun;
She’s rested like
Winter,
And resisted the
Fall.
I’ve dreamt of the
Wonders
Of digital age,
Of miraculous manifestations
By wizard and sage;
But naught can compare
To the golden age
Of my life:
When memories of a time
Long gone by
Consume my heart’s
Movie-house stage.
I await on my mark,
Willing the apparition
Reflected upon me,
To take his true form.
That timeless classic
Of bygone day,
Echoing off inner chambers,
Preserved by consciousness’
Seventy-millimeter,
Fragile, yet unfeigned.

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Karma.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
If they deserve it,
If they started it,
If they asked for it,
If they did worse:
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
If it was unjust,
If it was unjustified,
If it was unkind,
If it was evil,
If it was twisted,
If it was unpredictable;
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
So rise up,
Fight for your freedoms,
Courage in your conviction,
Do not stop until
The day is won;
But, take heed:
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
Keep sight on what is wanted,
Create and steadily build,
Let the source of all creation
Reveal the miracle by grace,
But with honor and integrity,
Warriors true to codes of light:
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
Karma, binding law,
Heavily weighs on every soul
And returns to be resolved;
Souls light as feathers,
Seek free heart, spirit, and mind:
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Sister.

I forgive you
Because you’re scared and you know that your position in life is not guaranteed.
I forgive you
Because you’ve been bullied into accepting a system of belief that you are less than.
I forgive you
Because you’ve been rewarded by showing loyalty to entities that are not loyal to you.
I forgive you
Because you cannot fathom a life alone.
I forgive you
Because the love you seek is the love we all seek.
I forgive you
Because someone somewhere convinced you that you are broken beyond repair.
I forgive you
Because you’ve worked hard and struggled long and feel the futility of it.
I forgive you
Because you believe that you are following a righteous path.
I forgive you
Because I understand the power of addiction – including the addictive nature of people pleasing.
I forgive you
Because you have been convinced that your power has been taken – that you never had any – that you will never have any – that you don’t deserve it.
I forgive you
Because it is within me to do so.
I forgive you
Without needing a reason or cause.
I love you.
No matter what.
No matter what.
No matter what.

Freedom.

You didn’t see it
When I was investing
In me because
To you
The only worthwhile investments
Lie
Outside built on lies
And the backs of those
Who bleed true.
I invested in
Freedom;
Not won through battle,
Nor won through purchase –
But won through declaration
That I should be free.
You shamed me
With every taunt
And twisted every
Intention
Kept in shadows.
And when I spoke
So that you may
Know
Truly what layered
And lovely
World was painted within,
You silenced me
With reproach.
Mistaken identity,
Misappropriation of mentorship,
Mislaid trust,
Doling out approval
For only that which
You deem worthy.
That which the cold
Shadow of 3am
Touches
In still corners
And deep crevasse
Only serves to
Obscure the path from
Envious onlookers.
I invested in
Myself,
The only investment
My soul knew to
Approve of.
I loosed her
Upon my life
And allowed the
Swollen tide
To carry me
Beyond time.
My choices
Will never follow
Your predicted pathways,
Because our worlds
And our purposes
Are not the same.
Eagle,
You proclaimed.
Lonesome eagle
Whose sharp-eyed gaze,
Dipping down
Among sparrows to play,
And search for
Those dwindling others
Who know these heights.
Why play the game
Of pretending
You understood,
When students teach
Masters
And ever betray
Their own corruptions,
While stalling,
Hoping to decipher
A soul’s
Silent cries?
Freedom,
Peeled from layers of
The skins sewn by
Others,
Heavy with judgement
And self-loathing.
Freedom –
Though not a hierarchy –
Still steps to climb
And sacred laws
To shed
As easily as
A mother’s tears.
Upturned truths,
Twisted
History, and muddied
Memories.
Climbing farther from
Those gnarled and
Twisted roots.
Before these
Great laden doors
To stand,
Stripped bare and
Standing tall.
I was invited.
I invested
In me.
I invested in
Life.

Leave Her Alone.

There will be times
When it won’t seem
Fair,
When the damage
Done by others
Will need repair,
When you will be
Asked to fill in
The gaps
From missiles launched
And historic attack –
So if you’re not
Committed to
More than your share –
If you’re set on
Punishing her
(Again)
For the sins
Of another –
Then leave her alone
She can’t have you
There.
If you give
Promises as
Empty as
Summer skies and
Winter winds,
And if you’re intention
Is based
On some future fantasy
Full of pretense,
Then do her a favor
And go wish on
A star –
But let it carry
You far
Far from her –
She needs solidly laid
Plans and sturdy
Built stones and
Foundations firm;
Anything else will
Bring her house
Flat to the ground.
There will be times
When her smile
Will fall
As freely
As her tears –
Her praises will
Turn to curses
And her skies will
Grow dark
And you’ll wonder
Where she’s gone
Off to
Without so
Much as a spark
Of the joy which first
Drew you into
Her enchanting ways –
And if you’re not
Invested in bringing
Her all the way
Through her darkness
Into brighter lit days –
Then take your selfish
Demands of her magick and
Positive vibes
And remember that no
One can carry
The entire weight
Of both worlds
At all times,
And look at the ways
She’s selflessly
Sacrificed her fire
And light,
See who’s placed
On her demands
No human can
Possibly
Fill,
And remind her that
She will
Always
Have a haven
Whether she’s
High or low –
If your love is based on
What she provides to you,
Then you will soon
Find
Her fierce storms
Change direction
And her fury
Will level you
Low to the earth.
She’s lived for
Years alone with
Herself and her thoughts,
Or in defense
From false champions
Who projected their
Failings and fears;
And she’s learned to
Be strong –
Mentally and physically too –
And she only wants
Peace and to finally
Breathe freely,
She wants the space
To exhale
Knowing today is secure,
And while tomorrow
Isn’t promised,
It’s presumed to be
A continuation of
Growth
With a solid partnership
On which she can rely.
If you’re not
Committed
One hundred percent
Then leave her –
Please leave her –
She’s better off
Shallowly breathing
Alone and tired
Then trusting in false
Promises and
Believing more
Lies.
She doesn’t
Want to change you
Or make you
Grow up,
She’s not
Into projects
Or force-filled
Boxes.
She doesn’t want to
Entice you
With curves
Or feminine flair,
She doesn’t want to
Beguile you
Or trick you
Or deceive you
Or make you feel
Wrong.
She just wants
Easy – peaceful – simple
But real.
She wants honest
Transparent
Reliable
And emotionally aware.
So if you’re not
Interested
In being read like
A book
Or if you’re
More intent
On revenge or
Domination
Or savagery
Or toughness
Or denial and blame –
Then please leave her
Please
Please
Please
Leave her
Alone.

Solid.

I only ever wanted
Sweetness
That was never offered,
Never wanted to
Defend
Against tempers
And tyrannical siege.
I only ever wanted
Gentleness
That was never present,
Never wanted to
Feel the void of
Love’s deficit
Like a collapsed star
Removing what was Me
From the dry and
Hollow husk
Of me.
I only ever wanted
Tenderness
That told me that
I was desirable
And which stoked inner flame;
Never wanted to be sealed
In a vacuum,
Extinguishing
Every desire and daydream –
Containing me as
Some exotic wisp of air.
I only ever wanted
To feel supported
By steady measured
Consistent
Care;
Never wanted to feel
Mishandled, used, and
Expected to carry the
Weight and burden of
Big talkers’ empty promises –
Lies that cheated a future
Of ease and enjoyment
And bountiful fare.
And so, I build
On firm foundation
All that I thought
I’d find:
Solo,
Solid,
Slow and steady;
Emerald gaze set
To future mirage
Materializing
With grace
Manifest effortlessly.

Thank You.

Thanks to you
I no longer allow
My self to be optional.
Thanks to you
I no longer entertain
Even the first
Glimpse of disrespect.
Thanks to you
I no longer endure
Unreciprocated attention.
Thanks to you
I no longer hold
Back when an emotion
Is confronted.
Thanks to you
I no longer lie
To myself about what I want
And what I can settle for.
Thanks to you
I no longer struggle
To feel worthy of
All of the things my
Pure heart desires.
Thanks to you
I no longer suggest
Favors that only work
In others’ favor
Which I would
Never have agreed to
Except that I wanted to
Seem so agreeable.
Thanks to you
I no longer permit
Myself to wonder
What life would look like
With someone who acts
Like they would rather
Live life without me.
Thanks to you
I no longer say
Things that I’m supposed to say
When I’d rather just
Scream.
Thanks to you
I never take anyone
Or anything
On face value.
Thanks to you
I’m not nice
I’m not kind
I’m not submissive
I’m not compliant
I’m not agreeable.
Thanks to you
I’m suspicious
And cynical
And callous
And hard.
Thanks to you
I’d really rather
Always only
Be all alone.
So,
Thank you!

Leave.

What if I’d
Just left that night?
What if I’d
Just not tried
Or bothered to
Assert myself
Or insert myself
Into my own life?
What if I’d just
Run away
Like I always run
When I’m not
Too afraid but life
Is too much
And nothing is
Ever going my way?
What if I’d just
Left?
How would it all
Have played
Out, would you
Have followed
Or were you always
Going to stay,
Plucking too ripe
Fruit from the ground
And settling for
That blackened sticky
Rotted taste?
Were you only really
There to take?
And take and take
And take what you thought
You could get away
With taking
Without a thought
Of the price –
For all bills
Eventually have their due.
What if I’d just
Left?
The first time I was
Bothered by the
Ease in which your
Lack of respect
Was scattered about the place
Like my hair,
Falling out in
Fistfuls.
What if I’d left
Each time I wondered
What I was even doing
There in the first place
And at every misinterpreted
Understanding and vain
Attempt to create
Connection
And after the moments
When you fleetingly
Opened
To me –
Only to close
And in your repose
Turn to iron and ice?
Why did I stay?
Why did I fight?
Why did I try?
And why did you
Watch me scramble
To find the parts
Of my soul
You ripped out
Of my clothes
Knowing full well
You would never
Ask me to stay
Or follow me away?
Why didn’t I just
Leave?

You.

You will ask yourself
Who you are
Whilst staring down
Darkened hallways
And peering through
Partially cracked hollow
And hallowed doorways,
Attempting to sort
Light from shadow.
You will strive to
Give label,
Assign meaning,
And extract some reason
From each shadow figure
As if placed there
By God;
And not merely
A trick of
Physics,
Or evolution,
Or the butterfly wing
Discovering its
Usefulness
Whenever the first
Butterfly erupted
From its own destruction.
You will lose yourself
In mazes and hazes
And will listen to
Every wrong direction
Given by every
False
And falsetto
Voice of authority.
You will seek purpose
In each way to every end
And you will question
Every motive,
Even motives
You forgot to have.
You will lose the narrow
Definitions which confine
You;
And in wandering
The cavernous expanse
Of You
You will find no end
And no beginning.
You will find bends and alcoves
Which contain every
Dark and dire
Thing
That you were told
To be afraid of.
You will find the
Evil,
And dread,
And sin,
In every appetite
At every gaping maw
Of every abyss
Bottomless –
You will fall
And you will find
For lack of landing
There is no fall.
You will forget to distinguish
Up from Down.
You will right yourself.
You will rise.
You will find the most
Precious stones,
And blindingly pure light,
And miraculous manifestations
That seem to defy
All known law.
You will discover that
The impossible is
Merely that which
Cannot be labeled
Or fit into narrow
Confines
Within your human mind.
You will attempt to identify
Every hue and shade
Like the box of
Crayons with the special
Sharpener –
Even the glittery ones!
You will travel through
Every type of matter –
Through pure waters
That gently move
Over smooth stone,
Through deep mud
Which bubbles and stinks
Of decay as it
Rises to the surface,
Over craggy cliffs,
And through slippery sand.
You will venture and adventure
And you will never tire
Of the oddities and
Eccentricities
Which comprise the
Kaleidoscopic mosaic
Of you.
You will bend and defy
Order and the structures
Which attempt to
Define your existence
On the planet and your
Expression of being.
You will travel so far
And so fast as to loop
Time and space and
To return to stare
Into your own stunned
And sunkissed face.
You will ask of yourself
Every question; and you
Will investigate every
Doubt and concern;
And you will find
Guises, and places, and uses
For every thing which is
Found within.
And you will cease
To assign roles,
Or rules,
Or to attempt to confine
With narrowly defined
Descriptive language.
You will discover that
All that is you
Is so vast
That you cease
In being anything
At all.
Beginning without end,
End without beginning,
All and nothing.
Your philosophy will
Swell as the highest
Tsunami and will
Smash and thrash against
The breakwaters of your
Consciousness;
And you will cease to
Ponder.
You will grow tired
Of the analysis.
You will be incapable
Of recording, and inventorying,
And accounting for all that
You think and see.
And so you will become
Light.
You will become space.
You will become emptiness.
You will cease in your being.
You will transmute.
Life and all that she has
Birthed
Will pass through you;
Just as you pass through
A beam of light
Streaming through that
Partially opened door
Standing guard,
Defending hallowed halls.
And once you have
Finally discovered the
Significance of
All there is –
About the everything
Of everythingness –
It will all shift,
Turned end over end,
And spilling about;
And there will be new
Everythings contained
Within the sacred
Experience called
You.

Void.

You were a void
That I poured
My love into,
Searching the skies
And cold stone eyes
For some spark
Of return –
Reflection or refraction
Either would do.
“This is going to hurt,”
I screamed from
The corners of my
Mind, swollen
To accommodate
The breadth and length
Of you.
Each parting foretold
The finale
And somehow I knew –
Hold tight
This night will not
Repeat. This retreat,
The end of one dream
Whose nightmarish
Awakening would
Shatter the glass,
Ever turning
Starry eyed and spangles,
As shadow men and their
Ladies dance for
Master and Mistress
Upturning collection plates –
Thirty pieces and
Cold kisses
And your lingering
Betrayal. We’ve folded
Time and shattered space
And damned our filthy
And abominable race –
“This is going to hurt,”
I screamed
At the ghost who
Escaped unscathed.
My world has shattered.
I am changed.
My illusion is broken.
My heart is uncaged.
You were a void –
I burned as a star,
Until consumed by
Gravity and entropy,
I earthward did fall.

Warrioress.

War is easy.

Last night I was dreaming I was with a friend at an art show and she made the most amazing magical creations and was setting up her booth. She wanted it to be just perfect. So she asked for a dark booth which meant she had to be careful about the types of lighting that she displayed. The organizers kept coming by and giving her violations for not complying but they could have really just talked to her and she could have worked something out. Instead they brought a fight to a fighter and so of course she fought back. So she’s about to get kicked out and they tell her she has to go do something that’s the equivalent of a snipe hunt. She is fuming and really seeing red. I’m talking to the organizer who is primarily fucking with her and trying to plea her case. I’m explaining how she does everything with her entire heart and all of her love and how she wants everything to be perfect, but when you come in swinging she is the type who will send you out in a body bag. All they had to do was just talk to her. She was looking for this her entire life. She was terrified of something going wrong. She wanted everything to be so perfect. She just wanted to make her display the perfect display of the magic she creates. Her. Not the other people at the show. She’s worked her whole life to get here and to have it be so f-ed up is destroying her. She’s not the one to cry she’s the one to fight back and to keep trying and to find a way.

War is easy.

It’s peace that really fucks people up. When you tell people they are free and no longer need to fight to serve an authority, watch as they turn on each other. People like being told what to do, who to serve, how to behave. They want it simple.

A person who thinks for themselves is complex. They reason things out. They consider the outcome. They wonder if it’s right or not. And a person who thinks for themselves is upsetting for those who follow herds- even minority herds.

When you’re born into this world, your family will have volumes and volumes of unwritten rules for you. Worse yet, when you enter school you’ll find that the rules you learned and the rules of the social setting are somewhat bastardized versions of each other. You look around and see the other kids seem to have no problem adjusting, but you don’t know where to stand or how to look or what to say. It irritates the other kids.

If you were socialized like me, you learn quickly to adapt to the expectations of the adult because the adult is the one to fear.

So now you have a set of rules at home and one at school and as you age you encounter more sophisticated relationships with your peers and in different settings.

If you’re me you learn to blend into cinderblock walls, smoke under the bleachers or in your car during pep rallies, keep peripheral surface friends, and befriend the most broken and alienated invisible kids to learn their secrets of not being seen.

If you’re me you write poetry to the posters on your walls and dream of a life completely different but always “someday”. You form relationships in your mind with hallucinations because those illusory images are realer to you than the corpses animated in the halls of your school.

If you’re me you have a strong mother who maintains strict control with violence and you meet her violence with your own pent rage to defend your younger siblings.

If you’re me you HATE that monster.

If you’re me you are aching to love and be loved and yet you understand so little about other people and the monster carefully caged inside is ready to defend at any moment. You push people away for their safety. You learn to do some damage first with your tongue – you find the chinks in psychological armor and rend. You learn to use words and intellect to play the game of protecting the queen. And you never have just one plan – because plans can be thwarted. Instead you hide, you identify the exits, you use the ability to blend in and make yourself invisible. And if you’re spotted you become the best friend, the funniest person, the most social. You hide in plain sight.

If you’re me you will spend your entire adulthood unlearning the ways of war and learning peace.

You will rewrite the narrative from control, competition, dominance and submission, kill or be killed, winners and losers, defend defend defend, scarcity and sacrifice, and punishment; to freedom, collaboration, cooperation, innovation, creativity, abundance, nurturing, rewarding, cheering.

You will evolve and you will find the world ever more alien than before.

You only want communion and people will accuse you of competing. You will only want celebration and people will accuse you of domination. You will only want freedom and people will accuse you of control.

You will know these problems exist within THEM and you will remember how you fought an unwinnable fight and lost.
You will want to reach inside of them and rearrange things for them so that they can arrive where you are. You will share with them your lightcodes and you will hope to see them rewritten.

But no matter how far you travel from your home, there will still reside inside of you a warrior ready to defend when challenged. There will come a time when you feel cornered. Someone will pose such a grave threat that just as the thing that you’ve wanted your entire life is finally within your grasp, you will unchain the sleeping warrior.

Fear.

The fear of having what you’ve always wanted can be greater than the fear of giving in to the darker parts of ourselves. We think we are fighting back against an enemy – and yes we have enough of our own evidence to make a case that we are – however that war will be our own undoing. We will be swung upon and we will come back swinging but the carnage will not be predictable. We will unleash our inner Kali and we will obliterate the one who we want to love thinking them a participant in the grand plan laid out by our enemy.

We will only see the Shiva too late.

The warrior must learn to master her own anxiety and fear before there can be peace.

The truth is that there are people around us all the time who have their own plans and machinations and not all of them want the best for us. There are “enemies” hiding in every bush. But we have mastered those snares and traps they lay for us. They do no harm. We walk over bear traps as easily as we walk over grass.

There is indeed something specific and special about the foe who is effective. They play on specific insecurities for a reason. They show us the things that we’d rather not look at. They emerge from and play in our own shadows and that is why they can get to us. And they use our fears against us.

Fear creates shadow puppets that appear real. It creates the illusion of enemies all around us.

And the awakened person who is afraid can become a greater danger than those still sleepwalking. They question everything and then question themselves. Their instincts are somewhere between war and peace and are unpredictable. They recognize no authority and thus act without concern for rules or tradition. They are simply fighting – at first to protect – and then ultimately for the thrill of the fight.

At the conclusion, it doesn’t matter which shades were real and which were fear-manufactured if all is lost. All that matters is the loss. There are some wounds that will not heal from words or time. And if the one who was wounded has learned anything, they will make their own choices and they will choose their own freedom – even if they too were committed to misunderstanding.

Whether anyone else ever sees or knows the truth as recorded by the eyes of the warrior makes no difference. What matters is the actions that others witnessed as innocent bystanders.

I wanted friendship and love. I wanted acceptance and communion. I wanted freedom and full self expression. I wanted an evolved and peaceful relationship outside of the narrative created for us by social structures.

And just as I was enjoying having everything I wanted – I allowed my fear to unchain the inner animal.

I did this to myself.

But just as anything else I did in vain, I myself have taken accounts and I have been responsible, and I have tried to make amends.

I only wanted to have a place to display my magick and watch the gleam in others’ eyes as they appreciated it. The enemy may have been real, and the threat may have been immanent. But my training in peace was surrendered to reflexes of war. The peace was broken as the world spiraled into madness. I released my inner pandora’s box and the world is now burning. The rage carefully held inside of me for 41 years was unleashed. And I made sure that the one who I wanted to love the most was consumed by it.

I’ve never gone backwards. I’ve never wanted a thing once its time has expired. I’ve always kept moving and evolving and learning. But then I’ve never destroyed an innocent before. Yes, there were some mistakes made. But not ill-intended and not with a motive to do harm.

I went back to beg for forgiveness.

But I’m not fond of begging.

I was sent away.

To me, I made impossible choices and did the only thing I knew how to do. To them – I’m more monstrous than I am to myself. I spoke up for myself. I regained my voice. The world I created on the inside and protected from others was now spilled out around me. I was open and unhindered by the rules of the social structures I’d been forced into. I could and would say whatever I wanted to, fuck the consequences.

But just as my voice has returned, a voice has returned to the world. And its message is ugly and filled with fear and hatred. Corruption has seeped into every holy place. Misteachings abound. The world is awakening but the warrior spirit rages. Wrongdoings in every facet are coming to the fore and those who have been harmed seethe for vengeance.

War is easy. Peace is really fucking hard.

What is it that you REALLY want here? How much revenge will reset the balance? Whose blood do you need to taste?

What martyr will be big enough to quell the human monster?

The world is not so alien anymore. And that’s the trouble.

The world is an echo of my own personal rage – the darkest parts of myself that I want no one to see. Those committed to misunderstanding. Those whose machinations are so glaringly obvious – yet successful! To see the cogs as they whir and to see how easy it could be to destroy the entire works – and yet understand why each piece and part is essential to where we are going.

The devastation that must happen before there can be new growth.

Watching from the eagle’s roost is one of the loneliest hells that exist on this plane.

We can get there from here – but we may not like the cost.

The warrior must master fear. The warrior must be discriminating and wise with her weapons. The warrior must wait and watch. The warrior must not submit to the program of war, for the program of peace is what really matters now. When the enemy comes in swinging, the master must be master of herself first. She must choose to disarm her foe with the gifts she so proudly exhibits. She must use charm and wonder and humor and grace and arrive at a creative conclusion.

And the warrior must accept that they will never understand her fully. She must continue unencumbered by their opinions of her.

And she must accept her greatest loss as her greatest teacher and must learn to protect the things and people who she loves the most instead of destroying them out of the need to protect herself.

When she has mastered this next level of skill, she will have access to both the light and the dark and she will then create something which has never been seen by human eyes – the heaven on earth to rival Atlantis, Alexandria, and Enoch. Peace will indeed reign and ripple through the world. And her Beloved will return to her – no matter the distance.

Like all parables, this is part paradox, part fantasy, woven with a thread of truth.

Helped.

I awoke from
A dream
Of continuity.
We were still
Entwined and I begged
(Like I often did)
To remain
Close to you.
You were closed
To me –
Like you often were.
I loved with
The fires of
Freya –
And you were
Cold stone
Walls and indigo
Ichor –
Stomach churning anxiety
And emptiness.
You were my
Favorite addiction –
The spike I drove
Into my own side
Willingly.
I would have done
Anything for those
Rare glimpses
Into your personal
Abyss,
Which you hoarded
And guarded;
And I tortured myself
Always wondering
Why you protected
It from me –
What flaw did you
Imagine
Was so dangerous?
I begged.
You retreated.
And so I left you –
Like I often did –
Because my own
Cold bed
Was more comforting
Than a man made
From stone with
Walls of iron
Reminding me I’d
Never be enough
Of anything
To share his
World with openness.
I asked.
Help arrived.
From the unlikeliest
Of places –
Just as it often does.

Help.

You need help
Is something they
Love to say
When they feel
Helpless –
When they want
An excuse
To justify
Why they refuse to
Be helpful.
And if I went
To you today
And pled my case
Would you find
Yourself helpful?
Or are you still
Betwitched by
Psychotic self interested
Monsters
Still clawing at
Your better
Intentions.
You called yourself
A friend –
And like any
False friend
You were silent
When you should
Have been
Helpful.
How do you
Enter a person’s
Body
And withdraw
As the world
Crumbles
Into madness?
And while the
Evidence piled
Against you,
Why do I still
Reach out
When I need
Help?
Help.

31 Wishes.

1. I wish for you LOVE – the kind that swallows all sorrows and pain;
2. I wish for you JOY – the kind that is lasting and tangible;
3. I wish for you BELONGING – the kind that makes everywhere feel like home;
4. I wish for you FULFILLMENT – the kind that feels like smiling on the inside;
5. I wish for you ABUNDANCE – in the non physical as well as physical dimensions of life;
6. I wish for you HEALTH – mental emotional spiritual physical and psychic;
7. I wish for you CREATIVITY – for creation is the flex of the gods;
8. I wish for you WISDOM – that cuts through the cacophony of today’s information overload;
9. I wish for you CURIOSITY – may life always present you with magic;
10. I wish for you STRENGTH – the gentle strength of the master who has mastered himself;
11. I wish for you COURAGE – the unfaltering faith in yourself and your abilities;
12. I wish for you ENDURANCE – may your journey be gentle and may your path be easy;
13. I wish for you LUCK – may you ever be protected from the evil eyes of a jealous world;
14. I wish for you INSIGHT – may you see things as they are and may all hidden plots be revealed before you;
15. I wish for you FUN – the lasting simple joys in life that make each day like honey;
16. I wish for you CONNECTION – may you feel tethered to the earth and to your chosen people;
17. I wish for you TENACITY – may you always recover quickly;
18. I wish for you PASSION – may you taste the highest highs this world has to offer;
19. I wish for you LONGEVITY – may you continue in chosen pursuits;
20. I wish for you LEVITY – may you take life’s challenges as simply bumps in the road;
21. I wish for you INNOVATION – may you continue to create new and fun scenarios from every situation;
22. I wish for you ADVENTURE – the kind that amuses and brings expansion and happiness;
23. I wish for you LOYALTY – may you find that lasting and committed exchange in whatever way you desire;
24. I wish for you HELP – when it matters, when it’s needed, when you feel overwhelmed – may aid always appear by your side;
25. I wish for you HONESTY – may the truth always come into the light for yourself and others;
26. I wish for you DIRECTION – may your course be certain and your path be clear;
27. I wish for you INTELLIGENCE – may you ever have access to the answers that you seek;
28. I wish for you STEWARDSHIP – may you master all of life’s energies and resources;
29. I wish for you COMMAND – may you lead yourself and others to greatness;
30. I wish for you ALL of your dreams come true. May you receive the things you desire.
31. I wish I could deliver these wishes to you and to watch as they are fulfilled as they will be as you desire.
And so it is.

Anti-love

I called people out on their shit when I thought that was love.

I refused to accept people as they are when I thought that was love.

I had expectations about what another person was supposed to do for me when I believed that was love.

I held resentment and called it being the bigger person when I believed that was love.

I punished with silence instead of fighting when I thought that was love.

I withdrew out of a need to protect and out of anger when I was disappointed when I thought that was love.

I sought escape versus confronting my feelings when I thought that was love.

I worked my ass off at making money and a home instead of a relationship when I thought that was love.

I held myself in to protect others from me when I believed that was love.

I was always doing what I thought love was untill I learned that these things are what love is not.

Your World Is Ready.

Your world is ready
And it’s miraculous
And easy.
Don’t worry
Just breathe
And allow life
To be breezy.
Your world is ready
And it’s full of
Possibility.
Don’t hold onto
Past lessons
They’re already
Behind you.
Your world is ready
And it’s coming
Up daisies.
Seeds scattered in
Love and choosing,
Watered and
Blooming.
Your world is ready
And you’re your own
Dorothy
Swept up into a gale
And speeding to
Infinity.
You’ve already met
Your wizard and you
Know the other folks,
And they stand
At your ready
When your heels
Together click click click.
Your world is ready
And an adventure
Is brewing.
It’s custom
Made by you
And your soul’s
Divine knowing.
Your world is ready
And it’s filled
Up to the top with
Opportunities for loving.
Keep a ready eye
On the skies
Filled with rainbows
And pot-of-gold endings.
Your world is ready.
And so are you.
Just breathe.
You always already
Knew exactly just
What to do.
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Giving Up.

It feels like betrayal
To finally say goodbye
To the beautiful moments
And the happier times.
It feels like cheating
To give up on half-realized
Promises, and half-created
Palaces, and half-made
Measures, and half-lived
Dreams.
It feels like defeat
To admit it’s just
Been too much,
Too heavy,
Unhealthy,
Hearts breaking in half.
It goes against
Everything fairytale-taught,
To not be ready, willing,
Eternally waiting
For what wasn’t really
Meant and made for me.
It feels like giving up.
It feels like a loss.
It feels like saying goodbye
To possibility and hope.
Flies buzzing ’round
The rot
Flew off long ago,
And I sit in this
Boneyard
Heavy with yesterday’s
Mem’ries silhouetted
In shadows playing
On repeat.
It may just be
A flick of the flame,
A trick of the eyes,
Or maybe more lies
I’ve told myself
Just to cope.
The lingering stench
Of sweat and tears
And the ever-present
Self flagellation of
Guilt and remorse –
Have ceased being
Sexy and are
Just plain sad.
That world over there
Filled with miracles
Unceasing,
Has already proven
It’s seeking
Me just as assuredly
As I seek for my freedom
From the self imposed
Prison
Of yesterdays
And all the ways
I tell myself I
Coulda shoulda woulda.
So today,
I breathe and release
With eyes kept forward
Onto the horizon
And allow life
To move me swiftly
Out of yesterday’s cage
And into
The joy I’m choosing
Even if I can’t
Yet feel it.

Not Sorry.

I’m not sorry
For keeping so much
Inside,
I’m only sorry
I never felt
Safe enough to
Share.
I’m not sorry
I feel too darkly – too
Deeply,
I’m only sorry
I never felt
Free enough to
Speak.
I’m not sorry
I want the
Fantasy,
I’m only sorry
I never felt
Worthy.
I’m not sorry
I am so human,
I’m only sorry
I never felt
Held enough to be
Vulnerable.
I’m not sorry
For all the ways
I tried to be
What everyone else
Asked for,
I’m only sorry
I never made myself
Important enough to ask
For what I wanted.

Full Credit.

You provided the tools
But I did the building.
You provided the ruler
But I did the growing.
You provided the wound
But I did the healing.
You provided the access
But I took the opportunity.
You provided a story
But I did the telling.
You provided a lesson
But I did the learning.
You provided destruction
I did the rebuilding.
You provided hope
I did the faith-walk.
You provided a means
I did the measuring.
You provided possibility
I did the choosing.
You provided an idea
I did the creating.
You provided a direction
I did the exploring.
You provided the contact
I made the magic.
You provided the vessel
I did the summoning.
You provided the faith
I did the believing.
You provided the intensity
I did the intending.
You provided a mirror
I mistook me for you.

Gentle War.

Bring me my
Brave and gentle warriors,
Those whose lines drawn
In sand and on sidewalks
Say “I will never
Do what’s been done to me
To any woman or man.”
Gather generals and soldiers
Whose only weapons
Are love that flows with
Ferocity,
Breaking through the cacophony
And bringing peace to the
Fight.
Gather my tender lovers
Whose merrymaking and laughter
Echo with atomic
Orgasmic intoxication
And shatter the darkest
Of nights.
Bring your weapons of
Hope and your lights,
Like nuclear vivacity
Piercing the veil of
Hopelessness and plight.
Gather ye wizards
And sorceresses,
Bring your calculations
And divinations and
Iron willpower to
Silence the fight.
Rearrange this inhuman anatomy
From her preprogrammed
Self infliction of implosive
Corruption and disease.
In this world
Such as it is,
Your stillness makes you
Super powered, and
Your self mastery makes you
Immune to the maelstrom.
You stand in your own
Power,
In the world but not
Plugged into the illusion
Of wrong versus wrong.
You have heard the echoes
Of madness,
And bravely choose to
Stand in what’s upright.
It’s not about temporary
Pleasure,
It’s not a shallow
Victory or hollow win,
It’s tranquility that’s
Real and everlasting
For all –
Not just you –
Who suffer when
Injustice is rewarded
And those who act
Nobly are attacked
By the blind.
Know you’re giants,
Gods and Goddesses,
Standing firm,
Gentle,
Peaceful,
And virtuous.
See what’s going on
Behind the curtain
And use your most
Keen weapon –
Authentic choice
Self responsible
Self accountable
And bold refusal
To perpetuate the
Cycles of destruction.
This feud ends
Here and now
With us
As we stand firm
Holding the light.

BIG.

You think you know
Me because you see
How I look
And how I walk
And how I move –
But I guarantee
I’m bigger than that.
You think you know
Me because you know
A few of my opinions
And you’ve seen my
Current habitual patterns
And you detected a
Quirk or two –
But I promise you
I’m bigger than that.
You think you know me
Because of that one time
We got into a fight
I said something that
Sounded like the truth
That I’d been trying
To hide –
But I fully endorse:
I’m bigger than that.
You think you know me
Because you’ve seen me
Laugh and you’ve
Seen me sick
And you’ve seen me high
And low and in distress –
But I must impress
I’m bigger than that.
You think you know me
Because of my gender
Or race
Or culture
Or social status
Or job
Or education
Or the way I answer
Questions on a test –
But I will assure you
As I’ve reassured the rest:
I’m so very much
Bigger than that.
Profiling me according
To a human checklist
Will fail,
Diagnosing my
Mental wellness will
Not avail
You with an iota of
Understanding until
You are ready to get:
I’m bigger than all of it.
My soul is the universe and
It flows through
Me as me and also through you;
I’m the same as that
Tree and flower
And the birds and the bees
And I’m as free as water
Carving out new landscapes
Returning love to
The seas.
I’m free as sunshine and
Moonshine and the light
From a flame.
And there’s nothing
Defining or distinct or
Hierarchical
Or special or different –
It’s uniquely the same.
I’m a glimpse of the light
As it reflects from
Your eyes
And I refract
And bend and appear
Disguised
In this human suit
Perfect for me
And the pleasures I seek.
You will see what you
Choose and ignore the rest
And I’ll let you
Because I know you will
Discover the same
When put to the test –
In my bigness you will
Discover the enormity
Of you.

Humble.

The innocent man
Isn’t who you
Believe.
He’s done wrong things
And taken responsibility for
Every one of them.
His intentions are pure
He’s just enjoying himself.
He never wanted to
Hurt anyone.
He’s humble
And doesn’t try to
Prove anything
In fact you
Might think him
Quite weak
But his strength
Is carried
In silence.
It’s not that
He claims stupidity
Wisdom is simple
And he’s observant
And measures
Each movement carefully.
Cut one time.

Crowned.

This heaviness in gaia’s
Pelvis
As this new child
Of heaven and earth
Crowns;
And old stories
Emerge
To foreshadow
Past foreboding,
Hoping to control
And to give shape
To formless
Becoming
Form.
We taste the light
Like honey,
And walk in sway
To that angelic tune
And keeping pace
With the unheard.
We’re not pretending –
Though you would
Never believe
Reality as it
Occurs
Within us.
We see through
The unseen,
And undo the undone,
And watch the
Undertow as chaos
Bend and flow
Into something
Predictable-akin.
Our doing
Is simply being,
As purpose
Flows
Through us
As you.
We experience
That which only
Those ancients and others
May decipher
As future forgotten
Truth.
Release the grip of the past,
That old uncertain path.
Let go of what was
Before;
For we never shall
Need her again.
Children dream
Of new creation,
And masses cry
Enmasse
For relief.
We can touch
And taste and
Sense it,
Though quite out
Of sight and
Far from belief.
Forget what was
If it’s truly unwanted.
Let go if
Expired is the need.
Put away
This bridegroom’s
Fair garment,
Twas rent in twain
Under false pretense.
We carry our codes in our skins,
And each combination
Part and piece of the whole.
Wheat falls to the
Priestess’s storehouse,
As chaff scatters
Away in dark winds.

True Beauty.

I was a goddess
Before I
Tweezed plucked and shaved,
And moisturized.
I was perfect
Before I
Starved sweated and crammed
My curves into this
Binding of cloth
With some false idol
Ideal of perfection
Designed.
I was beautiful
Before I
Covered my beauty with paste
And shaded over
My laughter and
Hid wisdom lines.
I was exquisite
Before I
Tamed wild locks into
Well behaved mane,
Gathered like good little
Girls spilling
Over white shoulders
Held back and high.
I was already
Enough
In my too much for you,
And too much
For women
Whose power hides
Behind thier puppet master
Or self-made mask –
The gender disguise.
I was already
Goddess incarnate
Walking barefooted
With unpainted toes
In unperfumed flesh
Gathering specks
Of Gaia beneath bent grasses
Upon my path
Of meandering lines.
This vessel is
Merely focus
For the flow which
Never ends
Has never begun
And will never cease –
And you focus on
The vessel
Ignoring the divine
Which pretends
To dwell inside.
You will never
Have her
Though you may try.
Because what you
Seek is only
Thin-Veiled
Thin-skinned
Thin-depth
Disguise.

Division.

We tell stories
Of theys and thems
But “not me”,
And divide into
Sheep and asleep:
Others and outsiders.
We pretend we’re
A separate kind
And not takers
From the common
Provision and plan.
We walk in
Our hubris lock steps,
And thumb our noses
At the masses
Amassing outside
Babylon’s picket fences.
We march as legion
Pretending allegiance
To higher virtue
And nobler
(Even off-planet)
Law.
We invent new
Labels to label
Our labels by,
And place ourselves
Above our fellows
By standards invented
To displace blame.
We make up stories
Of supernatural
Superpowerful
And sovereign
Graces,
Which place us on
Platforms built
By spiritual egoic
Cloudforms in chloroform –
Pretending to live
In other dimensions,
To ignore what’s been
Agreed to and done
By all of the
“Not me’s”
Scattering like fleas
Thirsting for a
Dog with new tricks.
From whence is your
Savior come due?
Do you imagine
You will be alone
In that boat
Being towed on
Hallucinogenic seas?
Do you imagine
Yourself
Pure and safe
In your rebellion
From the insanity
Of the sane?
How long since
You listened to
Your brother?
Acknowledge we’re
In the same ship,
Hurling through the
Abyss around
The same hurdles,
Which we place
In our own pathways
In our resistance;
Our attachment
To persistence,
Though we recognize
The old ways
Left over
From old days,
Brought us to this
Gloomy place.
Denial of what is
Will not save us.
Nor will doomsday
“Light the bitch up”
Drunken nihilists
Enjoying their own wake
Before death claims
His due.
Blindly begging on
Bended knee
While expecting
Some authority to
Deliver –
How many divisions
Can be counted
While those who
Profit are counting
On long-division
Exponentially
Producing
More and the same.
Look to old
Dead prophets
Dust and ash
Spewing forth
From thier graves.
Unheeded omen
Ring hollow,
Devolved humanity’s
Voice
Ring true.
There are no
Others,
Your mirror be
Broken;
But the projection
Remains –
One body,
One soul,
One You!

Let Go.

Do you remember
What the world was like
Before you were told
Toughen up,
Be strong,
Be bad,
Be savage;
Hold it in,
Don’t cry,
Don’t show weakness,
Don’t let even one person
Get over on you,
Get into your heart,
Or into your mind
Or into your lane.
Do you remember
Sweetness
And cuddles
And warmth
And freedom?
Do you remember
How it felt to
Just be:
Summer dewy grasses
Tickling bare feet
And birds singing
Tinkly-chortle-songs
Through verdant trees?
Do you remember
Trust
And faith,
Before they took from
You childhood’s grace?
Do you recall
The breath of the
Breeze
And the smell of
Wet metal
After precipitant
Release?
Can you travel
Backwards,
Eyes closed,
Breath held
For just another
Sweet moment
And be the you
From your birth;
Without the quills
Sewn under your
Skin by others
As phantom-protection
From artificially
Mass produced
Illusory dangers –
Thier screams rising
To crescendo
Please let us go!
Step out of
Your fear
Look around you
And see
The world as she is
Quite nurturing.
The battles are
Fought
Mostly inside
In spite of
The make-believe
Dramas told
Round cold tv light.

Hear Hear.

I found my voice
And so I started to
Speak –
But did I
Forget to
Listen
Or is it a question
Of hearing?
And what did I
Forget to hear?
When so many voices
Clamoring for the
Attention
Of the silent ones
Formerly only
Observing,
What is this
Maelstrom made of
Many voices singing
Their trauma and drama
In harmony
As many in
One accord?
Is the only true
Unity
In complaint?
And when we hear
The discordance of
Falsehoods
Ring out like
Metal on ceramic
Bashing what was pure
Into fragmented
Shards of divinity;
Do we have the stillness
To discern
The spiral
Of creation
Which presses upon us?
Are we
Thinking
Or feeling
Or speaking;
And can we
Recognize the difference?
Can I love that
Which I still believe
Incapable of loving?
And can I allow to
Heal
That which I judge
Incapable of healing?
And can I allow?
Can I allow?
Can I release from
My clutches
That which carried me
In a basket
On a sea of tears?
Can I simply allow
That which is seeking me
To arrive with certainty
Without my clutching
To some abstract
Idea of formalized control?
Where is located
That final
Alchemical combination
Of imagination and
Blindness?
It’s been written;
It’s been dreamt;
It’s been asked for;
It’s been summoned;
It was promised
Before any of this
Ever unfolded,
In that abyss where
Childhood called the bet.
Time has been
Fluid,
(Or is it the observer)
And space unraveled
And folded into
That paper lantern
First lit
With the breath of
Ancient reds.
Primordial forces
Unleashed from the tomb
As the mother
Ankle deep in the womb
Of gaia
Danced
With pernicious
Delight.
Tonight
I’ll glide with starlight
And see what can
Still can be seen.

Allowable.

You’re allowed to take up space.
You’re allowed to show your face.
You’re allowed to be heard.
You’re allowed to be seen.
You’re allowed to be angry
And to seethe with righteous rage.
You’re allowed to feel broken
While you wait for the pain
To subside into healing
And to rest and to cry and to
Give in to dark tides
And to be weak
And to feel small.
You’re allowed to be emotional
Or emotionless
Or stale – stuck on a feeling
You can’t seem to escape.
You’re allowed to be loud.
You’re allowed to scream
With wild beasts
The words composed by your heart
As it beats sonnets
To you in private –
That pulse your
Private inward universe –
The inverse of
What’s typically acceptably known –
Singing you awake
As you take a moment
To plan your next play.
You’re allowed to be
Exactly where you are
For as long as you choose
To be exactly You –
Whichever You –
You choose to show up as.
And you’re allowed to
Decide –
Where to go to from here.
You can rest
You can withdraw
You can be silent –
Saying everything
By saying nothing at all.
You’re allowed to run forward
Swift as March winds,
To gallop with wild mares
Or soar o’er verdant trees
Slooping and looping
Through currents high
Above blues and greens
In that space between
Space and cottony clouds.
You’re allowed to
Roll slow
Like innocent brooks
Sunning and tumbling
Slipping over sand and silt
Gentle treasure flowing
Steady and enjoying the view.
You’re allowed to sleep,
To surrender
To that dark unknown,
To slip into that space
Beyond wakeful control.
You’re allowed to not know,
To not plan,
To not strive,
To not measure,
To not compare,
To not push,
To not try.
You’re allowed grace.
You’re allowed love.
You’re allowed peace.
You’re allowed tender embraces
And sweet breathy sighs.
You’re allowed ease.
You’re allowed to just be.
Be.

Incorporated.

My love is God in love with me.
My anger is God angry in me.
My jealousy is God jealous in me.
My resentment is God resentful in me.
My hatred is God hating me.
My fear is God fearful in me.
My awe is God in awe of me.
My bliss is God blissful in me.
My happiness is God happy with me.
My joy is God joyful in me.
My humor is God’s humor with me.
My forgiveness is God’s forgiveness of me.
My humility is God’s humility in me.
My peace is God’s peace for me.
My bitterness is God bitter in me.
My sadness is God sad for me.
My repulsion is God repulsed by me.
My judgement is God judging me.
My acceptance is God accepting of me.
My wisdom is God’s wisdom growing in me.
My intelligence is God’s intelligence for me.
My pride is God’s pride in me.
My gratitude is God’s gratitude for me.
My shadow is God in shadow as me.
My light is God as light in me.
All of me is grace
And all of me is good
And all of me is approved of
And all of me composes
The entirety
Of me.
Divine, whole, complete
God incorporated in me.

Seemings.

To the one
Who can see
Only enemies,
Your kindness
Will be returned
As “fake”.
To the one
Who has no
Voice,
Your joy
Will be returned
As “domineering”.
To the one
Who can see
Only users,
Your boundaries
Will be returned
As selfishness.
To the one
Who can see
Only abuse,
Your voice
Will be returned
As blame.
To the one
Who only knows
Trauma,
A simple
“No”
Will be returned
With great pain.
To one who
Chooses
Thier own path,
Thier own life,
Their own feelings,
And thier own way,
All will be
Recived
With clarity,
With love,
With understanding,
And grace.

Whispers.

I have voice in my lungs
And speak gently
This is my truth:
It’s not about you –
Though there may yet
Be storms and calamity,
These seas will be stilled
By peaceful mastery –
Never by control from
Another – the direction’s
My choice and my right
To decide to turn
Rudders and sails in
Any direction – to join
The tide or to struggle
And fight
For a path
Which cuts through
To chosen destiny.
You’ll try in vain
To drain the sea,
Or to bottle the winds,
Or to wrestle control
Of my vessel from me –
All are mistaken and
You’ll only tire out,
Your belly will rumble
And ache and the wildness
Of winds never will break.
My vessel will ever be
Free to embark or to
Drift as my soul
Sees fit – you’ll
Only be torn from
Your shores and divided
Limb from limb.
So listen my love,
When gentle hearts
Roar in whispers
Making sweet requests –
Listen, for I’ve lost
All patience for struggle,
And fights, and untangling
My life from another who
Would attempt to snuff
Out this inner wisp
Of a light –
Thinking it a danger
Hoping to control
That which chooses
To abide for a time.
Tune your hearing to
The simple small tune
And dismiss not my
Asking for I’ve granted
Access to you
In this place
Where few ever enter
And none may stay –
Linger long as a friend
Or be on your way –
For no roughness,
Nor violence, nor
Wrath may abide –
I’ve no room here for
An enemy – only peace
Grows inside.
Slow down, take my hand,
Let us follow no lead,
For this dance has never
Been choreographed –
It’s truly divine
Birthed by creation’s
First seed.

Peace.

Peace is
When my own voice is enough.
Peace is
When my own touch is love.
Peace is
My life my way.
Peace is
Feeling whole each day.
Peace is
There’s nothing to want.
Peace is
I’m just me – no front.
Peace is
Every moment a gift.
Peace is
Life fully lived.
Peace is
A prayer in each breath.
Peace is
Contentment and rest.
Peace is
Joyful laughter each day.
Peace is
Whatever I say.

Nature.

A bird is still
A bird though
Her wing be broken.
She will not suddenly
Become a serpent
Because she cannot fly.
The gentle nature within
Will not corrupt
Though it be driven
Into hiding spaces
In places only shades
Dare to go.
Though she may pretend
To be content with
Skipping about on
Feet never meant for
Walking, she will soon
Return to her high
Spaces when given time;
For all do mend and
Heal and return to their
Nature true in God’s
Due time.
A bird is still
A bird though she may
Not sing – whether t’is
From injury or grief for
Her beloved sky.
She’ll dream of singing
Songs anew, soon as
Strength returns
And she takes flight.
One who’s made of
Love and light
Will always return
True to form – despite
All false belief
And cloudy sight;
We are but vessels
Toting stardust
Through the night.

Harvest.

I’ll not tell you
Not to clip your wings,
For I’ve done the same
For the love it might bring.
I’ll not tell you
Not to muffle your song,
For I’ve done the same
Thinking it was for love all along.
I’ll not tell you
Not to hide your light,
For I’ve done the same,
Thinking it would brighten love’s flame.
I’ll not tell you
Not to silence your voice,
For I’ve done the same,
Thinking love’s best choice.
I’ll not tell you
Not to give your whole heart,
For I’ve done the same
Thinking love’s playing its part.
I’ll not tell you
Your love is a crime,
For I’d choose the same
For love I’d take any punishment –
I’d do the time.
I’ll not tell you,
Not to bend, crawl, or stoop;
For I’ve done the same
Thinking love would deliver, true.
Love as you choose,
Like the breath in your chest,
Holding it inside
Becomes as toxic as not inhaling at all.
Allow it to flow in and out,
As natural as a breeze,
Attempt not to control
Lest it die to be free.
But when the love you offer dies
As fruit on the vine,
Do not blame the wild tree
For another’s crime.
Uproot and seek fertile
And rich earth to replant,
And watch as new love flowers
And all that was spent
Is returned in full.
See how in due season
Richly harvested fruit
Pressed into wine of the divine
In the fullness of time.

Mistaken Identity.

You say I’m broken
That I made myself small,
But that wasn’t it
You don’t see me at all.
You think I’m in hiding
And playing it safe,
But that’s not actually
The game that I play.
You say I give too much
Of myself to everyone else,
But you don’t know me,
You just don’t see.
You think I lack the ability
To speak up for my soul,
But you have no clue
Where my true motives are.
What you just can’t fathom,
What you will never understand,
Is I only wanted freedom
To live life just as I am.
I choose what to give and to whom,
I choose how to live,
I choose what to say,
I choose how far I’m willing to go.
I don’t need anything,
It’s always all been within,
But I want to have fun
And to play all day with good friends.
I’d rather keep the party going
Then hold onto all my stuff,
And I’m fine seeming small,
My own praise is more than enough.
I don’t need presents,
Or attention or gifts –
Just time spent laughing with
Someone I truly, deeply love,
Is the way I wish to live.
So you can count coup,
And tallies may take,
Draw lines in the sand,
Horde false treasure and friends.
I’ve had lifetimes of spoils,
And paths filled with pretense,
And nothing does last –
Even this dear life,
Someday must end.
So decide now what’s important
What is wanted,
How much is enough?
For me,
Each moment
I endeavor to fill with
Only my love.

Proper credit for the rose featured goes to the manufacturer of a paint by number practice that came in my art kit I was given as a gift. Thank you @Artskills of Bethlehem, PA for assisting me. The final product and background are mine.

Love and Light.

Love and light
I send unto you,
Not for you but
For me.
Though there is
No fault nor
Blame,
Though there is
No cause to feel
Shame –
I send love and
Light because
All disruption
Lives within
Me.
There’s no
Pain you’ve
Caused me nor
Hurt that I’ve felt
That you could ever
Undo.
If anyone is
Holding onto the
Poison,
It’s me.
I may have every
Reason
And every justified
Excuse,
But my soul
Longs to sing
A higher pitch.
I cannot return
To the heights that
I crave
With this anchor
I’m holding
Within.
I remember the
Wound and the
Wounding,
And anger returns with
A fire –
So I stoke the
Embers and
Utilize
Their ferocity to
Carry the light.
I smile and send
Love.
I send light because
That’s my right.
I’m connected
By my soul’s
DNA to the
Infinite source of
Love –
There’s never an
Empty well,
There’s never a
Dark night.
I cannot exhaust
What flows freely,
What’s given without
Condition or
Due.
So when I think
Of how another’s
Wronged me,
I send love
And light
And feel my spirit
Return to her
Place of
Peace within.

Storybook.

Do you remember
Who you were
Before they told
You what to fear?
Do you remember
The peace inside?
Do you remember
Feeling as if your
Life were simple
And complete?
Do you remember
Having all you
Ever needed,
Desiring only
For the joy
Of others?
Do you remember
Wondering
What suffering meant,
For that too
Was as strange as
Reasons for another
To ever choose it?
Do you remember how
It was always so
Easy?
How you watched
The world through
Unclouded lens?
Do you remember
Choosing to see
The narrative
Which others said
Was reality
Playing pretend?
Do you remember
How freedom felt
Before you felt
Guilty for
Being free?
Do you remember
Limitless possiblity;
Every wish a certainty,
Every desire a
Probability?
Do you remember
A time before
You were taught
To seek out the
Fear of another,
To attempt
To decipher
Their misunderstood
Reactions to genuine
And heartfelt
Love given
Abundantly?
Do you remember
What it was like
To be easy
And open
And willing;
To walk sure-footed
And confidently
Into each morning?
Do you remember
Knowing that some
Loving entity
Answered every
Prayerful request
And noticing how
The best always
Manifest?
Don’t you remember
What it was
To masterfully be,
Before someone
Filled you with
A recipe for cynical
Archeology?
Don’t you remember
Looking for answers
When the question
Was simply –
“Why is my love
Met with punishment
When I feel only
Like giving freely
And expecting
Nothing
But to continue
The fun?”
I’ve already seen
There’s a different
Capacity,
And not all are capable
Of untangling
Thier web-covered
Walls.
I’ve never understood
Why letting go
Wasn’t easier,
Until so many
Disappointing and
Destructive lovers
Took what was given freely
And gave to others,
Seeing me only
Broken
As they saw themselves
As I waited
In vain for
Them to stand tall.
Listen to words
Of advice from
Well meaning love
Veterans
Telling me to
Be guarded and
Stingy
And to hold on to
My heart;
But they have never
Seen a masterful
Sorceress
And misunderstand love
In its abundant
Ever-flowing
Natural flood.
When you are made of
The same stuff
As gods
And the universe,
When you are love
As it flows o’er
Gaia,
When you are
Peaceful inside
And have no need for
Defensively guarding,
You choose where to
Allow yourself
To flow.
You give whenever you
Desire to give.
You serve as you
See yourself
Fit.
You are love
And thus
Nothing is ever
Wasted,
No one may
Betray you
If it’s your
Choice
Where to place
Each surely met step.
When you measure
And mete each
Playful exchange,
And you bare
Yourself and
Judge what distance
You tread,
When you open
And close as naturally
As any heart’s
Chambers,
No missing
Or lacking
Intrudes
On fine
Temple walls.
So let others
Have their rules
And hard lines,
You’ve seen their
Reliance on a black
And white code.
Your life is
Fully lived by your
Infinite spirit
And you decide
How to interpret each
Storybook’s
Close.

Depths.

Shadow
Automatons dance
On gently stirred
Air
Like motes of
Mother’s dust
Eternally agitated
By the motion of
Movement –
A rollick of
Memories born
To flesh
And the forgotten
Yesterdays
Which whisper their
Foreboding tale
On vibrational staircase
Winding ever upward
To lofty tomorrows.
She pirouettes in place,
Her thick-tufted
Pajamas clinging to
Thighs whose
Regresses and egresses
Have become more
Shapely with children
And baring the weight of
Many men
Who would give her
Their burdens to
Carry
Like water vessels
On her back,
In her heart and mind,
On her soul.
The stars and crescent moons
Bend and bunch
In places which
Attract and distract the light
And in symphony with
Grace
Do there create
Winding roads
And lonely paths
Many have wandered
After the lights of
Day have retreated behind
Expectant moons.
What use have
You of me?
She asks the shadows
As they swirl about
Her and she gathers
Them like fish
Caught in the net of
Her flaxen hair.
What use have I
Of your echoed
Lament?
She does not hide
The abyss of her
Seas
But only those
Who venture into
The bed of placid
Deep
May find that
Treasure which she
Keeps.
There is no binding
Nor secret map,
She offers her stores
With open access
But few should wish
To see
That which could be
Inwardly plundered.
Attempt to narrate her
Movements,
Guess at her motives,
Create your own story
Which explains her
Free spiritedness –
From your high vantage
Only mirrored reflection
Return shadow-
Prancers to mind.
You’ll need to dive
Deep
Unencumbered
By false pretense
Or expectancy –
Plunge depths previously
Uncharted
And see the secret
Gardens she keeps.
Those who would
Delve unbidden
Into forbidden troves
Will find themselves
Puzzled – perplexed,
For the
The laws which govern
All others
Applied here
Leave visitors quite
Vexed.
Not upside-down
Nor inside-out
Nor distorted reality –
No, that which paints
Ancient walls here
Depicts strange
Curiosities indecipherable
And indescribable by
Those whose frequencies
Keep to low-tides.

Decide.

It is not weakness –
The strength of
Teams of horses
Hold this gentle
Heart open.
It is not frailty
Which makes me soft –
I am who I am
By choice.
It is not fragility
Which asks me to
Give of myself –
For I am made of
Love
And love which flows
Freely from me
Is fierce as any
Tidal flood.
It is not shame
Which drives me –
For I am free
And hold myself
Naked
Unafraid and unwilling
To hide that which
Nature has born me.
It is not fear
Which asks me to
Bare myself –
I am fortified from
Within and that fortification
Is my own construction
And grand design.
It is not from
Brokenness –
I do not collapse inwardly
At the slightest touch.
You may interpret
Me
As you choose –
But know that my
Choice belongs to me
Wholly
And I possess all of me
And I give to who I give
Willingly
By choice
And courage
And might.
It is not up to you
To decide.

Return.

When it was
Black or white
There were
Two choices,
Obey or
Else it’s a
Sin.
All of the horrors
That came from
Other’s
Voices
“Thou shalt not”s
“You are born
Corrupt
Within!”
Birthed into a
World filled with
Evil,
Where every devilish
Delight
Looks a friend,
Fading to
Nothing
To somehow
Fit in.
Beaten
By other’s
Yardsticks,
Stopping so
The punishment
Might end.
Learn to navigate
Life
Lived lonely,
Where even friends
Are playing
Pretend.
Learn to study
And measure
The cracks to
Fall through
As defense.
Learn to
Sneak
And slither,
Learn to watch
Others fall,
Learn to wait
With patience,
Learn to
Listen to all.
Hear words
With pure meanings
And see actions
As they are,
Learn to hang back
And wait
Watching
As the storybook
Rules
Are broken by
New laws.
Lean against
The tree of
Their savior
And feel what it
Was to give
Everything
To thier unanswered
Call.
Then turn to
Your own gentle
Neighbor
And see the confusion,
Minds spinning
To solve –
Each and every
Dilemma
Through rules
Meant for
Ancients;
Hear the words
“I die
So you may live.”
Whose life
Are you living?
To whom are you
Giving?
What’s your
Choice now?
What do you
Desire?
If it’s wealth
That you seek
Go and get it.
If it’s peace,
Lay down your
Arms.
If it’s love
You want
Be open,
If it’s happiness
Then that’s
Also your job!
The world is
Helpful and
Changing
Ever to accommodate
Our desires.
The question
Was lost in
Translation
It was never
“What will you
Give?”
The question
That life begs
To pardon:
“What is it that
Your loving
Heart desires?”
Blacks and whites
Work for those
Who want nothing,
Who need little
From life but
To feel safe.
Blacks and whites
Give comfort
To scared
Children
Who cannot
Believe in
Themselves.
Play the game
Of my daddy
Can beat
Yours,
Or play the
Game of
This is my choice.
My father
Is a
Gentle man
Of peace,
And we all
Preferred it
That way.
“Billy said his
Dad can beat you
But I told him
You’re the best”
My father chuckled
And shook his
Head
“I don’t want
To beat anyone up.
I probably could
But that’s not
My job.”
Next time Billy
Spoke of my father,
I told him
“My dad doesn’t
Want to beat yours.”
Billy said my dad
Was too scared
Hoping to keep
Me engaged.
I walked away.
Those who
Only know
Violence
Can imagine life
No other way,
And those who
Live life gentle
Are free to choose
How to play.
Love started
Freely given
To others at war
With all haste
Thinking they would
Love me peaceful
If only shown
There’s no need
To be afraid.
It was never
About an exchange,
Love was never
A commodity.
But the love
I desired
Was empty
And so I
Patiently wait.
My mother was
My own secret
Weapon
For those who
Would not
Hear the whisper
Of peace.
She’s quieter now
As we both
Stand on this
Shore
And wait for
The return
Of brave and gentle
Noble King.

Christmas Eve.

The hour draws near
And there are tests
Yet to take
And the test maker
Is away from her
Post.
The substitute has
Charms,
More than a few,
And the time is
Growing late.
There are distractions
Beguiling
And tempting,
Diversions
Plentiful await,
But the rewards
Are intrinsic aplenty
And pure intention
Carry me
Through.
So I retreat
To familiar
Abode –
Second home
When childhood
Was drifting
Afar –
And seeking the
Calm and the silence
Just before the test
Is due.
It’s dim here
The light is fading,
So I’ll locate
The switch
On the wall,
And just as miraculous
As electricity,
The new perspective
Reveals
A Christmas Surprise!
Balloons come to life
By lamplight
And rise to meet
Heaven’s walls
And in the
Excitement and flurry
Distract from the
Fancily wrapped
Gifts scattered
Inside.
I rush to the nearest
And most festive
And lift the label
To read
And there scrawled
In blue ink:
From a dear
Friend’s widower
To one who once
Was my all.
Surveying the other
Packages,
I knew instant
And immediately
No labels bore
My name;
No gifts here
Were meant for me.
I wanted to play
With those others
But chose myself
Instead,
And gifts
Offered for another
Seemed almost to
Derail.
Now awake I
Ponder my vision,
What could the omen
Mean?
The instrument
Of my labor
Was never intended for
Me.
It was a joy
To be paid to
Play,
It was a thrill
To craft and hone,
But most importantly
It was a testament
To the power
Of what a tiny
Measure of belief
Can do.
For one who’d forgotten
To dream,
For one whose
Pragmatism
Was a smokescreen
For judgement and blame,
For one who
Believed himself
In prison,
I showed him
To freedom
By other means.
I never doubted what
I’d not learned to
Doubt,
It never occurred
To me I’d
Ever fail.
I chose the environment
For my studies –
I chose to prepare
To test well.
I chose the comfort
Of familiar,
I chose to doubt
Anything could be
For me.
I chose to be
About my own
Business,
I chose to see
To my own
Concerns,
And when I was
Confronted
By misgiven gifters,
I nearly
Allowed myself
To sink into
Self-pity;
I nearly chose to
Forsake it all.
The secret about
Gifts is in the
Sharing –
None benefit from
Binding them
In wrapping and
Bows.
Even gifts addressed
To another
Create magic
To be felt
And exquisitely
Expressed
By all.
No gifts can
Ever be misgiven,
No time is ever
A waste;
No choice can
Be the wrong one,
No love is
Ever in vain.
Back onto
Bigger and better,
I’ve grander
Business to see to.
My choice is
Value and substance,
Trifles
Never will do.

Christmas eve morning my son woke me up mid-dream just as I was reading the label on a blue gift which was wrapped with very gaudy foil-wrap. I spent a good part of the day deciphering what the dream meant to me.

Silver SHADOW.

Ancient
Formless
Flowing
Placid
Fluid
Timeless
Feminine
Wise
Divine
Connected
Source
Abiding
Translucent
Directed
Steady
Peaceful
In the recess of
Consciousness
Behind thought which
Steers the thinker
She is me
She is mother
She is the universe
She is god.
Faceless nameless
Soul-self
Beyond what time
Measures
In lines
And hexes
And spirals
The space
Between
The breath
And the breathed
The exhale
Which births
Life
The nothing
Which gives definition
To all
She is neither
And in her neitherness
Others
Are sown
The void
Which divides
Masses
Unto
Masses
Her voice is
The rumbling of
Earthquakes
Hum of
Silence
Ringing
Piercing
Pulse beating
Like the tide
Rustling of fingers
Through wild
Manes
The voices
Of billions
Murmur
In prayer
She is the spine
Of life
Connecting
Heaven to earth
You may see
Her faceless face
When the mask slides
Or the windows
Forget to hide
And when wholly
Surrendered to
Christ is
Alive.

Deserve.

You deserve
Better.
You deserve the
Best.
You deserve
Laughter
And joy
And sun-kissed
Clouds
And foamy tides
Swirling around
Bare and bony
Shins
Bringing chills
To bones
And the deep resounding
Love which creation
Is ever creating
For you –
Especially you –
Simply because you’re
You!
You deserve
To be held
In darkness
And in light,
Against the backdrop
Of stormy skies
And under umbrellas
Of early morning
Lights.
You deserve to
See the very
Stars
Sparkle
In lovers’ eyes
And the epoch and
Epics
Told of heroic
Peacefully truthful
Truce
Which brings the
Rose to the
Plummy cheeks
Beneath those
Crystalline eyes.
You deserve
Vanquished
Beasts of prey
Laid at ivory
Feet
And prayerful lulling
Sleepy
Lullaby sheep.
You deserve the finest
Garments and fanciest
Flesh
And the bright
Baubles and simple
Dangley
Dingle-dangle
Bangly bits.
You deserve nature’s
Ornamentation
Worn like
A satin sash
Declaring
Prized prideful
Prizes
Given freely
For simply who
You are simply
Being.
You deserve the
Wins
And victories
And celebration
Festivities
Which honor
Deeds many and
Few.
You deserve the
Sun
And moon
And stars,
The wind
And rain
And stone.
You deserve crackling
Fires
Which catch passionately
Stirring your mind
To imaginary
Imagery;
Paper dolls
Silhouetting
Your inner walls
Polished to high
Sheen.
You deserve
The world
And that which
Holds the world
Like a lover
Whose time
Has come to
Leave love
Behind.
You deserve
Every breathy moment
As it expands into
Space and contracts
Into the past.
You deserve each
Nerve ending
Stimulated
Electric
And each follicle
Gently
Tickly
Aroused
To moany
Peaks and precipices
Never before
Crossed.
You deserve
Alpha and omega
And all that
Pretends to
Exist between
And above
And below
And infinitely
Mirrored
Into our private
Pocket
Multiverse.
You deserve each
Retelling and
Replaying
Roleplay
And choosing
The same or
Different choices;
None are wrong
For they are held
By you.
You deserve
Peace.
You deserve
Satisfaction.
You deserve
Bliss.
You deserve
Love.