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P.O.D.S. (Something New.)

“Happy Anniversary,” he half whispered, voice shaky.

She could tell he was nervous and that made her irritable. She was tired from a day of cleaning and her body ached. His soft hands grasped her rough palms, pulling her eagerly into their tiny apartment. It was a third-floor walk up with sloping floors, but it was the best they could afford.

“I-I have a surprise for you,” he stammered.

She rolled her eyes. She wondered if he had navigated into another sexual kink online and was about to propose that it would be the end to their ho-hum everyday simple little life. No matter what it was, she loved their life. She worked hard but it was honest work. He was a coder for P.O.D.S. and one of the few who still lived in the real world. She was proud of them and their choices. They were good people. She was kind. She never abused the people jacked into P.O.D.S., wasting away while their minds consumed data like water passing through sand. She had taken on clients whose previous caregivers had done terrible things to their bodies and homes while jacked and helpless.

“I,” he started, and then took a deep breath as if gathering his strength. “I know we made a promise. And we’ve kept that promise. But-”

“Oh no!” She interjected. “No I told you that swinging was just not for me. Not even if we don’t know the people. I just like being normal.”

“No, no, no,” he reassured her, a smile forming and his confidence growing. “Babe, look.”

He led her into their small bedroom and gently nudged her to the bed. There was a headset and earbuds in an open box with the bold, black P.O.D.S. lettering embossed on the side.

“We’ve been working on the unplugged version and it’s really good. Since I could never afford to send us away for our anniversary, I thought maybe we could take a virtual trip.” He was wringing his hands together like kneading dough.

She started to speak but he continued, becoming more insistent.

“This is not the same. There are no data ports to install, there’s no bio-monitor needed, no dopamine regulators. It’s just old school 3-d. Like watching a movie.” He seemed to grow taller in his courage.

She had never seen her husband this excited about a program. She narrowed her eyes to little slits, forcing his face to shift in and out of focus, as if a change in perspective might give her some clue to his newfound exuberance.

“We’ve been testing it at work and the reviews are amazing. And so far, no one is hooked — well not too hooked — not like P.O.D.S.–”

“NO!” she nearly screamed as she stood up from the edge of the bed. “No, no. We did make a promise. When we saw what social media was doing to people in the 20’s we both vowed to stay offline, in the real world. When game systems started rewiring children’s brains we kept our kids offline until they…” she drifted, remembering the day each of her children picked up a headset and plugged in. “…until we lost them.” Near tears, she sat back on the bed. “No, Jim, I can’t. Not even if it’s just like watching a movie. I won’t! And you promised me you wouldn’t either.”

He stood over her, watching her hold back tears, thinking about his children and their choices. Thinking about his own choices.

P.O.D.S. had taken over quickly. Within six months most of the world population were jacking in. Who knew that a video game would solve world hunger, automation, sustainable energy. People not working directly for the game while plugged in worked in mech suits playing farming games or manufacturing games. In the real world, they harvested the soy and manufactured the tube slurry that was fed in the P.O.D.S. enclosure while the person’s body was incapacitated. To the end user, they might be eating steak or sushi. In the real world an essential amino acids compound made mostly of soy was fed through their nose into their stomach. They felt nothing.

Within a year, most of the world had been moved into tiny apartments which housed their P.O.D.S. enclosure and provided a water source and plumbing for the excrement hoses. Very few resources were needed to house people who had become completely dependent on their online lives. Because there were so few people not jacked in, Sherry and others like her made decent money caring for the people housed in P.O.D.S. communities. End users worked, dated, had sex, played games, traveled — while their bodies became emaciated and useless, their minds consumed endless amounts of data all while chemical reactions of the brain cycled to keep them endlessly entertained.

Jim worked for the company who developed the P.O.D.S. software. He was one of the few outside engineers. He had been offered enormous pay increases if he would agree to jack in, but every time he refused. He loved Sherry, and she was right. The world had become something darker and uglier in the early 20s. With so few people in the real world and with so many jacked in, the world was peaceful. Boring. But peaceful. There were questions about infrastructure and sustainability. Children were nearly extinct and the few scientists not jacked in debated endlessly the implications of allowing people to be cloned or to reproduce and whether or not P.O.D.S. could be a safe environment for the developing child.

Early in product testing the dopamine regulation created horrific side effects. People became deranged and suicidal. A new form of schizophrenia emerged. Victims of early experimentation were warehoused by the dozen, peacefully waiting for a natural death while in an induced coma. The timing of the dopamine cycle was everything. Too much or too little of a good thing and in the wrong order or for the wrong timespan had grave consequences.

The game was extremely addictive, not because it was anything special, but because it was designed to be so. The circuits connecting to the pleasure-center of the brain were programmed to cycle dopamines – happy chemicals. Early in the product launch, people spent a few hours a day plugged in, but noted that they experienced extreme levels of depression and physical pain as soon as they unplugged. Eventually people began moving their lives fully online. As more people were jacked in 24/7, industries had no option but to follow suit. Fossil fuels became too cumbersome to use for energy. Tending to livestock on a large scale became too difficult.

End users were too consumed by the game to notice that even their online lives became more controlled. There were endless options for gameplay and new apps were constantly being released. The end-user agreement changed frequently and must be agreed to in order to resume play. Almost no one read it. P.O.D.S. could insist on doing anything to or with an end user and they would never know or care. As long as gameplay continued and dopamine cycles were perfect, end users were willing to do anything.

Jim picked the box up from the bed and turned to the door. He would return the console in the morning. He couldn’t stand to see Sherry cry, so he thought it would be better to leave her alone. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her lie on the bed as he closed the door. He would spend their anniversary on the couch.

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Timeless

My heart is
A 1950s movie,
Printed on film,
Sealed in tin,
Smelling of
Ozone and vellum,
Gently warmed by
The hum of
Electric light;
Click-clacking in
A familiar rhythm
To familiar timing,
Burning away at
The dust of yesterday’s
Misappropriated lust.
She’s semitransparent,
Like projections
On white-painted panels,
Whose seams
Create the illusion
Of overlapping
Worlds,
Converging as one.
My heart beats to
Your footsteps,
A battle-march
We once danced
Together,
Briefly halted,
Resuming apart;
Parking lot waltzes,
The lambada of public
Displays
Of personal shame,
And the final
Sagayan
Where winners claimed
Defeat.
My heart draws in
Hope
And expels courage
With every contraction,
Birthing new sweetness,
Driving rivers of
Richness
To universes afar.
She has grieved
As the widow,
Retired like the
Sun;
She’s rested like
Winter,
And resisted the
Fall.
I’ve dreamt of the
Wonders
Of digital age,
Of miraculous manifestations
By wizard and sage;
But naught can compare
To the golden age
Of my life:
When memories of a time
Long gone by
Consume my heart’s
Movie-house stage.
I await on my mark,
Willing the apparition
Reflected upon me,
To take his true form.
That timeless classic
Of bygone day,
Echoing off inner chambers,
Preserved by consciousness’
Seventy-millimeter,
Fragile, yet unfeigned.

brb.

I never go backwards.
I
Went
Back
For
You.
Bummed a smoke
From Cerberus
At your buzz-in gate,
Saw a maiden
Throwing ash
From astride her pegasus
Bike,
Called grandmother fate
With a message
To relay,
You arrived
Just in time
To send me away.
The path forward
Has been
Off
Every day since.
Did the world
Diverge
Or did I?
I never go backwards.
In every dimension
Through every simulation
On every timeline –
I’d do it the same.

Karma.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
If they deserve it,
If they started it,
If they asked for it,
If they did worse:
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
If it was unjust,
If it was unjustified,
If it was unkind,
If it was evil,
If it was twisted,
If it was unpredictable;
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
So rise up,
Fight for your freedoms,
Courage in your conviction,
Do not stop until
The day is won;
But, take heed:
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
Keep sight on what is wanted,
Create and steadily build,
Let the source of all creation
Reveal the miracle by grace,
But with honor and integrity,
Warriors true to codes of light:
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self;
Karma, binding law,
Heavily weighs on every soul
And returns to be resolved;
Souls light as feathers,
Seek free heart, spirit, and mind:
Anything done to another,
Also is done to the self.

Sister.

I forgive you
Because you’re scared and you know that your position in life is not guaranteed.
I forgive you
Because you’ve been bullied into accepting a system of belief that you are less than.
I forgive you
Because you’ve been rewarded by showing loyalty to entities that are not loyal to you.
I forgive you
Because you cannot fathom a life alone.
I forgive you
Because the love you seek is the love we all seek.
I forgive you
Because someone somewhere convinced you that you are broken beyond repair.
I forgive you
Because you’ve worked hard and struggled long and feel the futility of it.
I forgive you
Because you believe that you are following a righteous path.
I forgive you
Because I understand the power of addiction – including the addictive nature of people pleasing.
I forgive you
Because you have been convinced that your power has been taken – that you never had any – that you will never have any – that you don’t deserve it.
I forgive you
Because it is within me to do so.
I forgive you
Without needing a reason or cause.
I love you.
No matter what.
No matter what.
No matter what.

Shadow-Puppet.

You’re a poem now,
(My poem)
Crumpled and torn
From my book of
Shadows
Borne into light.
You’re a match-stick man –
All angles,
Elbows, and knees;
A puppet loosed
Of his strings.
It’s not
Even worth penning
About, how translucent,
And unraveled,
Disheveled –
A cinder block
King.
I think fondly
On other tenants
Who treated
Thier roles with
Haphazard care.
I fondle the edges,
Trace memory’s ledges,
And flick what remains
Of you into the
Pit
Of another night’s
Interrupted slumber.
One gentle tug
On silver cord,
I drag you back
Into the light
On my mind’s stage.
Dance my shadow puppet,
Recite poetic refrains,
Glide through
Gentle dreamscapes tonight.

Black-Days.

Some days I can
Revisit
Those sepia-stained
Memories,
Like looking through
Aged glass,
Long-slumped, distorting
Light and shadow
In a seductive
Interplay –
And tears pooling
In corners of
Mind’s-eye, turned
Within, stirring
Insides-out.
Sometimes I emerge,
Riding ripples
Of new strength
Like riptides
Carrying this tired
Corpse
To familiar shore;
Sometimes I drown
In inky pools
Of dread,
Pressed down by
The words and retorts
Endlessly churning,
Undulating and decomposing,
Compressed between
The weight of today
And the shadow of
Yesterday.
I’d scream if
I thought it
Would matter,
If it would cause
You to turn this
Direction –
To return and rearrange
Those unspoken words
Strewn along the
Streetlights
Between us,
Like laundry someone
Forgot to bring in
Before sunbaked and
Faded, falling
Crisp as sprigs of
Fresh mint
To the bottom of
Your glass –
I’d cry, or laugh,
Or beg, or demand,
Or stand mute,
If by so doing,
That sepia-stained
Memory of what I
Hoped to hold onto,
Might fall out of
Time
And restore us
To that timeline
Lost to the void;
Where once possibility
Diverted by
Corruption and lies,
Told by the pain
Borne by another –
Stripped me bare and
Tossed heartily to the
Street running between
Our returns home,
With torn sidewalks and
Angry traffic
Ever pressing me aside.
These Black-Days
I scream into that
Cavern of creation
Between existences
And demand what was
Promised.
Black-Days fade into
Black-Nights and I
Sink verdant roots into
Thirsty earth and
Release this mess
Of human bargaining.
I’ll revisit this
Pain tomorrow.

Just to Be Sure.

7 billion
Other people
On the planet
(Or is it closer
To 8?)
And at least half
Of whom are men,
And yet none
Are you.
Of course I’ve
Not yet met all 3.5
To 4 billion
Just to be sure.
I’m pretty sure
The other half –
3.5 to 4 billion –
Women alive
On the planet
Who are not me,
Are probably
Better
In every way.
And so it stands
To reason,
That you will
Be just fine,
And probably have
Already met someone
Better attuned to
Whatever it is
You were always
Looking for;
Whereas I will
Be forever
Rejecting
The other
3 billion, 4 hundred ninety nine
Million, nine hundred ninety nine
Thousand, nine hundred ninety nine,
Or so,
Not you’s –
Just to be sure.

Washing Clothes on a Sunday Morning.

The bushes at
The laundromat
In the middle of
The city
Are abuzz
With bees.
Lilly-laced
Butterflies dance
Over the nearly-even
Branches, filled in
Since the last
Trim.
The world outside
Of silicon binary walls,
Artificially constructed
By the least intelligent,
Roofless
But contained;
This slowly ageing world
Of butterflies and bees
Contains the wisdom
Of the universe
And all her sacred
Design.
Sounds of cars
Passing gassily by
On streets untended to
And holey like an
Unholy minefield
Of maelstrom-inducing
Destructive attempts
To tame what nature
Despises.
My consciousness drifts
To neighboring launderers
As they dead-eyed
Submit to the
Ones and zeroes
That flow from crescent
Bent palms as
Thumbs busily manipulate
Their cold interiors.
What did we do with
The silence
Before we forgot
To be distracted?
We are husks
Consumed by our
Fruitless consumerism
And –
Oh my!
Another sweet butterfly!

Momento.

Last night I dreamt
That I had been loved –
Not by one,
But by two.
I felt the golden
Light of love,
Like the everburning
Sun,
Illuminate me from within;
As in this lifetime
I’d always hoped to find.
And an old friend,
Long lost to this
Cold marble plane,
Guiding me to the two:
One tall and blond
And somber as a gentle
Watchful ash;
One short and Asian and
Full of bubbles and light-stuff.
I walked with my pair
And felt no pull
Of jealousy, or doubt, or
The resentment which builds with
Each budding betrayal.
We three were purposed,
And hopeful, and comfortable,
Like a favorite sweater.
It was move-out day
And I was leaving rehab,
And the world was
Available fully to us,
And I had a dreamy knowing
That this was but a beginning.
I awoke from this
Future foretelling, alone,
My body returning to its
Sinus-clogged mortal springtime
State of planning my daily
To-do’s;
But a stray thread from
That dimension of dreaminess
Lured my wandering attention
To linger over
That feeling of possibility
Once more, like a lover
May linger over a
Momento.

Freedom.

You didn’t see it
When I was investing
In me because
To you
The only worthwhile investments
Lie
Outside built on lies
And the backs of those
Who bleed true.
I invested in
Freedom;
Not won through battle,
Nor won through purchase –
But won through declaration
That I should be free.
You shamed me
With every taunt
And twisted every
Intention
Kept in shadows.
And when I spoke
So that you may
Know
Truly what layered
And lovely
World was painted within,
You silenced me
With reproach.
Mistaken identity,
Misappropriation of mentorship,
Mislaid trust,
Doling out approval
For only that which
You deem worthy.
That which the cold
Shadow of 3am
Touches
In still corners
And deep crevasse
Only serves to
Obscure the path from
Envious onlookers.
I invested in
Myself,
The only investment
My soul knew to
Approve of.
I loosed her
Upon my life
And allowed the
Swollen tide
To carry me
Beyond time.
My choices
Will never follow
Your predicted pathways,
Because our worlds
And our purposes
Are not the same.
Eagle,
You proclaimed.
Lonesome eagle
Whose sharp-eyed gaze,
Dipping down
Among sparrows to play,
And search for
Those dwindling others
Who know these heights.
Why play the game
Of pretending
You understood,
When students teach
Masters
And ever betray
Their own corruptions,
While stalling,
Hoping to decipher
A soul’s
Silent cries?
Freedom,
Peeled from layers of
The skins sewn by
Others,
Heavy with judgement
And self-loathing.
Freedom –
Though not a hierarchy –
Still steps to climb
And sacred laws
To shed
As easily as
A mother’s tears.
Upturned truths,
Twisted
History, and muddied
Memories.
Climbing farther from
Those gnarled and
Twisted roots.
Before these
Great laden doors
To stand,
Stripped bare and
Standing tall.
I was invited.
I invested
In me.
I invested in
Life.

Leave Her Alone.

There will be times
When it won’t seem
Fair,
When the damage
Done by others
Will need repair,
When you will be
Asked to fill in
The gaps
From missiles launched
And historic attack –
So if you’re not
Committed to
More than your share –
If you’re set on
Punishing her
(Again)
For the sins
Of another –
Then leave her alone
She can’t have you
There.
If you give
Promises as
Empty as
Summer skies and
Winter winds,
And if you’re intention
Is based
On some future fantasy
Full of pretense,
Then do her a favor
And go wish on
A star –
But let it carry
You far
Far from her –
She needs solidly laid
Plans and sturdy
Built stones and
Foundations firm;
Anything else will
Bring her house
Flat to the ground.
There will be times
When her smile
Will fall
As freely
As her tears –
Her praises will
Turn to curses
And her skies will
Grow dark
And you’ll wonder
Where she’s gone
Off to
Without so
Much as a spark
Of the joy which first
Drew you into
Her enchanting ways –
And if you’re not
Invested in bringing
Her all the way
Through her darkness
Into brighter lit days –
Then take your selfish
Demands of her magick and
Positive vibes
And remember that no
One can carry
The entire weight
Of both worlds
At all times,
And look at the ways
She’s selflessly
Sacrificed her fire
And light,
See who’s placed
On her demands
No human can
Possibly
Fill,
And remind her that
She will
Always
Have a haven
Whether she’s
High or low –
If your love is based on
What she provides to you,
Then you will soon
Find
Her fierce storms
Change direction
And her fury
Will level you
Low to the earth.
She’s lived for
Years alone with
Herself and her thoughts,
Or in defense
From false champions
Who projected their
Failings and fears;
And she’s learned to
Be strong –
Mentally and physically too –
And she only wants
Peace and to finally
Breathe freely,
She wants the space
To exhale
Knowing today is secure,
And while tomorrow
Isn’t promised,
It’s presumed to be
A continuation of
Growth
With a solid partnership
On which she can rely.
If you’re not
Committed
One hundred percent
Then leave her –
Please leave her –
She’s better off
Shallowly breathing
Alone and tired
Then trusting in false
Promises and
Believing more
Lies.
She doesn’t
Want to change you
Or make you
Grow up,
She’s not
Into projects
Or force-filled
Boxes.
She doesn’t want to
Entice you
With curves
Or feminine flair,
She doesn’t want to
Beguile you
Or trick you
Or deceive you
Or make you feel
Wrong.
She just wants
Easy – peaceful – simple
But real.
She wants honest
Transparent
Reliable
And emotionally aware.
So if you’re not
Interested
In being read like
A book
Or if you’re
More intent
On revenge or
Domination
Or savagery
Or toughness
Or denial and blame –
Then please leave her
Please
Please
Please
Leave her
Alone.

Solid.

I only ever wanted
Sweetness
That was never offered,
Never wanted to
Defend
Against tempers
And tyrannical siege.
I only ever wanted
Gentleness
That was never present,
Never wanted to
Feel the void of
Love’s deficit
Like a collapsed star
Removing what was Me
From the dry and
Hollow husk
Of me.
I only ever wanted
Tenderness
That told me that
I was desirable
And which stoked inner flame;
Never wanted to be sealed
In a vacuum,
Extinguishing
Every desire and daydream –
Containing me as
Some exotic wisp of air.
I only ever wanted
To feel supported
By steady measured
Consistent
Care;
Never wanted to feel
Mishandled, used, and
Expected to carry the
Weight and burden of
Big talkers’ empty promises –
Lies that cheated a future
Of ease and enjoyment
And bountiful fare.
And so, I build
On firm foundation
All that I thought
I’d find:
Solo,
Solid,
Slow and steady;
Emerald gaze set
To future mirage
Materializing
With grace
Manifest effortlessly.

Thank You.

Thanks to you
I no longer allow
My self to be optional.
Thanks to you
I no longer entertain
Even the first
Glimpse of disrespect.
Thanks to you
I no longer endure
Unreciprocated attention.
Thanks to you
I no longer hold
Back when an emotion
Is confronted.
Thanks to you
I no longer lie
To myself about what I want
And what I can settle for.
Thanks to you
I no longer struggle
To feel worthy of
All of the things my
Pure heart desires.
Thanks to you
I no longer suggest
Favors that only work
In others’ favor
Which I would
Never have agreed to
Except that I wanted to
Seem so agreeable.
Thanks to you
I no longer permit
Myself to wonder
What life would look like
With someone who acts
Like they would rather
Live life without me.
Thanks to you
I no longer say
Things that I’m supposed to say
When I’d rather just
Scream.
Thanks to you
I never take anyone
Or anything
On face value.
Thanks to you
I’m not nice
I’m not kind
I’m not submissive
I’m not compliant
I’m not agreeable.
Thanks to you
I’m suspicious
And cynical
And callous
And hard.
Thanks to you
I’d really rather
Always only
Be all alone.
So,
Thank you!

Leave.

What if I’d
Just left that night?
What if I’d
Just not tried
Or bothered to
Assert myself
Or insert myself
Into my own life?
What if I’d just
Run away
Like I always run
When I’m not
Too afraid but life
Is too much
And nothing is
Ever going my way?
What if I’d just
Left?
How would it all
Have played
Out, would you
Have followed
Or were you always
Going to stay,
Plucking too ripe
Fruit from the ground
And settling for
That blackened sticky
Rotted taste?
Were you only really
There to take?
And take and take
And take what you thought
You could get away
With taking
Without a thought
Of the price –
For all bills
Eventually have their due.
What if I’d just
Left?
The first time I was
Bothered by the
Ease in which your
Lack of respect
Was scattered about the place
Like my hair,
Falling out in
Fistfuls.
What if I’d left
Each time I wondered
What I was even doing
There in the first place
And at every misinterpreted
Understanding and vain
Attempt to create
Connection
And after the moments
When you fleetingly
Opened
To me –
Only to close
And in your repose
Turn to iron and ice?
Why did I stay?
Why did I fight?
Why did I try?
And why did you
Watch me scramble
To find the parts
Of my soul
You ripped out
Of my clothes
Knowing full well
You would never
Ask me to stay
Or follow me away?
Why didn’t I just
Leave?

You.

You will ask yourself
Who you are
Whilst staring down
Darkened hallways
And peering through
Partially cracked hollow
And hallowed doorways,
Attempting to sort
Light from shadow.
You will strive to
Give label,
Assign meaning,
And extract some reason
From each shadow figure
As if placed there
By God;
And not merely
A trick of
Physics,
Or evolution,
Or the butterfly wing
Discovering its
Usefulness
Whenever the first
Butterfly erupted
From its own destruction.
You will lose yourself
In mazes and hazes
And will listen to
Every wrong direction
Given by every
False
And falsetto
Voice of authority.
You will seek purpose
In each way to every end
And you will question
Every motive,
Even motives
You forgot to have.
You will lose the narrow
Definitions which confine
You;
And in wandering
The cavernous expanse
Of You
You will find no end
And no beginning.
You will find bends and alcoves
Which contain every
Dark and dire
Thing
That you were told
To be afraid of.
You will find the
Evil,
And dread,
And sin,
In every appetite
At every gaping maw
Of every abyss
Bottomless –
You will fall
And you will find
For lack of landing
There is no fall.
You will forget to distinguish
Up from Down.
You will right yourself.
You will rise.
You will find the most
Precious stones,
And blindingly pure light,
And miraculous manifestations
That seem to defy
All known law.
You will discover that
The impossible is
Merely that which
Cannot be labeled
Or fit into narrow
Confines
Within your human mind.
You will attempt to identify
Every hue and shade
Like the box of
Crayons with the special
Sharpener –
Even the glittery ones!
You will travel through
Every type of matter –
Through pure waters
That gently move
Over smooth stone,
Through deep mud
Which bubbles and stinks
Of decay as it
Rises to the surface,
Over craggy cliffs,
And through slippery sand.
You will venture and adventure
And you will never tire
Of the oddities and
Eccentricities
Which comprise the
Kaleidoscopic mosaic
Of you.
You will bend and defy
Order and the structures
Which attempt to
Define your existence
On the planet and your
Expression of being.
You will travel so far
And so fast as to loop
Time and space and
To return to stare
Into your own stunned
And sunkissed face.
You will ask of yourself
Every question; and you
Will investigate every
Doubt and concern;
And you will find
Guises, and places, and uses
For every thing which is
Found within.
And you will cease
To assign roles,
Or rules,
Or to attempt to confine
With narrowly defined
Descriptive language.
You will discover that
All that is you
Is so vast
That you cease
In being anything
At all.
Beginning without end,
End without beginning,
All and nothing.
Your philosophy will
Swell as the highest
Tsunami and will
Smash and thrash against
The breakwaters of your
Consciousness;
And you will cease to
Ponder.
You will grow tired
Of the analysis.
You will be incapable
Of recording, and inventorying,
And accounting for all that
You think and see.
And so you will become
Light.
You will become space.
You will become emptiness.
You will cease in your being.
You will transmute.
Life and all that she has
Birthed
Will pass through you;
Just as you pass through
A beam of light
Streaming through that
Partially opened door
Standing guard,
Defending hallowed halls.
And once you have
Finally discovered the
Significance of
All there is –
About the everything
Of everythingness –
It will all shift,
Turned end over end,
And spilling about;
And there will be new
Everythings contained
Within the sacred
Experience called
You.

Void.

You were a void
That I poured
My love into,
Searching the skies
And cold stone eyes
For some spark
Of return –
Reflection or refraction
Either would do.
“This is going to hurt,”
I screamed from
The corners of my
Mind, swollen
To accommodate
The breadth and length
Of you.
Each parting foretold
The finale
And somehow I knew –
Hold tight
This night will not
Repeat. This retreat,
The end of one dream
Whose nightmarish
Awakening would
Shatter the glass,
Ever turning
Starry eyed and spangles,
As shadow men and their
Ladies dance for
Master and Mistress
Upturning collection plates –
Thirty pieces and
Cold kisses
And your lingering
Betrayal. We’ve folded
Time and shattered space
And damned our filthy
And abominable race –
“This is going to hurt,”
I screamed
At the ghost who
Escaped unscathed.
My world has shattered.
I am changed.
My illusion is broken.
My heart is uncaged.
You were a void –
I burned as a star,
Until consumed by
Gravity and entropy,
I earthward did fall.

Hardheart.

My heart
Has not deviated
Though my
Mind
Cannot see the way,
Through deviant indecisive
Cobwebs strung
O’er the entrances
And stealthy passages
Between ventricles –
The violent tremors
Of which
Like harpstrings
Sing of forgotten
Praise;
And each sunrise
And resetting
My mind sets backwards
In time –
This broken-handed clock
Stuck now for
Nearly three years’
Worth of days.
Evidence neatly piled
In damning stacks
Around us both arranged,
Barring our paths
Obscuring our sights –
And still I sense
Like a tunnel-cloud
From the West
Set upon the bay;
But then again
Perhaps it’s just
My own curiosity –
Do you still set
Deadeyed gaze
Towards my tear
Stained ruddy face?

Warrioress.

War is easy.

Last night I was dreaming I was with a friend at an art show and she made the most amazing magical creations and was setting up her booth. She wanted it to be just perfect. So she asked for a dark booth which meant she had to be careful about the types of lighting that she displayed. The organizers kept coming by and giving her violations for not complying but they could have really just talked to her and she could have worked something out. Instead they brought a fight to a fighter and so of course she fought back. So she’s about to get kicked out and they tell her she has to go do something that’s the equivalent of a snipe hunt. She is fuming and really seeing red. I’m talking to the organizer who is primarily fucking with her and trying to plea her case. I’m explaining how she does everything with her entire heart and all of her love and how she wants everything to be perfect, but when you come in swinging she is the type who will send you out in a body bag. All they had to do was just talk to her. She was looking for this her entire life. She was terrified of something going wrong. She wanted everything to be so perfect. She just wanted to make her display the perfect display of the magic she creates. Her. Not the other people at the show. She’s worked her whole life to get here and to have it be so f-ed up is destroying her. She’s not the one to cry she’s the one to fight back and to keep trying and to find a way.

War is easy.

It’s peace that really fucks people up. When you tell people they are free and no longer need to fight to serve an authority, watch as they turn on each other. People like being told what to do, who to serve, how to behave. They want it simple.

A person who thinks for themselves is complex. They reason things out. They consider the outcome. They wonder if it’s right or not. And a person who thinks for themselves is upsetting for those who follow herds- even minority herds.

When you’re born into this world, your family will have volumes and volumes of unwritten rules for you. Worse yet, when you enter school you’ll find that the rules you learned and the rules of the social setting are somewhat bastardized versions of each other. You look around and see the other kids seem to have no problem adjusting, but you don’t know where to stand or how to look or what to say. It irritates the other kids.

If you were socialized like me, you learn quickly to adapt to the expectations of the adult because the adult is the one to fear.

So now you have a set of rules at home and one at school and as you age you encounter more sophisticated relationships with your peers and in different settings.

If you’re me you learn to blend into cinderblock walls, smoke under the bleachers or in your car during pep rallies, keep peripheral surface friends, and befriend the most broken and alienated invisible kids to learn their secrets of not being seen.

If you’re me you write poetry to the posters on your walls and dream of a life completely different but always “someday”. You form relationships in your mind with hallucinations because those illusory images are realer to you than the corpses animated in the halls of your school.

If you’re me you have a strong mother who maintains strict control with violence and you meet her violence with your own pent rage to defend your younger siblings.

If you’re me you HATE that monster.

If you’re me you are aching to love and be loved and yet you understand so little about other people and the monster carefully caged inside is ready to defend at any moment. You push people away for their safety. You learn to do some damage first with your tongue – you find the chinks in psychological armor and rend. You learn to use words and intellect to play the game of protecting the queen. And you never have just one plan – because plans can be thwarted. Instead you hide, you identify the exits, you use the ability to blend in and make yourself invisible. And if you’re spotted you become the best friend, the funniest person, the most social. You hide in plain sight.

If you’re me you will spend your entire adulthood unlearning the ways of war and learning peace.

You will rewrite the narrative from control, competition, dominance and submission, kill or be killed, winners and losers, defend defend defend, scarcity and sacrifice, and punishment; to freedom, collaboration, cooperation, innovation, creativity, abundance, nurturing, rewarding, cheering.

You will evolve and you will find the world ever more alien than before.

You only want communion and people will accuse you of competing. You will only want celebration and people will accuse you of domination. You will only want freedom and people will accuse you of control.

You will know these problems exist within THEM and you will remember how you fought an unwinnable fight and lost.
You will want to reach inside of them and rearrange things for them so that they can arrive where you are. You will share with them your lightcodes and you will hope to see them rewritten.

But no matter how far you travel from your home, there will still reside inside of you a warrior ready to defend when challenged. There will come a time when you feel cornered. Someone will pose such a grave threat that just as the thing that you’ve wanted your entire life is finally within your grasp, you will unchain the sleeping warrior.

Fear.

The fear of having what you’ve always wanted can be greater than the fear of giving in to the darker parts of ourselves. We think we are fighting back against an enemy – and yes we have enough of our own evidence to make a case that we are – however that war will be our own undoing. We will be swung upon and we will come back swinging but the carnage will not be predictable. We will unleash our inner Kali and we will obliterate the one who we want to love thinking them a participant in the grand plan laid out by our enemy.

We will only see the Shiva too late.

The warrior must learn to master her own anxiety and fear before there can be peace.

The truth is that there are people around us all the time who have their own plans and machinations and not all of them want the best for us. There are “enemies” hiding in every bush. But we have mastered those snares and traps they lay for us. They do no harm. We walk over bear traps as easily as we walk over grass.

There is indeed something specific and special about the foe who is effective. They play on specific insecurities for a reason. They show us the things that we’d rather not look at. They emerge from and play in our own shadows and that is why they can get to us. And they use our fears against us.

Fear creates shadow puppets that appear real. It creates the illusion of enemies all around us.

And the awakened person who is afraid can become a greater danger than those still sleepwalking. They question everything and then question themselves. Their instincts are somewhere between war and peace and are unpredictable. They recognize no authority and thus act without concern for rules or tradition. They are simply fighting – at first to protect – and then ultimately for the thrill of the fight.

At the conclusion, it doesn’t matter which shades were real and which were fear-manufactured if all is lost. All that matters is the loss. There are some wounds that will not heal from words or time. And if the one who was wounded has learned anything, they will make their own choices and they will choose their own freedom – even if they too were committed to misunderstanding.

Whether anyone else ever sees or knows the truth as recorded by the eyes of the warrior makes no difference. What matters is the actions that others witnessed as innocent bystanders.

I wanted friendship and love. I wanted acceptance and communion. I wanted freedom and full self expression. I wanted an evolved and peaceful relationship outside of the narrative created for us by social structures.

And just as I was enjoying having everything I wanted – I allowed my fear to unchain the inner animal.

I did this to myself.

But just as anything else I did in vain, I myself have taken accounts and I have been responsible, and I have tried to make amends.

I only wanted to have a place to display my magick and watch the gleam in others’ eyes as they appreciated it. The enemy may have been real, and the threat may have been immanent. But my training in peace was surrendered to reflexes of war. The peace was broken as the world spiraled into madness. I released my inner pandora’s box and the world is now burning. The rage carefully held inside of me for 41 years was unleashed. And I made sure that the one who I wanted to love the most was consumed by it.

I’ve never gone backwards. I’ve never wanted a thing once its time has expired. I’ve always kept moving and evolving and learning. But then I’ve never destroyed an innocent before. Yes, there were some mistakes made. But not ill-intended and not with a motive to do harm.

I went back to beg for forgiveness.

But I’m not fond of begging.

I was sent away.

To me, I made impossible choices and did the only thing I knew how to do. To them – I’m more monstrous than I am to myself. I spoke up for myself. I regained my voice. The world I created on the inside and protected from others was now spilled out around me. I was open and unhindered by the rules of the social structures I’d been forced into. I could and would say whatever I wanted to, fuck the consequences.

But just as my voice has returned, a voice has returned to the world. And its message is ugly and filled with fear and hatred. Corruption has seeped into every holy place. Misteachings abound. The world is awakening but the warrior spirit rages. Wrongdoings in every facet are coming to the fore and those who have been harmed seethe for vengeance.

War is easy. Peace is really fucking hard.

What is it that you REALLY want here? How much revenge will reset the balance? Whose blood do you need to taste?

What martyr will be big enough to quell the human monster?

The world is not so alien anymore. And that’s the trouble.

The world is an echo of my own personal rage – the darkest parts of myself that I want no one to see. Those committed to misunderstanding. Those whose machinations are so glaringly obvious – yet successful! To see the cogs as they whir and to see how easy it could be to destroy the entire works – and yet understand why each piece and part is essential to where we are going.

The devastation that must happen before there can be new growth.

Watching from the eagle’s roost is one of the loneliest hells that exist on this plane.

We can get there from here – but we may not like the cost.

The warrior must master fear. The warrior must be discriminating and wise with her weapons. The warrior must wait and watch. The warrior must not submit to the program of war, for the program of peace is what really matters now. When the enemy comes in swinging, the master must be master of herself first. She must choose to disarm her foe with the gifts she so proudly exhibits. She must use charm and wonder and humor and grace and arrive at a creative conclusion.

And the warrior must accept that they will never understand her fully. She must continue unencumbered by their opinions of her.

And she must accept her greatest loss as her greatest teacher and must learn to protect the things and people who she loves the most instead of destroying them out of the need to protect herself.

When she has mastered this next level of skill, she will have access to both the light and the dark and she will then create something which has never been seen by human eyes – the heaven on earth to rival Atlantis, Alexandria, and Enoch. Peace will indeed reign and ripple through the world. And her Beloved will return to her – no matter the distance.

Like all parables, this is part paradox, part fantasy, woven with a thread of truth.

Phantom.

I looked for you
On his lips
In his eyes
On his tongue.
I dreamt of you –
Still telling me
When to do
What you wanted
Me to do –
While he played
A sad understudy
Version of you.
I stared up
At him open-eyed,
Hazy-eyed,
Glazed over like
Fresh sweat
You baptized us
With.
I screamed at him
For his failure
To be you as
My body rolled
With explosive
Vengeful
Pleasure.
A stand in –
A stoop in –
A step in –
A sad replica
Of paper mache
Memories
Already dissolving
In the pool
I left for
Myself to
Take care of later.
And when he’s done
I’ll look for you
In another.

Helped.

I awoke from
A dream
Of continuity.
We were still
Entwined and I begged
(Like I often did)
To remain
Close to you.
You were closed
To me –
Like you often were.
I loved with
The fires of
Freya –
And you were
Cold stone
Walls and indigo
Ichor –
Stomach churning anxiety
And emptiness.
You were my
Favorite addiction –
The spike I drove
Into my own side
Willingly.
I would have done
Anything for those
Rare glimpses
Into your personal
Abyss,
Which you hoarded
And guarded;
And I tortured myself
Always wondering
Why you protected
It from me –
What flaw did you
Imagine
Was so dangerous?
I begged.
You retreated.
And so I left you –
Like I often did –
Because my own
Cold bed
Was more comforting
Than a man made
From stone with
Walls of iron
Reminding me I’d
Never be enough
Of anything
To share his
World with openness.
I asked.
Help arrived.
From the unlikeliest
Of places –
Just as it often does.

Help.

You need help
Is something they
Love to say
When they feel
Helpless –
When they want
An excuse
To justify
Why they refuse to
Be helpful.
And if I went
To you today
And pled my case
Would you find
Yourself helpful?
Or are you still
Betwitched by
Psychotic self interested
Monsters
Still clawing at
Your better
Intentions.
You called yourself
A friend –
And like any
False friend
You were silent
When you should
Have been
Helpful.
How do you
Enter a person’s
Body
And withdraw
As the world
Crumbles
Into madness?
And while the
Evidence piled
Against you,
Why do I still
Reach out
When I need
Help?
Help.

Pretend.

We pretend
That the human
Animal
Is not so
Animal –
More civil
More Godly
More intellect;
We pretend
That the human
Heart
Is not so
Hearty –
Not made to be
Opened,
Not meant to ever
Beat outside
It’s careful cage
Of controlled rage
And Love
Which rages
Like anything else
Animal.
We pretend
That our
Choices
Matter –
That we have
A say,
That we may
Shape from this
Earthly sludge
From whence we still
Crawl,
Anything of
Significance.
We pretend
Hoping
That if we pretend
Hard enough
The bedtime
Stories
We soothe ourselves
With between the
Hours that span
Between 11′ and 12′,
Will somehow
Spring to life
In a waking life
We pretend to
Fill with dreams
Whilst waiting
For some
Thing
That
Matters.

31 Wishes.

1. I wish for you LOVE – the kind that swallows all sorrows and pain;
2. I wish for you JOY – the kind that is lasting and tangible;
3. I wish for you BELONGING – the kind that makes everywhere feel like home;
4. I wish for you FULFILLMENT – the kind that feels like smiling on the inside;
5. I wish for you ABUNDANCE – in the non physical as well as physical dimensions of life;
6. I wish for you HEALTH – mental emotional spiritual physical and psychic;
7. I wish for you CREATIVITY – for creation is the flex of the gods;
8. I wish for you WISDOM – that cuts through the cacophony of today’s information overload;
9. I wish for you CURIOSITY – may life always present you with magic;
10. I wish for you STRENGTH – the gentle strength of the master who has mastered himself;
11. I wish for you COURAGE – the unfaltering faith in yourself and your abilities;
12. I wish for you ENDURANCE – may your journey be gentle and may your path be easy;
13. I wish for you LUCK – may you ever be protected from the evil eyes of a jealous world;
14. I wish for you INSIGHT – may you see things as they are and may all hidden plots be revealed before you;
15. I wish for you FUN – the lasting simple joys in life that make each day like honey;
16. I wish for you CONNECTION – may you feel tethered to the earth and to your chosen people;
17. I wish for you TENACITY – may you always recover quickly;
18. I wish for you PASSION – may you taste the highest highs this world has to offer;
19. I wish for you LONGEVITY – may you continue in chosen pursuits;
20. I wish for you LEVITY – may you take life’s challenges as simply bumps in the road;
21. I wish for you INNOVATION – may you continue to create new and fun scenarios from every situation;
22. I wish for you ADVENTURE – the kind that amuses and brings expansion and happiness;
23. I wish for you LOYALTY – may you find that lasting and committed exchange in whatever way you desire;
24. I wish for you HELP – when it matters, when it’s needed, when you feel overwhelmed – may aid always appear by your side;
25. I wish for you HONESTY – may the truth always come into the light for yourself and others;
26. I wish for you DIRECTION – may your course be certain and your path be clear;
27. I wish for you INTELLIGENCE – may you ever have access to the answers that you seek;
28. I wish for you STEWARDSHIP – may you master all of life’s energies and resources;
29. I wish for you COMMAND – may you lead yourself and others to greatness;
30. I wish for you ALL of your dreams come true. May you receive the things you desire.
31. I wish I could deliver these wishes to you and to watch as they are fulfilled as they will be as you desire.
And so it is.

Kaleidoscopes and Mixedtapes.

Memories are kaleidoscopic –
Turn the glass
And the entire world
Is turned on end;
Tumbled over,
Jumbled over –
Time retools and reshapes.
Time is a mixedtape
Stuck in my ’92 Tempo;
Brown ribbons spew
Like spaghetti
And we’re surprised when
The winding back
Makes sense of the senseless.
Some mixedtapes
Will never
Disentangle.
Some kaleidoscope’s
Blurry edges
Will never
Focus.
The neon sign
Tattooed across my
Aura reads
“OPEN” –
It is instructional
And descriptive.
In that moment when what
Was real was birthed
Between carefully controlled
And overthought thinking,
And the sloppiness
Of it all was
Exquisite:
Imperfect Perfection –
Like tangled
Mixedtapes
And unfocused
Kaleidoscopes;
While the good little
Boys and girls
With painted faces
And painted bodies
Somberly trudged
To the funeral dirge
Playing on repeat
Beneath the mixedtape
Tracks –
While they sleepwalked,
And sleeptalked,
And sleepfucked –
And sold themselves for
Something a little stronger
Than heroin –
There was nothing
Hidden to decipher.
Chaos’s trickster
Birthed this world
Like her finest web
And chaos’s trickster
Remains the guardian
Of the fates –
Guardian of stories –
Guardian at gates
And portals –
Guardian of
Kaleidoscopes and
Mixedtapes.
Garbled songs,
Garbled pictures –
Sliding in and out
Of focus;
All was madness
From the start,
And sorting the
Insanity by group
And type,
And labeling the
Intangible;
The indecipherable;
The deeply personal –
In order to bring some focus
From the kaleidoscope glass –
Is lunacy
By prescription.
Turn the glass,
Enjoy the view,
But to the spider
And the fly
Kaleidoscopes and mixedtapes
Are merely child’s
Amusements and blind
Metaphors.
Choose your story
And pick an ending
And enjoy the view
As the world turns
And burns
And sleeping children
Gnaw at sticky webbing
And cut the bridge threads
And learn that
“OPEN”
Can also mean
“See”.

That One.

That girl talking
To herself
In a room full of strangers
Making strange faces
Because she must not
See herself the way she should
See herself.
That girl walking
Into empty rooms
Somehow never alone,
The company she keeps
Is always by herself,
Yet always on display
As if followed by a crowd
Of other selves: self-directed
Automatons.
That girl thinking –
Always thinking –
The endless chatter
Relentless as time
Shattering any intrusion,
Her subject may always
Change on a dime,
And she’s never really listening
To things she rathern’t hear.
That girl singing
Songs she doesn’t really know,
Words she forgot to remember,
She talks to the chairs
She stumbles into
As if she likes them more
Than other people
Because a chair never let her down
Unlike all the other people
Talking to themselves
Always on display
Absorbed by their own chatter
Enthralled by their own singing.
That girl waiting
For something that may never come,
Something she invented,
Something none will ever fully
Measure up to
Even though no actual boundaries
Do define or confine
What she imagines will be;
Amorphous blob of
Self-predictive pleasure
Failing to exist outside of
Her expansive imagination
Like all others who failed
And fell
Before her
Still clinging to hope
Like a single rose
Or half-drawn sword.
That girl choosing
To cohabitate with a daydream
Rather than settle for
Paper soldiers and
Meaningless words carried
On the backs of her children.
That girl holding
Herself and all of her dreams
And nightmares
Close like her favorite stuffies
Long fallen on the floor
Of childhood’s bedroom,
Where parents preparing to die
Before her life would begin,
Protectively snoring across the hall,
Slept on.
That one.

Hope.

Sometimes hope
Is a cruel joke
Like names scrawled
Inside the adjacent
Bathroom stall.
Sometimes hope
Is a massive iron
Argonaut standing
Futilely watchful,
Lifeless, cold, and tall.
Sometimes hope
Is tippy toe
Fingertip touching
Brushing bare edges
Just beyond reach,
Straining to
Break surface tension
Just enough for release.
Sometimes hope
Is your best friend’s
Birthday and all
The best wishes
And gifts freely given
But never to you.
Sometimes hope
Is chasing rainbows
Through valleys
Down water falls;
And finding out
Too late the
Secrets of illusion:
That light never ends.
Sometimes hope
Is the desert Oasis,
The voyager’s siren,
Don Quixote’s windmill,
A child’s fairy story,
Religion’s promise of heaven:
Painting daisies in dungeons
Disguising paradise for hell.
Sometimes hope
Mocks us as we lie awake
Hoping that someday
We’ll have learned
To outsmart the
Tricksters, cheat
Anubis, and share a smoke
With Cerberus before
The universe’s final
Lusty exhale.

Down by the sea.

You bring the bucket
I’ll bring the plans
Let’s build this castle
Down by the sea.
You bring your strength
I’ll get a tan
While we build
This castle
Down by the sea.
You play some music
I’ll hum along
While we build together
A castle so grand
Down by the sea.
I’ll pack a lunch
And you spread the blanket
In our castle’s back yard
Down by the sea.
We’ll find an old boat
And with sealing wax and
Carpet tacks like fairy tale
Dragons bring her to life
Down by the sea.
We’ll watch the sun set
Just to see it rise again
Over gentle currents
Down by the sea.
Seasons may turn
As earth continuously turns
And gentle waves churn
Round our steady castle
Down by the sea.

Anti-love

I called people out on their shit when I thought that was love.

I refused to accept people as they are when I thought that was love.

I had expectations about what another person was supposed to do for me when I believed that was love.

I held resentment and called it being the bigger person when I believed that was love.

I punished with silence instead of fighting when I thought that was love.

I withdrew out of a need to protect and out of anger when I was disappointed when I thought that was love.

I sought escape versus confronting my feelings when I thought that was love.

I worked my ass off at making money and a home instead of a relationship when I thought that was love.

I held myself in to protect others from me when I believed that was love.

I was always doing what I thought love was untill I learned that these things are what love is not.

Independence Day.

4th of July
Independence day.
You and me at my place.
We ordered food
And watched YouTube
On autoplay.
We talked and
I got high and
We had a few drinks
And broke my couch
(It was already broken)
And you asked me
What I wanted.
So I told you
About open eyes
Meditation
And breaking the glass
And opening the
Third eye
And the proper way
To do penance
On Maha Shivaratri.
But I think now
You meant something
More immediate
Than ascension.
I told you
About the
Kundalini snakes
And how I had to
Google it when
It happened because
I’d never even heard
Of it before.
You showed me
The music video
You were so proud
Of and I felt
As if anything
Were possible.
It is possible.
I didn’t imagine
On that day
How much I wanted
Less independence,
More like other people,
And how I’d end up
Doing it alone.
It’s bittersweet.
Getting what I
Wanted but
Giving up what
I never expect
To want so much.
Giving up
Meat and sex
Were easier
Than giving up on
The idea that you’d
Ever find your way
Back.
Independent of anything
I’d ever ask you for –
Independently choosing
Because you’d felt the
Same all along.

New Earth.

Draw your brush
Across my page
And let us now
Create,
Landscapes
And seascapes
And farscapes.
Let us paint
Bridges spanning the
Gap between
Two souls severed
By heartbeats,
Beating in primal
Cages,
Unfettered by mortal
Conditions,
And seeking past
Present and future
Tense to build
New monumental construction,
Cut clear through
All confusion
And produce new
Previously unimagined
Unsullied, unashamed,
Undisgraced, and unbroken
Wholesale wholeness for all
Earth’s children.
Free love given.
Free to share.
Free to have.
Free to hold
Free to catch and release
This piscean formation.
Fiercely focus on
Expansion.
Leave the machine
To it’s machinations.
It will sputter
As gears cease grinding.
Curious children
Drawn to the freedoms
And celebration
Abandon the old
Untruths and mental
Slavery –
Unbridle themselves
From unrighteous dominion.
We attract –
We find revolt
Revolting.
Revolution requires
True independent thinking.
We seek to build
While the earth is
Destroyed by old
Paradigms set by the
Greedy.
We reject being
Needy.
We see to our own
And build
Solidly.
How firm a foundation –
With no absolute authority.
Love be our religion
And peace be our
Reade and leave each
To his own house as
We build a new
Empire.
A heaven on earth.
And so it is
So let it now be.

New AGE.

The bay dances
Beneath baby blue skies
Like an evening gown
Draped over voluminous
Graceful feminine magnificence,
Beguling and wise.
Her sinuous swaying
Rhythmic waltz between
Coasts;
Sapphire gown of fine
Satin, hand-beading,
Or diamonds glistening
In the shallows
Bobbing shoreward;
Playfully teasing
Earth’s children
On the sand.
Human eyes record
Frequencies no
Camera will capture,
No words will describe.
Northeastern winds run
Gentle fingers over
Winter flesh warming
Under late springtime sun.
The air sings a
Playful tune full
Of promise and curious
Rhyme.
The sand below
Pulses some ancient
Celebratory stomp
Evoking deep Magicks
And Eldritch grace.
Olden stories fade away
As children turn to
Better ways.
Parents long gone
Have taken with them
Illusions of authority.
New leadership emerges
New earth
New landscapes.
New evolution turns
The wheel in
New directions and
New dimensions form
New invention
New possibility create.

Foundations.

I collect my
Feelings
Like my favorite
Bling
(The ones with all
The crystals.)
They’re mine to
Hold or to let
Go of,
In my time,
In my way,
As I design.
Like everything else
Taken from me,
I treasure my
Rainbow of emotion.
The anger I was
Denied,
The envy I was
Ashamed of,
The sadness I was
Told wasn’t very
Positive;
I collect them
Like stones
And feel each
Smooth and rigid
Edge;
And when I
Choose to be
Done with them
I scatter
Them along my
Path
Like a cobbled
Pathway
Leading me home.
I don’t throw
Them at anyone else,
And they aren’t
Bargaining chips to
Cheat with,
I’m proud of my
Sensitive soul,
For only I know
The growth
It’s taken
To heal to here.
You’re not meant
To change or to
Fix me,
Don’t try to
Love my emotions away,
Just stand here
In silence
Beside me,
And you’ll see
There’s no need
For blame.
It’s not about
Fault or pointing
Fingers,
It’s not about
Re-wounding the wound;
It’s about
Autonomy and freedom,
And having faith
In grown folks
Abilities
To mend themselves
On their own.
An ounce of patience
And a dash of compassion –
Careful not to pity –
And gently stirred
In full-bodied
Embraces,
Moment by moment
The realest of
Real things
Develops and deepens,
And solid foundations
Take shape on
Their own.

Your World Is Ready.

Your world is ready
And it’s miraculous
And easy.
Don’t worry
Just breathe
And allow life
To be breezy.
Your world is ready
And it’s full of
Possibility.
Don’t hold onto
Past lessons
They’re already
Behind you.
Your world is ready
And it’s coming
Up daisies.
Seeds scattered in
Love and choosing,
Watered and
Blooming.
Your world is ready
And you’re your own
Dorothy
Swept up into a gale
And speeding to
Infinity.
You’ve already met
Your wizard and you
Know the other folks,
And they stand
At your ready
When your heels
Together click click click.
Your world is ready
And an adventure
Is brewing.
It’s custom
Made by you
And your soul’s
Divine knowing.
Your world is ready
And it’s filled
Up to the top with
Opportunities for loving.
Keep a ready eye
On the skies
Filled with rainbows
And pot-of-gold endings.
Your world is ready.
And so are you.
Just breathe.
You always already
Knew exactly just
What to do.
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Giving Up.

It feels like betrayal
To finally say goodbye
To the beautiful moments
And the happier times.
It feels like cheating
To give up on half-realized
Promises, and half-created
Palaces, and half-made
Measures, and half-lived
Dreams.
It feels like defeat
To admit it’s just
Been too much,
Too heavy,
Unhealthy,
Hearts breaking in half.
It goes against
Everything fairytale-taught,
To not be ready, willing,
Eternally waiting
For what wasn’t really
Meant and made for me.
It feels like giving up.
It feels like a loss.
It feels like saying goodbye
To possibility and hope.
Flies buzzing ’round
The rot
Flew off long ago,
And I sit in this
Boneyard
Heavy with yesterday’s
Mem’ries silhouetted
In shadows playing
On repeat.
It may just be
A flick of the flame,
A trick of the eyes,
Or maybe more lies
I’ve told myself
Just to cope.
The lingering stench
Of sweat and tears
And the ever-present
Self flagellation of
Guilt and remorse –
Have ceased being
Sexy and are
Just plain sad.
That world over there
Filled with miracles
Unceasing,
Has already proven
It’s seeking
Me just as assuredly
As I seek for my freedom
From the self imposed
Prison
Of yesterdays
And all the ways
I tell myself I
Coulda shoulda woulda.
So today,
I breathe and release
With eyes kept forward
Onto the horizon
And allow life
To move me swiftly
Out of yesterday’s cage
And into
The joy I’m choosing
Even if I can’t
Yet feel it.

Not Sorry.

I’m not sorry
For keeping so much
Inside,
I’m only sorry
I never felt
Safe enough to
Share.
I’m not sorry
I feel too darkly – too
Deeply,
I’m only sorry
I never felt
Free enough to
Speak.
I’m not sorry
I want the
Fantasy,
I’m only sorry
I never felt
Worthy.
I’m not sorry
I am so human,
I’m only sorry
I never felt
Held enough to be
Vulnerable.
I’m not sorry
For all the ways
I tried to be
What everyone else
Asked for,
I’m only sorry
I never made myself
Important enough to ask
For what I wanted.

Full Credit.

You provided the tools
But I did the building.
You provided the ruler
But I did the growing.
You provided the wound
But I did the healing.
You provided the access
But I took the opportunity.
You provided a story
But I did the telling.
You provided a lesson
But I did the learning.
You provided destruction
I did the rebuilding.
You provided hope
I did the faith-walk.
You provided a means
I did the measuring.
You provided possibility
I did the choosing.
You provided an idea
I did the creating.
You provided a direction
I did the exploring.
You provided the contact
I made the magic.
You provided the vessel
I did the summoning.
You provided the faith
I did the believing.
You provided the intensity
I did the intending.
You provided a mirror
I mistook me for you.

Half-Done.

I dared to love you
And that was my sin
My treasonous act
Of selfish desiring
To keep each moment
Like a random stone
Polished on the shore.
I wanted you fully
Not to see you
Thrive
But to see you
Continue to be my
Only stability –
Carry out my insanity –
Compartmentalized consistency
Always just out of
Fingertips grasp.
And to you it was
Nothing while I held
On by two frayed
Heart strings
And you and she
Mocked me –
The one person who
Could harm me –
Because you had to
Do harm.
You had to prove
That you were
Just like the rest
But worse.
You had to undo
What was only
Half-done at best.

Temporary MEASURES.

If you hadn’t
Broken my heart
I’d have never
Found my voice.
If you’d never have
Held my head
While dizzy-frenzied
Spinning,
You’d never have
Held my heart.
If you’d never
Brought me to
High-heady heights,
I’d never have
Returned so many
Beautiful times.
If you’d never
Pretended to care,
You’d never have
Meant enough to
See the job through.
If you’d never mattered
You’d have never battered
Down the iron bars
Which held me firm.
If you’d been just
Another faceless name,
I’d never have been freed
From the past’s
Icy grip.
If you had been here,
I’d never have healed;
You’d have held me
And I’d never have
Learned to hold
Myself.
If you had been
Here, I’dve continuously
Bled as the wound
Reopen; while distraction
And intoxicated confusion
Tear at my trauma
Masquerading as love.
You were a safe place
To hide, while the
World turned, funnel-cloud
And frenzied
And toppled us on our
Other side.
We walked outside
To survey the wreckage
Only to find
It would not have
Survived
Life’s storms.
What is the measure
Of a temporary
Retreat from the
Troubles we both
Carried?
It was sacred and
Full of holes
And incompleteness
Left us wanting
What is no longer
Wantable, no longer
Attainable, no longer
Holy.
Head and heart
In such disagreement
About what was never
Agreed to – it was
Only the temporary
Measure.
You’re unfeeling-free
And I await
Permanence while
These loosely knotted
Bindings flutter
Behind me like wings
And I feel transformed;
But really I am
My birthself, my
Trueself, my
Authenticself, my
Non-Temporary soulself.
Will I morph again
Before finding the
Measure of another
Like me?

Gentle War.

Bring me my
Brave and gentle warriors,
Those whose lines drawn
In sand and on sidewalks
Say “I will never
Do what’s been done to me
To any woman or man.”
Gather generals and soldiers
Whose only weapons
Are love that flows with
Ferocity,
Breaking through the cacophony
And bringing peace to the
Fight.
Gather my tender lovers
Whose merrymaking and laughter
Echo with atomic
Orgasmic intoxication
And shatter the darkest
Of nights.
Bring your weapons of
Hope and your lights,
Like nuclear vivacity
Piercing the veil of
Hopelessness and plight.
Gather ye wizards
And sorceresses,
Bring your calculations
And divinations and
Iron willpower to
Silence the fight.
Rearrange this inhuman anatomy
From her preprogrammed
Self infliction of implosive
Corruption and disease.
In this world
Such as it is,
Your stillness makes you
Super powered, and
Your self mastery makes you
Immune to the maelstrom.
You stand in your own
Power,
In the world but not
Plugged into the illusion
Of wrong versus wrong.
You have heard the echoes
Of madness,
And bravely choose to
Stand in what’s upright.
It’s not about temporary
Pleasure,
It’s not a shallow
Victory or hollow win,
It’s tranquility that’s
Real and everlasting
For all –
Not just you –
Who suffer when
Injustice is rewarded
And those who act
Nobly are attacked
By the blind.
Know you’re giants,
Gods and Goddesses,
Standing firm,
Gentle,
Peaceful,
And virtuous.
See what’s going on
Behind the curtain
And use your most
Keen weapon –
Authentic choice
Self responsible
Self accountable
And bold refusal
To perpetuate the
Cycles of destruction.
This feud ends
Here and now
With us
As we stand firm
Holding the light.

BIG.

You think you know
Me because you see
How I look
And how I walk
And how I move –
But I guarantee
I’m bigger than that.
You think you know
Me because you know
A few of my opinions
And you’ve seen my
Current habitual patterns
And you detected a
Quirk or two –
But I promise you
I’m bigger than that.
You think you know me
Because of that one time
We got into a fight
I said something that
Sounded like the truth
That I’d been trying
To hide –
But I fully endorse:
I’m bigger than that.
You think you know me
Because you’ve seen me
Laugh and you’ve
Seen me sick
And you’ve seen me high
And low and in distress –
But I must impress
I’m bigger than that.
You think you know me
Because of my gender
Or race
Or culture
Or social status
Or job
Or education
Or the way I answer
Questions on a test –
But I will assure you
As I’ve reassured the rest:
I’m so very much
Bigger than that.
Profiling me according
To a human checklist
Will fail,
Diagnosing my
Mental wellness will
Not avail
You with an iota of
Understanding until
You are ready to get:
I’m bigger than all of it.
My soul is the universe and
It flows through
Me as me and also through you;
I’m the same as that
Tree and flower
And the birds and the bees
And I’m as free as water
Carving out new landscapes
Returning love to
The seas.
I’m free as sunshine and
Moonshine and the light
From a flame.
And there’s nothing
Defining or distinct or
Hierarchical
Or special or different –
It’s uniquely the same.
I’m a glimpse of the light
As it reflects from
Your eyes
And I refract
And bend and appear
Disguised
In this human suit
Perfect for me
And the pleasures I seek.
You will see what you
Choose and ignore the rest
And I’ll let you
Because I know you will
Discover the same
When put to the test –
In my bigness you will
Discover the enormity
Of you.

Humble.

The innocent man
Isn’t who you
Believe.
He’s done wrong things
And taken responsibility for
Every one of them.
His intentions are pure
He’s just enjoying himself.
He never wanted to
Hurt anyone.
He’s humble
And doesn’t try to
Prove anything
In fact you
Might think him
Quite weak
But his strength
Is carried
In silence.
It’s not that
He claims stupidity
Wisdom is simple
And he’s observant
And measures
Each movement carefully.
Cut one time.

Stay.

Those who would say
You’re so hard to love
Don’t really see you
And don’t understand
Love.
You’re freely given
Wild and deep with
The same fire that
Reminds them that
Nothing forever does
Keep.
You’re honest
And have no room
For hidden agenda
Nor secrets so deep
Your insides are too
Filled by
Cascading,
Colliding,
Coalescing,
Sacred geometry.
You don’t care about
Temporary pleasures
Vanity treasures
Or rumors or
Unwanted opinions
Of others.
You know what’s not
Been working,
You’re clear about
What you want
And anything less
Is unsettling
At best.
You’ve mastered
Yourself
Within as without –
Your autonomy you keep
Refusing to allow
Another to seize from you
Your God-given duties
To choice
And a voice;
No trading blame
Nor taking responsibility
For someone else’s
Action or emotional
Rebounds.
You’re wise and
Test for truth
And if shit hits the fan
You’re never far from
Your walking shoes.
It’s alright,
Sit back,
Enjoy this moment
In silence or not –
Whichever you want –
You’re free to go
Whenever you choose.
(Although,
And I’m not ashamed
To admit –
I rather hope
You’ll stay.)

Significance.

We sat on top of
The popup camper
Parked in my
Parents driveway –
Playing pretend
Like it was a horse
And buggy
And I was your country wife
And you were a cowboy
And you fought off the Indians.
(Sorry, we didn’t know any better.)
Your blonde hair
Sparkled like sunlight
Flowing from the
Top of your head
And I watched it
Completely mesmerized.
I’d never met a boy
Who I would describe
As beautiful
Before I remembered you.
How did you get there
And why do you only
Exist in a few
Memories – and where
Did you go off to
And did you ever
Rescue anyone else
From wild Indians?
(Sorry again!
I hope the Indians won.
Did I tell you
I’m Cherokee?)
Were you ever there
At all or did I
Just dream you?
Like every other time
Someone’s come along
Out of the blue
Just in the nick of time
And disappeared
Back into obscurity.
The explanation is probably
Quite simply
I’m just misremembering
But it doesn’t
Feel like it to me –
Feels like it ought to be
Something significant.

Seed.

How deep the earth
And dark the soil
Wherein this seed
Does grow.
How long awaiting,
Germinating,
Potential energy
Redoubling intensity;
Refined;
Purified;
Forgotten like some
Misplaced treasure
And buried ‘neath
Life’s rubble
And winter snow.
Ancient roots uncoil,
Unbound by bindings
Most mortals know.
Infant rhizomes
Regrow anew.
Verdant shoots,
Crimson blossoms,
Ascend up and out
Like vibrant plumes –
Radiating primordial glow.
Seed,
Planted and forgotten
Many seasons,
Choked out by
Shallow enterprise.
New depths plunged
And uncover
That which was
Waiting to be
Rediscovered;
What was promised
From the beginning,
New bountiful experience
Springs to life.

Repass.

Darkness recedes as
Light enters slits –
Heavy-lidded opening –
And all is peace
For one moment.
There is no suffering
Nor pain as all is
Disconnected wholly
From fleshy receptors.
My bones are great
Limbs of some
Ancient tree and
Divorced from consciousness
As I reside somewhere
Outside of myself –
Miraculously.
For a few blissful
Moments I am unaware
That I am –
Merely some wisp
Already entombed
And not yet birthed –
Suspended in possibility.
Pain is no longer pain,
But great bolts of
Sharpness:
Darkness –
Like black boulders
Lodged in spaces
Where energy should flow.
By grace
I slip back
Into the void
And my light
And your light
Dance together
Outside of the limits
Of time and space
As we plot our rebirth.
We are close now –
It’s almost done.
The world will grieve
And we will be free.

Crowned.

This heaviness in gaia’s
Pelvis
As this new child
Of heaven and earth
Crowns;
And old stories
Emerge
To foreshadow
Past foreboding,
Hoping to control
And to give shape
To formless
Becoming
Form.
We taste the light
Like honey,
And walk in sway
To that angelic tune
And keeping pace
With the unheard.
We’re not pretending –
Though you would
Never believe
Reality as it
Occurs
Within us.
We see through
The unseen,
And undo the undone,
And watch the
Undertow as chaos
Bend and flow
Into something
Predictable-akin.
Our doing
Is simply being,
As purpose
Flows
Through us
As you.
We experience
That which only
Those ancients and others
May decipher
As future forgotten
Truth.
Release the grip of the past,
That old uncertain path.
Let go of what was
Before;
For we never shall
Need her again.
Children dream
Of new creation,
And masses cry
Enmasse
For relief.
We can touch
And taste and
Sense it,
Though quite out
Of sight and
Far from belief.
Forget what was
If it’s truly unwanted.
Let go if
Expired is the need.
Put away
This bridegroom’s
Fair garment,
Twas rent in twain
Under false pretense.
We carry our codes in our skins,
And each combination
Part and piece of the whole.
Wheat falls to the
Priestess’s storehouse,
As chaff scatters
Away in dark winds.

True Beauty.

I was a goddess
Before I
Tweezed plucked and shaved,
And moisturized.
I was perfect
Before I
Starved sweated and crammed
My curves into this
Binding of cloth
With some false idol
Ideal of perfection
Designed.
I was beautiful
Before I
Covered my beauty with paste
And shaded over
My laughter and
Hid wisdom lines.
I was exquisite
Before I
Tamed wild locks into
Well behaved mane,
Gathered like good little
Girls spilling
Over white shoulders
Held back and high.
I was already
Enough
In my too much for you,
And too much
For women
Whose power hides
Behind thier puppet master
Or self-made mask –
The gender disguise.
I was already
Goddess incarnate
Walking barefooted
With unpainted toes
In unperfumed flesh
Gathering specks
Of Gaia beneath bent grasses
Upon my path
Of meandering lines.
This vessel is
Merely focus
For the flow which
Never ends
Has never begun
And will never cease –
And you focus on
The vessel
Ignoring the divine
Which pretends
To dwell inside.
You will never
Have her
Though you may try.
Because what you
Seek is only
Thin-Veiled
Thin-skinned
Thin-depth
Disguise.

Division.

We tell stories
Of theys and thems
But “not me”,
And divide into
Sheep and asleep:
Others and outsiders.
We pretend we’re
A separate kind
And not takers
From the common
Provision and plan.
We walk in
Our hubris lock steps,
And thumb our noses
At the masses
Amassing outside
Babylon’s picket fences.
We march as legion
Pretending allegiance
To higher virtue
And nobler
(Even off-planet)
Law.
We invent new
Labels to label
Our labels by,
And place ourselves
Above our fellows
By standards invented
To displace blame.
We make up stories
Of supernatural
Superpowerful
And sovereign
Graces,
Which place us on
Platforms built
By spiritual egoic
Cloudforms in chloroform –
Pretending to live
In other dimensions,
To ignore what’s been
Agreed to and done
By all of the
“Not me’s”
Scattering like fleas
Thirsting for a
Dog with new tricks.
From whence is your
Savior come due?
Do you imagine
You will be alone
In that boat
Being towed on
Hallucinogenic seas?
Do you imagine
Yourself
Pure and safe
In your rebellion
From the insanity
Of the sane?
How long since
You listened to
Your brother?
Acknowledge we’re
In the same ship,
Hurling through the
Abyss around
The same hurdles,
Which we place
In our own pathways
In our resistance;
Our attachment
To persistence,
Though we recognize
The old ways
Left over
From old days,
Brought us to this
Gloomy place.
Denial of what is
Will not save us.
Nor will doomsday
“Light the bitch up”
Drunken nihilists
Enjoying their own wake
Before death claims
His due.
Blindly begging on
Bended knee
While expecting
Some authority to
Deliver –
How many divisions
Can be counted
While those who
Profit are counting
On long-division
Exponentially
Producing
More and the same.
Look to old
Dead prophets
Dust and ash
Spewing forth
From thier graves.
Unheeded omen
Ring hollow,
Devolved humanity’s
Voice
Ring true.
There are no
Others,
Your mirror be
Broken;
But the projection
Remains –
One body,
One soul,
One You!

Apart.

If we’d chosen it
We could have held each other
As the world descended
Into madness;
We could have
Made sense of
The senseless –
Simply sensing what
Our own bodies,
And hearts,
And minds,
And souls,
Breathed between us.
We could have –
If we’d only chosen –
Written our own
Reality
Independent of any
Need for the
Simulated stories
And hearsays,
Claiming as proof
That which the
Sounds of our
Own heartbeats
Proved to us.
If we’d only chosen,
We could have
Made shelter in
Brambles and thickets
And bathed in warm pools
And foraged for sustenance,
Even just for
An afternoon
Away from the concrete
Confinement, housing
Television and internet
Bouncing off the backs
Of our eyeballs –
Feeding the fears
With invisible stuff
Stuffed into the
Ethers where
God’s angles
Mutter utterances
Into the machine
Still churning
The swill drank
By good churchfolk,
As flesh and blood
Pleas for safe
Passage through these
Times,
And punishment
For imaginary crimes
Committed by the
Good folk who
Walk thier own paths
Awry
Apart from the
Not yet departed.
We could have
Just gone fishing
And let the sun set
On humanity’s
Debate,
Humming like crickets
Who haven’t decided
To feed themselves
To fishes.
We could have just
Made a simple choice
Listening to the only
Voice
That mattered –
That frequency
Humming between us
Wherein we seemed
To always understand
Without speaking.
You wanted us apart
And the world
Has literally gone
Mad
Since that day.

Special Order.

I knew how I liked my coffee,
I knew how I liked my eggs,
How could I ever have known
How I’d like the non-fairytale
Real-deal real-world
Real-relationship man?
I want someone to count on
Not to depend on;
Someone to catch and release
As we both choose;
Someone to want
Not need;
Someone who prefers motivation
Over control;
Someone who is open-eyed watching
And awakened contributing wholly;
Someone whose own true basic nature
Like mine is tuned to fun in simple scenario;
Someone who creates what they want
Instead of guilting or blame;
Someone who is safe to open up to
Without retribution or shame;
Someone who is accountable and self-responsible
Without punishment or attack;
Someone who is open to love or converse
And doesn’t play games with walls and silence;
Someone who doesn’t wait around
To do what they’re told;
Someone who does what makes them happy
And invites me along;
Someone who doesn’t want to soak up all the sun,
Who gives attention without demand;
Someone who doesn’t want a mother,
Or maid, or an object;
Someone who wants a true
Partner, confidant, and friend;
Someone who sees me as I am
And who can’t wait to tell others
What you see in me that I can’t;
Someone who isn’t invested
In taking, using or hoarding;
Someone who is honest and transparent
With pure intent;
Someone who is as loyal and won’t leave
When they’re asked to step up to the plate;
Not a big talker, or big spender,
Or flash in the pan;
Just simple and easy and
Present and resonant.
I’ve no one to run from,
I don’t need a hand-out,
I’m not damaged goods,
I’m alone but not lonely
And I’m peacefully
Joyfully thriving.
It could all be so simple
With a split-second choice
And the universe deliver
What we’ve been conspiring
To reveal –
The difference now,
I listen to myself first now,
I easily spot all the
Red flags and caution signs,
My peace is too pure
To throw it away
On pretenders and boys.
So I’ve given my special order
Like Mary Poppins’ chimney wish,
And now on about my business
Let the universe attract and fulfill.

Let Go.

Do you remember
What the world was like
Before you were told
Toughen up,
Be strong,
Be bad,
Be savage;
Hold it in,
Don’t cry,
Don’t show weakness,
Don’t let even one person
Get over on you,
Get into your heart,
Or into your mind
Or into your lane.
Do you remember
Sweetness
And cuddles
And warmth
And freedom?
Do you remember
How it felt to
Just be:
Summer dewy grasses
Tickling bare feet
And birds singing
Tinkly-chortle-songs
Through verdant trees?
Do you remember
Trust
And faith,
Before they took from
You childhood’s grace?
Do you recall
The breath of the
Breeze
And the smell of
Wet metal
After precipitant
Release?
Can you travel
Backwards,
Eyes closed,
Breath held
For just another
Sweet moment
And be the you
From your birth;
Without the quills
Sewn under your
Skin by others
As phantom-protection
From artificially
Mass produced
Illusory dangers –
Thier screams rising
To crescendo
Please let us go!
Step out of
Your fear
Look around you
And see
The world as she is
Quite nurturing.
The battles are
Fought
Mostly inside
In spite of
The make-believe
Dramas told
Round cold tv light.

Wait.

This woman was no weakling
And never needed carrying
Nor tending to;
She was raised
Carrying the weight
Of her brothers and sister
Bearing the weight
Of her parents’
Backwards age.
She did not need
Affections or attention,
As she was quite used
To feeding her own
Tender heart
Kept safely confined
Within sinewy wrapped
Iron bones.
She never needed
Reassurances or emotional
Patting, petting, or prodding;
She was born with
Fire under foot
Moving her ever
In a direction
Far from the place
Of her birth.
She needed no weapons,
No armor was required;
For she preferred the
Cool calm
Of watching from shadows
Until measured and
Careful steps may take.
She listened to hear
And watched to see
And carefully calculated
Future moves.
She had no memorized rules
Of the games she played
Yet played them
With expertise.
She had no need
For disguise;
For the ugliness
She bore on the
Outside
Disguised well
The purity of her
Heart and soul.
She had no use for
Deception or lies
For most common people,
She found,
Were fooled enough
By their own
Doubt and denial
Of what was
Plain truth.
She would not wait –
And yet
She found herself
Quite confounded
Befuddled
Puzzled
And bemused
As those who seemed
To speak truths
In common with hers,
Who claimed
To love the purity
Which was housed inside
The bones surrounding
Her loyal heart,
And who swore
Oaths of fealty
To stand beside her
And to build together
A peasant empire
Custom made
For an imperfect two –
Danced their way
Free of their own
Carefully told deceit
By manufacturing ever
More betrayal
Like long ribbons
Furiously spinning
And flurryingly,
Flying,
In the air between them.
She closed her eyes
And sank into
Her marriage bed
And surrendered to the sleep
Of the dutiful bride.
Ophelia sleep-walking
Poppied breath and
Lidded eyes turned inward.
She wove her sinewy cage,
Her human-boned corset,
Tight around her
And handed the reigns
To her phantom-sister
As she dreamt of the
Gilded dirk which
Would finally free her.
She had never any need
For weapons
Nor armor
Nor disguise
Nor deception
Nor lies –
In her rebirth she
Would re-learn
How to be that
Fair and foolish
Maid:
But with open eyes
And cold stone heart
And watchful glare
And questioning mind
And patient stillness
And measured,
Shallow,
Breath.
She waits.
She’ll never allow
Herself to be rescued
For kidnappers and
Knights
Share the same
Silhouettes.
She’ll never allow
Herself full
Release
Nor submission
For that fairy tale
Was told and exposed
Lifetimes past.
She’ll never pretend
To be stupid
Or soft
Or innocent
And barter her intellect
For protection.
She can not bear
Another nightmarish
Sleep.
That social construct
Which makes her into property
Will not do.
And she’ll not
Play the games required
To win a noble heart
From a scared boy
Hiding behind
High walls and
Booby-trapped fields.
Come willingly
Or stay where you are.
She’ll not live
By so many rules
Which were written
By the hands of the
Afeared.
She waits.

Photo credit: Clayton, R. P. (2021). Photographs of Sand Grain Sizes. Virginia Beach, VA. https://news.tcc.edu/rodney-clayton/

Hear Hear.

I found my voice
And so I started to
Speak –
But did I
Forget to
Listen
Or is it a question
Of hearing?
And what did I
Forget to hear?
When so many voices
Clamoring for the
Attention
Of the silent ones
Formerly only
Observing,
What is this
Maelstrom made of
Many voices singing
Their trauma and drama
In harmony
As many in
One accord?
Is the only true
Unity
In complaint?
And when we hear
The discordance of
Falsehoods
Ring out like
Metal on ceramic
Bashing what was pure
Into fragmented
Shards of divinity;
Do we have the stillness
To discern
The spiral
Of creation
Which presses upon us?
Are we
Thinking
Or feeling
Or speaking;
And can we
Recognize the difference?
Can I love that
Which I still believe
Incapable of loving?
And can I allow to
Heal
That which I judge
Incapable of healing?
And can I allow?
Can I allow?
Can I release from
My clutches
That which carried me
In a basket
On a sea of tears?
Can I simply allow
That which is seeking me
To arrive with certainty
Without my clutching
To some abstract
Idea of formalized control?
Where is located
That final
Alchemical combination
Of imagination and
Blindness?
It’s been written;
It’s been dreamt;
It’s been asked for;
It’s been summoned;
It was promised
Before any of this
Ever unfolded,
In that abyss where
Childhood called the bet.
Time has been
Fluid,
(Or is it the observer)
And space unraveled
And folded into
That paper lantern
First lit
With the breath of
Ancient reds.
Primordial forces
Unleashed from the tomb
As the mother
Ankle deep in the womb
Of gaia
Danced
With pernicious
Delight.
Tonight
I’ll glide with starlight
And see what can
Still can be seen.

Everything.

Your marks were
Invisible
But permanent.
I catch them
In glimpses
Dragged hastily
Across the mirror
Like my old
Bathrobe
Draped carelessly
Over my homework chair.
Sunlight moves
In just the right angle
And I wince
At the memory
Which strikes
That bottom-left
Corner of my mind
Releasing phantom
Memory pain.
There is an alternate
You and me
Moving through the
Kitchen of my consciousness
Still drinking coffee
And laughing
The way it was
Supposed to be –
The way we both wanted it.
If we’d chosen
Differently,
Would the world
Now be at peace,
Or would we be
In pieces?
Wishing things
To be different
Does not make
Them whole,
And makes us
Wholly insane and incapable
Of any true authentic
Exchange.
I would have changed
Everything
To have
Everything
The same.

Once in Awhile

Once in awhile
I wish that I could
Tell you things
Like how it
Really wasn’t about
You
And how you helped me
Even now
You help me
Without even being near me.
Once in awhile
I wish that I could
Show you
How much better it is
Now
How much better I am
Doing without you.
Once in awhile
I wish that I could
Explain to you
All that’s happening
How things have been
Blossoming
Like that tree I planted
The day I last saw you.
Once in awhile
I wish that I could
Express to you
The way my voice
Came in
The day that I told
You how I felt about
You
How I believed in us
Even the separate us
Because that was what
You wanted.
Once in awhile
I wish
And let go
Because I know
Some wishes
Live better
In our hearts
And die
When they meet
The icy stare
Of reality.
Once in awhile
I feel as if
I could still
Change it
If only I
Believed harder
In the unbelievable.
Once in awhile
I still wonder
If what I’m missing
Ever really was,
Really there.

Sutra 32.

Love is a conversation
It flows through – as.
It’s no small wonder
Poetry is the preferred
Conversation of Lovers,
Poetry, like love,
Requires air to breathe
And to spring to life;
Room to grow and to fill
The dark cavities which exist
Between worlds being
Birthed into independent
Experience.
Love requires patience
And tender nurturing
For love’s timeline does
Not bow or conform
To the timeline
Which rules flesh.
Love requires silence
To hear her delicate breath
Echoing through the silence
With no walls or bounds
From which to reverberate
And return true.
Love requires faith
For he follows no formula –
No equation or recipe or compound
Will yield that which the
Heart seeks.
Love requires creativity
For once you are
Believed
To have it,
Love will change form
And you will find empty
Palms clutching
Empty bedsheets.
Love requires humor
Lest it become too heavy
And love falls beneath you
And is lost to
Gravity.
Love requires boldness
To declare
Inwardly
And externally
That it has arrived,
For your word will
Call Love into being
Just as your word
Will send it from you.

Dichotomy.

Don’t want to be controlled
But I do want to be chosen.
But want the respect
For commitments to be honored;
And when the choosing is through
Want the dignity of
Necessary conversation;
Not making it about me –
Not all about you.
All things must evolve –
All starts have their
Finishes.
Don’t want temporary
Nor a permanent lie.
I don’t want to be owned
But I don’t want to be shared.
Don’t want to control
But don’t want to be blind.
Don’t want to dominate
But don’t care to submit;
Equal exchanging
Sacred energy’s gift.
Want clarity,
Transparency,
And connection;
Not out of obligation
But out of obsession.
Want to feel wanted,
Want to feel steady,
Want safety that allows
It to naturally unfold.
Want open doors
Not walls,
Want solid bridges
Not moats,
Want ease,
Want fun,
Want green flags;
Want what I thought
I was getting
But never got.
Want self-responsibility
That leaves each to her own
But seeks creative cooperation
Where together everyone thrives.
Want the things that aren’t logical,
Want to be wholly unreasonable,
Want to defy sensible,
Want to give over to impractical.
Want super synchronicity,
And excited soul-discovery,
And sober-drunken revelry,
And peacefully
Flowing from here till infinity.
Want what’s been promised
Lifetimes ago
To finally have an easy
Path unfold
To finally have time
And space just to play
And explore every minutiae
Of Mother’s broad face.
The thrill of chasing
Life’s unattainable
Intangible
Unsustainable
Dichotomy –
The feeling of home
With an eternal best friend.

Allowable.

You’re allowed to take up space.
You’re allowed to show your face.
You’re allowed to be heard.
You’re allowed to be seen.
You’re allowed to be angry
And to seethe with righteous rage.
You’re allowed to feel broken
While you wait for the pain
To subside into healing
And to rest and to cry and to
Give in to dark tides
And to be weak
And to feel small.
You’re allowed to be emotional
Or emotionless
Or stale – stuck on a feeling
You can’t seem to escape.
You’re allowed to be loud.
You’re allowed to scream
With wild beasts
The words composed by your heart
As it beats sonnets
To you in private –
That pulse your
Private inward universe –
The inverse of
What’s typically acceptably known –
Singing you awake
As you take a moment
To plan your next play.
You’re allowed to be
Exactly where you are
For as long as you choose
To be exactly You –
Whichever You –
You choose to show up as.
And you’re allowed to
Decide –
Where to go to from here.
You can rest
You can withdraw
You can be silent –
Saying everything
By saying nothing at all.
You’re allowed to run forward
Swift as March winds,
To gallop with wild mares
Or soar o’er verdant trees
Slooping and looping
Through currents high
Above blues and greens
In that space between
Space and cottony clouds.
You’re allowed to
Roll slow
Like innocent brooks
Sunning and tumbling
Slipping over sand and silt
Gentle treasure flowing
Steady and enjoying the view.
You’re allowed to sleep,
To surrender
To that dark unknown,
To slip into that space
Beyond wakeful control.
You’re allowed to not know,
To not plan,
To not strive,
To not measure,
To not compare,
To not push,
To not try.
You’re allowed grace.
You’re allowed love.
You’re allowed peace.
You’re allowed tender embraces
And sweet breathy sighs.
You’re allowed ease.
You’re allowed to just be.
Be.

Incorporated.

My love is God in love with me.
My anger is God angry in me.
My jealousy is God jealous in me.
My resentment is God resentful in me.
My hatred is God hating me.
My fear is God fearful in me.
My awe is God in awe of me.
My bliss is God blissful in me.
My happiness is God happy with me.
My joy is God joyful in me.
My humor is God’s humor with me.
My forgiveness is God’s forgiveness of me.
My humility is God’s humility in me.
My peace is God’s peace for me.
My bitterness is God bitter in me.
My sadness is God sad for me.
My repulsion is God repulsed by me.
My judgement is God judging me.
My acceptance is God accepting of me.
My wisdom is God’s wisdom growing in me.
My intelligence is God’s intelligence for me.
My pride is God’s pride in me.
My gratitude is God’s gratitude for me.
My shadow is God in shadow as me.
My light is God as light in me.
All of me is grace
And all of me is good
And all of me is approved of
And all of me composes
The entirety
Of me.
Divine, whole, complete
God incorporated in me.

The Cost.

Love isn’t a commodity.
There’s no work
That must be done
Nor is there a
Minimum purchase price.
There’s no exchange rate
Or reciprocal requirement.
There’s no check list or to-dos.
No applications to fill out
Or proof to provide.
There are no business hours
Or coffee breaks
Or vacations.
There’s no formula
Or equation
Or recipe.
There are no rules
Or laws
Or terms
And conditions do not apply.
Love is who you are.
It’s who I am
And when we connect
It flows freely.
We open ourselves to love
And we close ourselves off.
It’s a choice
Preceded by thought.
When you’re not
Even trying,
Not even looking,
Not even paying attention
That first spark lights up
The darkness
And you’re flooded
By the light of love.
In the beginning
It’s easy to snuff out,
To run from,
To cover up.
But the brighter it gets
And the more intensely it burns,
The more it consumes
The ego or will.
This is that wild nature of love.
It takes on its own life.
You feel as though
You’d truly do anything,
Go anywhere,
Give everything
For this love.
And the human inside
Wishes to remain in control,
To protect or defend,
To regulate the flow
Of that which
Will not be contained.
And this is where
We attempt to impose conditions.
We say that we will
Stop flowing
Our love
If we aren’t
Adequately compensated.
But the true nature of love
Is limitless
And so
Once you try to control love
As a commodity,
You will find
There is never an end
To your needing.
There will never be
Another person
Capable of meeting all conditions
Because of the
Infinite nature
Of love.
No human has
The capacity
To pay this price.
No human will ever
Compensate
For love
When it becomes
A capitalistic venture.
You will never find a being
Who can truly afford
The great price
Which love requires.
If love cannot be given freely,
If love cannot flow
As naturally as the tide,
If love is measured and defined
In order to be channelled or
Controlled or
Driven or
Used –
Then love is murdered.
Just as suddenly as
That first spark
Of love appeared,
Love will be snuffed out
Or will rampage the landscape
Consuming all in its path!
No earning
No proving
No working
No solving
No exchange
No buying
No bribery
No blackmail
No stealing
No tricking
No deceiving
No begging
No studying
No figuring out
No fixing
No creating
No forcing –
Will ever create love
Where there is no flow.
When you find
That love has left,
When lovers’ hearts
Close,
You may wait
Patiently
For love to return
But no forcing
Or will
Can replace
What once freely
Grew inside.
Love comes and goes
According to it’s own
Plan and design.
So choose well
The types of people
Whom you would like
To share your
Priceless
Precious
Loving life with,
And immerse yourself
In love
When it chooses to stay,
And release with gratitude
When it fades away
And send it freely
Into the world
When you are feeling unloved.
You are love.
Your natural state is loving.
Love can only be returned
Where there is an opening
And space to receive it.

Soon.

Soon,
You’ll find the one
Who loves you
In ways that
You’ve always dreamed
Of knowing love.
Soon,
You’ll find the one
Who will make you feel
As though your
Absence brings them
Pain.
Soon,
You’ll find the one
Who finds your
“Too much”
Just enough.
Soon,
You’ll find the one
Who communicates
In ways
That let you know
For certain
You’re the one
They’ve decided
They just won’t
Be without.
Soon,
You’ll find the one
Who you never
Have to guess –
Never have to wonder –
Never have to feel
As though your
Preferences are
Too picky –
Too shallow –
Too lofty –
Too complicated.
Soon,
You’ll find the one
Who never makes
You feel wrong,
Who never leaves you
Longing
For more
Than they can give.
Soon,
You’ll find the one
Already grown,
No more fixing,
No more raising
Other mother’s sons.
Soon,
You’ll find the one –
It’s not a matter
Of healing
Or changing
Or compromise –
It’s simply your
Preference
And you manifest
That one
With each beat
Of your loving heart.

What If?

What if
Your secret special
Super power
Was being you?
What if you
Were a god
Or goddess undercover?
What if you
Were really an
Object of worship?
What if
Absolutely everything
And everyone
In life was
Built especially for
And because of
You?
What if
You mattered
Far more than
You could possibly
Know?
What if
You were everything
To everyone?
What if you
Were THAT
Person?
What if
Everything you did
Was magic
And everything you
Touch was gold
And every breath
You breathe was
A miracle?
What if you
Were just adored
By every person
Who meets you?
What if
You were
A magnet for love?
What if you
Were the treasure
At every rainbow’s
End and beginning?
What if the
World could change
On a dime
Simply because
You asked yourself
If it were
Possible?
What if it
Really were
Possible?
What if
You are the light?
What if
You are
Grace?
What if
You are a
Savior?
What if
You are
Peace?
What if
You are
Love?
What if…

Wild Love.

Love is a tidal
Vortex which capsizes
The strongest vessels,
By day it entices
With the serenity
Of imagined
Security,
And by midnight
You are torn
In twain.
Love engulfs
With unpredictable
Rhythm
This undertow which
Pulls the very
Air from lungs
Under the weight
Of heavy moon.
A sharp mind
Will reason and
Will with all
Order and accounting
Draw plans and
Craft sturdy walls
Which should
Withstand any
Mortal siege;
And yet love’s
Gentle caress will
Pluck each stone
From her space
With gentle
Warm breath.
You will dive
Readily into any
Fray for love
And find yourself
Bested by
Your own traitorous rage
As you dance the
Dance of the sword
Both with and for love.
Love will call
For violent
Truce.
Love confuses the
Senses until shades
Appear as friends
And friends appear
As foes
And foes appear
As lovers.
Love finds you
Entangled in bedsheet
Snares and bound
In hair
And longing stares
And kneebent
In headbowed prayer.
You may bold
Declarations make
Of laws and rules
And treaties in
All fairness and
Logical standing
Only to defy
Those self-made
Conspiracies at the
First smile
From lovers’ lips.
You will wish
To contain the
Wild ferocity
Of love and to
See it bound
Or bottled
Or stored
Only to find the
Great winds of
Love decimate all
In her path
With the delicate
Grace of a single
Feather drawn over
Alabaster flesh.
You will
Bar the entrance
To your own
Tender heart and
Block the way
And love will soothe
Open those iron
Doors and lift
Heavy gate
And make her
Home and
Claim her rightful
Throne within.
You will think
Yourself unready,
Incapable, or
Unwanting of love
And yet you will
Find yourself
Drowning in the
Depths of love
As you futilely
Try to tread her.
You will decipher
Patterns and irregular
Cadence will take
On some semblance of
Steadily measured
Beat, and yet
Just as you feel
You have mastered
Her and will predict
Her next step,
She will alter
Course and direction
And you will
Find yourself
Open handed and
Open armed and
Expectant.
You’ll tell yourself
You will not
Chase her,
Let her return
To you, and
With each moment
Expanding with anticipant
Impatience,
You’ll break
And in haste
Pursue.
Say nothing
Do nothing
Predict nothing
Grasp at nothing
And this wild
Love will settle
And sit at
Your feet.

Seemings.

To the one
Who can see
Only enemies,
Your kindness
Will be returned
As “fake”.
To the one
Who has no
Voice,
Your joy
Will be returned
As “domineering”.
To the one
Who can see
Only users,
Your boundaries
Will be returned
As selfishness.
To the one
Who can see
Only abuse,
Your voice
Will be returned
As blame.
To the one
Who only knows
Trauma,
A simple
“No”
Will be returned
With great pain.
To one who
Chooses
Thier own path,
Thier own life,
Their own feelings,
And thier own way,
All will be
Recived
With clarity,
With love,
With understanding,
And grace.

Wishful Thinking.

If there’d been
A way
I’d have found it.
If there’d been
A choice
I’d have made it.
If there’d been
More time
I’d have held it.
If there’d been
More clarity
I’d have seen it.
If there’d been
Less confusion
I’d have been
More decisive.
If I’d seen sooner
I’d have chosen
Something different.
If there’d been
More –
More
I’d have held onto it.
It was so wrong
In all the
Right ways
But wishful
Thinking
Doesn’t create
A happier ending
From something
Started with someone
Who was never
Really
Meant to stay.

Antihero.

You were a mistake
I enjoyed making
Though if I could
Do it again,
I’d have done
It in a different
Order – let the
Growing come first
Let the healing
Precede the wound.
But perhaps it
Was only our trauma
Which between us
Grew into something
Intense and temporary.
It’s one of life’s
Dichotomies
A grand conspiracy
Which says the shortest
Stories burn the
Hottest and the doomedest
Anti-heroes are the most
Heroic.

Whispers.

I have voice in my lungs
And speak gently
This is my truth:
It’s not about you –
Though there may yet
Be storms and calamity,
These seas will be stilled
By peaceful mastery –
Never by control from
Another – the direction’s
My choice and my right
To decide to turn
Rudders and sails in
Any direction – to join
The tide or to struggle
And fight
For a path
Which cuts through
To chosen destiny.
You’ll try in vain
To drain the sea,
Or to bottle the winds,
Or to wrestle control
Of my vessel from me –
All are mistaken and
You’ll only tire out,
Your belly will rumble
And ache and the wildness
Of winds never will break.
My vessel will ever be
Free to embark or to
Drift as my soul
Sees fit – you’ll
Only be torn from
Your shores and divided
Limb from limb.
So listen my love,
When gentle hearts
Roar in whispers
Making sweet requests –
Listen, for I’ve lost
All patience for struggle,
And fights, and untangling
My life from another who
Would attempt to snuff
Out this inner wisp
Of a light –
Thinking it a danger
Hoping to control
That which chooses
To abide for a time.
Tune your hearing to
The simple small tune
And dismiss not my
Asking for I’ve granted
Access to you
In this place
Where few ever enter
And none may stay –
Linger long as a friend
Or be on your way –
For no roughness,
Nor violence, nor
Wrath may abide –
I’ve no room here for
An enemy – only peace
Grows inside.
Slow down, take my hand,
Let us follow no lead,
For this dance has never
Been choreographed –
It’s truly divine
Birthed by creation’s
First seed.

Gentle Voices.

Can you hear
The voice of
Gentle
As she makes her
Requests?
Are you tuned in
To simple as
She blossoms in
Love’s chest?
Are you listening
For peaceful
In space between
Each new breath?
Will you join this
Slow tempo
And allow life
To provide the rest?
Will you abide in
Presence,
As this moment
Balanced delicately
On knife’s-edge
Rests?
Will you decipher
Secrets told in
Silence
And follow
Dainty steps?
What’s new can
Be exciting and fill
Life with giddy-
Bubbly heady highs,
But war wages only
Lusty murder –
Love requires steady
Trust and cooperative
Communion
To grow and breathe
And live a richly
Painted life.
No truces nor surrender –
No loss nor compromise –
Just choose what path
Is wanted, then
Look into my eyes, take
My hand and let
That joy in your
Chest be love’s
Guide.
There’s no need for
White flags,
Armor and weapons
Only divide –
There is no enemy here
Only another just
Like you
Who’s grown weary
Of the fight.

The World is a Helpful Place.

This is a paper I wrote last semester for soc2. I could add to this recent events which bring to light systemic corruption which allowed yesterday’s events to even occur.

Remain in love and light.
❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

The World is a Helpful Place.

The world is a helpful place. Our textbook presents data and research on the various failings of social institutions in the US and the resulting despair, corruption, disenfranchisement, and grim outlook. (Henslin) Although the information we study combined with myriad social issues we face today make the world appear hostile and unfair, the world, indeed, is a helpful place.

Consider the time periods in the past wherein various forms of government practiced extreme control of the people and nearly every factor in life was predetermined by status. A ruling noble family had a duty to protect and provide for the peasant farmers. A general or decorated war chief had a duty to “Queen and Country.” Men would have been obligated to provide defense for the women and children at home, provide new opportunities to expand control of resources, and to provide resources for said women and children. Men not fighting or politicking would have had a duty to a trade or profession most likely dictated by class. Women would have had a duty to educate children, create and maintain a home, and defend the home-front in the absence of a husband at war or engaged in travel or trade. Children would have known what their role and duty was well before reaching apprenticeship, marriage, or a career. (Hanagan) Indeed, the freedoms we exercise today have been largely taken for granted as society has evolved. Although wealth created certain privileges, we have no proof that the wealthy are any happier. If the wealthy enjoy a less stressful and happier life, we have no proof that the poor do not have that same happiness with life – blissfully unaware that there could ever be another way.

Documentarians who visited the third world and lived among the poorest people in the world found interesting data. The title The Happiest People on Earth says all we need to know. The people who are barely surviving compared to western culture are the happiest. During the course of the documentary, director Bello Galadanchi uncovered the contributing factors of this happiness are isolation, strong community and family ties, and an attitude of love for life and gratitude for everything life has to offer. Because the people featured had so little, they appreciated it all. Because they had so little, they relied on family and community ties to work together and care for one another. Because they were isolated, they had no technology to constantly advertise to them and so there was no desire to purchase and consume items. Value was placed on family and tradition versus “stuff.” (The Happiest People on Earth)

By contrast, industrialized capitalist nations are inundated with technology- including the technology to record video and edit the resulting footage into a documentary to show to those in wealthy communities how others live. This is helpful in designing a better future for both the industrialized and non-industrial nations. The world gives us ample opportunity to discover and explore what is really the most meaningful to us and our lives by examining a variety of cultures and how they thrive. This exploration helps us to see where we came from, how we got here, and how to better improve lives for all people on Earth.

The recent tragedies around Black Lives Matter and the murders of African Americans, (mostly males) by law enforcement have brought to the forefront issues which previously lived in the shadows and went ignored. If it had not been for the shutdown of COVID and resulting dependence on media for entertainment, many people would not have seen the horrific video evidence of George Floyd’s murder. It was a tragedy that shocked so many and yet, the world is a helpful place. We finally had irrefutable evidence in our newsfeeds and on TV of a system of institutionalized racism which spurred important conversations among families, religion, political representatives, scholars, and researchers. We uncovered groups of people who perpetuate racist ideals and we identified possible solutions to reeducate people and weaknesses in our system. (Hill, et al)

The world is a helpful place. Prior to COVID-19 we had a growing number of viral and bacterial outbreaks which were largely ignored by the American public because they did not seem to affect too many people. (WHO) A simple Google search returns article after article where we still see places with low population concentration where “anti-maskers” have shown a rebellious outrage at the idea of the Government trying to protect their health and the health of the nation by enforcing mask regulations. Prior to COVID, the education system in the US had been brought under scrutiny. With the wild uneducated speculation and resulting movements which deny science, we see that American ignorance is deadly. (Henslin) Another Google search will return many articles reporting spikes in numbers after many social gatherings by young adults. Famously, spring break in Florida and the reopening of the Disney World Theme Parks caused enormous spikes which were immediately dismissed by those “anti-maskers.” And despite media attention, many Americans, regardless of political affiliation, still believe COVID-19 to be a hoax. One article reports as many of 75% of Americans believe a conspiracy theory about the legitimacy of COVID-19. (Schaffer) My sister is a nurse. It is not a hoax. COVID-19 has shown us our failings and weaknesses. Our dependence on media has brought this and other failings into the limelight.

The world is a helpful place. If you look at numbers throughout US history, the statistics are clear: War, crime, poverty, and other social issues are on the decline. (Henslin) We believe they are getting worse due to the constant stream of media attention on the problem and very few positive reports of change and actions which benefit Americans. Indeed, human beings are habitually wired to seek out the problem and only do something about it when it is loud enough. The fight or flight instinct has conditioned us to look for danger. On the other side of fight or flight are reason, creativity, innovation, and play (work for enjoyment versus pressure to perform). These four elements are abundant in the world but have been conditioned to emphasize attention to problems. Even our US system of dissent dictates that the squeaky wheels get greased.

Once upon a time, I believed that companies had vested interest in keeping a highly educated and happy workforce. The exchange of money was important to the company to stimulate the economy by creating a cycle of payment to employees who will then spend money buying from their own employer and other companies who their employer may also have investments in. Infusing the economy with educated and skilled workers who are adequately compensated reduces crime and poor health which reduces costs to everyone – especially companies who spend enormous amounts of money to protect themselves from cyber and real-life theft and on employee health insurance. A better paid workforce is good for everyone.

I used to believe that politicians entered the political arena to make change for the better. Lawyers, judges, bureaucrats, police, and the military were viewed as being there for our own good. Corporate billionaires were believed to be caring people who relied on the teeming masses to support their lavish lifestyles and thus viewed this relationship as harmonious and beneficial to their personal interests as well.

Today, public opinion is highly skeptical and low on trust. We are shown evidence of corruption and theft and we believe that those who are corrupt perpetuate the entire group. One bad billionaire spoils the bunch! With world poverty, climate change, and war being unnecessary now due to technology, we see the wasteful habits of the middle-class and the overindulgences by the upper classes as being criminal when there are others still suffering – despite the numbers which show that we are doing a lot of good in the world. If it were in the best interest of companies to invest in these social issues, we could eliminate them easily with little loss by the wealthy. The impetus to continue to do things in the old ways die out as social ideologies change; and dissent demands change.

The world is a helpful place. And it continues to grow in its helpfulness. As we evolve our ideologies evolve. Humans have been through revolution after revolution wherein “the people” have wrestled the freedoms over their own lives and destinies from the “powers that be.” The prisoner’s dilemma dictates that due to low trust, people will always choose their own self-interest versus the interests of the people. High trust creates community, cooperation, and love for life as witnessed by documentarians.

The world is a helpful place and when viewed as such we see a clearer picture. Free public education, state sponsored college education for the poor, entitlement and wealth transfer programs, large-scale food production, efficiencies in all production, telecom, the cell phone; all just a few examples of the helpful world in which we live. (Henslin) And if we foster these relationships around trust and helpfulness, we eliminate the need for dissent and public disruption. And the world is so very helpful that we are learning that now, as we navigate both the bright and darker sides of 2020.

The world is a helpful place. It’s our job to shift our perspectives and see it that way again so that we will walk in the direction of unity and community versus division and disenfranchisement.

References
Hanagan, Michael. “Ruling Families and Dominant Classes in Modern European History.” Sociological Forum 1990. Periodical. 2020. .
Henslin, James M. Sociology: A Down-to-Earth Approach. Parson, 2012. Texbook.
Hill, Evan and Christiaan Triebert, Drew Jordan, Haley Willis and Robin Stein Ainara Tiefenthäler. “How George Floyd Was Killed in Police Custody.” NY Times (2020). 2020. .
Schaffer, Katherine. A look at the Americans who believe there is some truth to the conspiracy theory that COVID-19 was planned. n.d. 2020. .
The Happiest People on Earth. Dir. Bello Galadanchi. Dolar Pictures. 2015. 2020. .
World, Health Organization. WHO.org. n.d. Website. 2020. .

Peace.

Peace is
When my own voice is enough.
Peace is
When my own touch is love.
Peace is
My life my way.
Peace is
Feeling whole each day.
Peace is
There’s nothing to want.
Peace is
I’m just me – no front.
Peace is
Every moment a gift.
Peace is
Life fully lived.
Peace is
A prayer in each breath.
Peace is
Contentment and rest.
Peace is
Joyful laughter each day.
Peace is
Whatever I say.

get Real.

My heart is too big
For just being friends;
My time is too valuable
For open without ends;
My mind is too sharp
For dull pretense;
My love is too deep
For shallow tides aflow;
My arms are too strong
For temporary drifters ablow;
My light is too bright
For black holes of woe;
My steps are too sure
For wanderers lost long ago;
My world is too peaceful
For war fought only for show;
Bring me hearts open,
Stop time with me,
Speak your mind without filter,
Dive with me into love’s depths,
Wrap me in strong arms,
Show me your light,
Walk with me through
This peaceful life.

Nature.

A bird is still
A bird though
Her wing be broken.
She will not suddenly
Become a serpent
Because she cannot fly.
The gentle nature within
Will not corrupt
Though it be driven
Into hiding spaces
In places only shades
Dare to go.
Though she may pretend
To be content with
Skipping about on
Feet never meant for
Walking, she will soon
Return to her high
Spaces when given time;
For all do mend and
Heal and return to their
Nature true in God’s
Due time.
A bird is still
A bird though she may
Not sing – whether t’is
From injury or grief for
Her beloved sky.
She’ll dream of singing
Songs anew, soon as
Strength returns
And she takes flight.
One who’s made of
Love and light
Will always return
True to form – despite
All false belief
And cloudy sight;
We are but vessels
Toting stardust
Through the night.

Harvest.

I’ll not tell you
Not to clip your wings,
For I’ve done the same
For the love it might bring.
I’ll not tell you
Not to muffle your song,
For I’ve done the same
Thinking it was for love all along.
I’ll not tell you
Not to hide your light,
For I’ve done the same,
Thinking it would brighten love’s flame.
I’ll not tell you
Not to silence your voice,
For I’ve done the same,
Thinking love’s best choice.
I’ll not tell you
Not to give your whole heart,
For I’ve done the same
Thinking love’s playing its part.
I’ll not tell you
Your love is a crime,
For I’d choose the same
For love I’d take any punishment –
I’d do the time.
I’ll not tell you,
Not to bend, crawl, or stoop;
For I’ve done the same
Thinking love would deliver, true.
Love as you choose,
Like the breath in your chest,
Holding it inside
Becomes as toxic as not inhaling at all.
Allow it to flow in and out,
As natural as a breeze,
Attempt not to control
Lest it die to be free.
But when the love you offer dies
As fruit on the vine,
Do not blame the wild tree
For another’s crime.
Uproot and seek fertile
And rich earth to replant,
And watch as new love flowers
And all that was spent
Is returned in full.
See how in due season
Richly harvested fruit
Pressed into wine of the divine
In the fullness of time.

Mistaken Identity.

You say I’m broken
That I made myself small,
But that wasn’t it
You don’t see me at all.
You think I’m in hiding
And playing it safe,
But that’s not actually
The game that I play.
You say I give too much
Of myself to everyone else,
But you don’t know me,
You just don’t see.
You think I lack the ability
To speak up for my soul,
But you have no clue
Where my true motives are.
What you just can’t fathom,
What you will never understand,
Is I only wanted freedom
To live life just as I am.
I choose what to give and to whom,
I choose how to live,
I choose what to say,
I choose how far I’m willing to go.
I don’t need anything,
It’s always all been within,
But I want to have fun
And to play all day with good friends.
I’d rather keep the party going
Then hold onto all my stuff,
And I’m fine seeming small,
My own praise is more than enough.
I don’t need presents,
Or attention or gifts –
Just time spent laughing with
Someone I truly, deeply love,
Is the way I wish to live.
So you can count coup,
And tallies may take,
Draw lines in the sand,
Horde false treasure and friends.
I’ve had lifetimes of spoils,
And paths filled with pretense,
And nothing does last –
Even this dear life,
Someday must end.
So decide now what’s important
What is wanted,
How much is enough?
For me,
Each moment
I endeavor to fill with
Only my love.

Proper credit for the rose featured goes to the manufacturer of a paint by number practice that came in my art kit I was given as a gift. Thank you @Artskills of Bethlehem, PA for assisting me. The final product and background are mine.

Love and Light.

Love and light
I send unto you,
Not for you but
For me.
Though there is
No fault nor
Blame,
Though there is
No cause to feel
Shame –
I send love and
Light because
All disruption
Lives within
Me.
There’s no
Pain you’ve
Caused me nor
Hurt that I’ve felt
That you could ever
Undo.
If anyone is
Holding onto the
Poison,
It’s me.
I may have every
Reason
And every justified
Excuse,
But my soul
Longs to sing
A higher pitch.
I cannot return
To the heights that
I crave
With this anchor
I’m holding
Within.
I remember the
Wound and the
Wounding,
And anger returns with
A fire –
So I stoke the
Embers and
Utilize
Their ferocity to
Carry the light.
I smile and send
Love.
I send light because
That’s my right.
I’m connected
By my soul’s
DNA to the
Infinite source of
Love –
There’s never an
Empty well,
There’s never a
Dark night.
I cannot exhaust
What flows freely,
What’s given without
Condition or
Due.
So when I think
Of how another’s
Wronged me,
I send love
And light
And feel my spirit
Return to her
Place of
Peace within.

Lovelife.

I held fast
To a purpose and
Plan,
Until someone
Told me
That I deserved
Better.
I gave as I
Chose,
Not to you,
Not for you,
But for me
Because I wanted
A good
And glorious life;
Until someone
Told me
I should expect more.
I didn’t mind,
I could handle
The little
Setbacks and
Disappointments,
Because I had me
And I was enough
Until someone else
Told me
That I wasn’t.
I wasn’t hurting,
It didn’t feel bad,
I was my own
Woman –
Perhaps a little
Naive,
Perhaps a little
Shy –
But happy with
Me,
Okay with myself,
And intent on
Living
For no one else;
Until someone else
Told me
I should have
Held a much
Bigger world.
I chose
To want.
I chose
To desire.
I chose
To reach.
I chose
To aspire;
To climb,
To stand,
To run,
To crawl.
I listened to
The judgement of
Very broken
And confused
People, who
Turned love
Around to be
Used as a weapon
Or tool or a
Loan,
To barter for
Things
To blackmail
And blame.
I’d no
Sense of what
Life would be
When lived with
Conditions
Setting the rules
Of the game.
Now I’ve traveled
Full circle
And back at the
Start,
I’ve turned
Inward and outward
And poured out
My heart,
And what I’ve found
Inside has never
Changed,
Just was twisted
And confused
Out of loneliness
And pain.
The love that I
Offered was never
Repentant,
But I’d never
Blamed it a sin,
I’d only wished
For a clear
Crystal vision.
It may have been
As good as it
Could ever have been,
Those who played
Their roles
Did so with
Perfection,
And I needed things
Which others could
Never afford for
I needed to see
That yes,
I was always
Worthy;
Even though satisfied
With a whole lot less,
I’d have wasted
Away and apathy
Would have had
My best.
I never needed
Nor wanted
A thing
From anyone else,
It was always
Me:
I’d needed to
Be true to
Myself.
So here I am
Right back at the
Start,
Feeling as though
I’ve learned
That life’s really
A farce.
Fools playing games
Protecting their
Hearts,
And I’m the
Biggest fool
Because I know
Better than
All.
There’s nothing
To lose,
There’s nothing
To bruise,
There’s nothing
To hurt here,
There’s nothing
To waste.
The openness of
A young naive girl
Made the wisest
Companion,
For nothing was
Ever at stake.
There was nothing
To lose and
Everything to be
Built,
By tending to
Herself
And allowing her
Partner to be
Who he was
Whatever that
Meant;
Because she was
Content
With her life
Small and
Well-lived in.
This adventure
Has taken her to
Far and foreign
Delights, and
She’s laughed her way
Through,
It’s been
A helluva
Ride.
Perhaps there’ve
Been disappointments –
More than a few –
And maybe some
Loss and love
Misplaced.
But what really
Is ever
The fear?
What is worth holding
Back for?
What is at loss?
No one can ever take
Me
From me,
And no one can
Ever cause
My spirit
To flee.
So playfully
Open,
Patient and wise,
I continue to
Adventure
And look
To the horizon.
It’s not about
More,
It’s not about
Worth,
It’s not about
Having what I’ve
Always deserved.
It’s about
Time –
It is time –
The convergence
Is true.
All paths lead
To this one,
All steps
Carry
Me to you.
There’s nothing to
Protect
Or defend,
But this time
I begin with
Abundance
Via experience
And wisdom –
This new love
Life begins.

Storybook.

Do you remember
Who you were
Before they told
You what to fear?
Do you remember
The peace inside?
Do you remember
Feeling as if your
Life were simple
And complete?
Do you remember
Having all you
Ever needed,
Desiring only
For the joy
Of others?
Do you remember
Wondering
What suffering meant,
For that too
Was as strange as
Reasons for another
To ever choose it?
Do you remember how
It was always so
Easy?
How you watched
The world through
Unclouded lens?
Do you remember
Choosing to see
The narrative
Which others said
Was reality
Playing pretend?
Do you remember
How freedom felt
Before you felt
Guilty for
Being free?
Do you remember
Limitless possiblity;
Every wish a certainty,
Every desire a
Probability?
Do you remember
A time before
You were taught
To seek out the
Fear of another,
To attempt
To decipher
Their misunderstood
Reactions to genuine
And heartfelt
Love given
Abundantly?
Do you remember
What it was like
To be easy
And open
And willing;
To walk sure-footed
And confidently
Into each morning?
Do you remember
Knowing that some
Loving entity
Answered every
Prayerful request
And noticing how
The best always
Manifest?
Don’t you remember
What it was
To masterfully be,
Before someone
Filled you with
A recipe for cynical
Archeology?
Don’t you remember
Looking for answers
When the question
Was simply –
“Why is my love
Met with punishment
When I feel only
Like giving freely
And expecting
Nothing
But to continue
The fun?”
I’ve already seen
There’s a different
Capacity,
And not all are capable
Of untangling
Thier web-covered
Walls.
I’ve never understood
Why letting go
Wasn’t easier,
Until so many
Disappointing and
Destructive lovers
Took what was given freely
And gave to others,
Seeing me only
Broken
As they saw themselves
As I waited
In vain for
Them to stand tall.
Listen to words
Of advice from
Well meaning love
Veterans
Telling me to
Be guarded and
Stingy
And to hold on to
My heart;
But they have never
Seen a masterful
Sorceress
And misunderstand love
In its abundant
Ever-flowing
Natural flood.
When you are made of
The same stuff
As gods
And the universe,
When you are love
As it flows o’er
Gaia,
When you are
Peaceful inside
And have no need for
Defensively guarding,
You choose where to
Allow yourself
To flow.
You give whenever you
Desire to give.
You serve as you
See yourself
Fit.
You are love
And thus
Nothing is ever
Wasted,
No one may
Betray you
If it’s your
Choice
Where to place
Each surely met step.
When you measure
And mete each
Playful exchange,
And you bare
Yourself and
Judge what distance
You tread,
When you open
And close as naturally
As any heart’s
Chambers,
No missing
Or lacking
Intrudes
On fine
Temple walls.
So let others
Have their rules
And hard lines,
You’ve seen their
Reliance on a black
And white code.
Your life is
Fully lived by your
Infinite spirit
And you decide
How to interpret each
Storybook’s
Close.

Depths.

Shadow
Automatons dance
On gently stirred
Air
Like motes of
Mother’s dust
Eternally agitated
By the motion of
Movement –
A rollick of
Memories born
To flesh
And the forgotten
Yesterdays
Which whisper their
Foreboding tale
On vibrational staircase
Winding ever upward
To lofty tomorrows.
She pirouettes in place,
Her thick-tufted
Pajamas clinging to
Thighs whose
Regresses and egresses
Have become more
Shapely with children
And baring the weight of
Many men
Who would give her
Their burdens to
Carry
Like water vessels
On her back,
In her heart and mind,
On her soul.
The stars and crescent moons
Bend and bunch
In places which
Attract and distract the light
And in symphony with
Grace
Do there create
Winding roads
And lonely paths
Many have wandered
After the lights of
Day have retreated behind
Expectant moons.
What use have
You of me?
She asks the shadows
As they swirl about
Her and she gathers
Them like fish
Caught in the net of
Her flaxen hair.
What use have I
Of your echoed
Lament?
She does not hide
The abyss of her
Seas
But only those
Who venture into
The bed of placid
Deep
May find that
Treasure which she
Keeps.
There is no binding
Nor secret map,
She offers her stores
With open access
But few should wish
To see
That which could be
Inwardly plundered.
Attempt to narrate her
Movements,
Guess at her motives,
Create your own story
Which explains her
Free spiritedness –
From your high vantage
Only mirrored reflection
Return shadow-
Prancers to mind.
You’ll need to dive
Deep
Unencumbered
By false pretense
Or expectancy –
Plunge depths previously
Uncharted
And see the secret
Gardens she keeps.
Those who would
Delve unbidden
Into forbidden troves
Will find themselves
Puzzled – perplexed,
For the
The laws which govern
All others
Applied here
Leave visitors quite
Vexed.
Not upside-down
Nor inside-out
Nor distorted reality –
No, that which paints
Ancient walls here
Depicts strange
Curiosities indecipherable
And indescribable by
Those whose frequencies
Keep to low-tides.

Tension.

See this gilded
Door part-open,
The world to which
It leads is a
Universe
Within.
The keeper of
Entry does
Not require
Payment,
For no price
Could ever afford.
It is a question –
Answer true –
Is this what
You wish to
Bring with you
As you walk into
The holy
Of holies?
What is it that
This vortex
Shall deliver
On cue?
Bring only
That which is worthy;
What’s wanted,
What’s desired,
And what’s healthy –
That which blushes
With love’s hue.
Leave out
All pretense
And half measure,
Abandon that which
Cannot be a
Boon and add value,
Cast away
Those who would
See you damaged
Or used.
This cherished grand
Entry is your
Access –
Private portal
To a tidal flood
Of creation,
Of a life
Lived fully
And expressed
In multidimensional
Hue.
See the tapestry
Of life
Flowing through you,
And see cords
Bringing heaven to
Gaia
Green and blue.
Whatever is asked
For is given,
It’s not even
A matter of faith.
The law is
Your birthright,
Your companion,
As you manifest
Life’s treasures;
All that’s requested
Is surrendered
Without adieu.
So take
Time
Beyond this
Moment,
You have an abundant
Measure –
More than you know;
And consider
Deeply
What your gentle
Heart inspires
Before entering
With every
Stray thought and
Emotion
Which therein
Does seed and
Grow.
Recall the days
When you used an
Imposter
To fill
Fantastic daydreams,
Playing a part
Written for another
From the start.
Recall how you
Created your
Own dramatic
Attraction
By allowing emotion
To build on faulty
Foundation
Without cooperation
Or consent.
You created a paper
Doll
Pulled on heartstrings –
Devoid of anything
Resembling
The truth.
Fantasy stories are
Fun for movies
Books and gameplay,
The excitement gives
An otherwise mundane
Life some
Pizazz;
But when what’s longed
For is
Real and
Lasting,
No fairytale
Fantasy will do.
You see now
How to manipulate
Your own
Inner tension
How to create
The passion
You choose,
So you’re
Now your own
Captain and master,
Your life belongs
Fully to you.

Decide.

It is not weakness –
The strength of
Teams of horses
Hold this gentle
Heart open.
It is not frailty
Which makes me soft –
I am who I am
By choice.
It is not fragility
Which asks me to
Give of myself –
For I am made of
Love
And love which flows
Freely from me
Is fierce as any
Tidal flood.
It is not shame
Which drives me –
For I am free
And hold myself
Naked
Unafraid and unwilling
To hide that which
Nature has born me.
It is not fear
Which asks me to
Bare myself –
I am fortified from
Within and that fortification
Is my own construction
And grand design.
It is not from
Brokenness –
I do not collapse inwardly
At the slightest touch.
You may interpret
Me
As you choose –
But know that my
Choice belongs to me
Wholly
And I possess all of me
And I give to who I give
Willingly
By choice
And courage
And might.
It is not up to you
To decide.

Free.

Tell me
That every second
Ticks by
As an enemy,
Tell me
That other distractions
Are misery,
Tell me you can’t
Wait to see me,
Tell me when
You have other
Obligations,
You’d rather
Be with me.
Tell me
More that just
“How ya doing,”
Tell me
How you saw
A rose in
Bloom and
Tell me how
The fragrance
Reminded
My sweet smile
To you.
Tell me
I’m the one
You’re dreaming of,
Tell me
You think of
Me when you smile.
Tell me
You remember
Our joking,
Tell me
How it carries
You through.
Tell me
You can’t get
Enough of my
Touch,
Tell me you
Can’t wait
To see me again,
Tell me
You wish it
Were already
The future,
Tell me
You’d learn
To stop time.
Tell me
You’d give all
You are given,
Tell me
But only honestly –
And then show
Me –
Let me believe
I’m your
Everything.
Tell me
About myself
As only
You can see me,
Tell me
You love
Every flaw,
Tell me
You understand
How I came to
Be here,
Tell me
I’m allowed
To stand or
To fall.
Be the one
Who I’ve
Always had to be
For others,
For myself,
For no one
At all.
Be the person who
I can depend on,
Be the one
Who can be
There when –
Every time –
I call.
My heart’s open
And I’m ready
For receiving
And time’s
Taught every
Lesson she can,
Don’t ask me
To prove myself
Skillfully
Worthy,
I’m not good
At puzzles
Or mazes
Or at playing pretend
Or protecting
My heart.
If I’m what
Is wanted then
Tell me,
Show me,
And be –
Just be who you are.
But if you’re
Defending
And guarded
I’ve no
Thirst
For a battle
Or war.
Love me freely
Or don’t love
Me at all.
I love wholly
Without abandon
I love completely
Without walls
I give because
It’s a pleasure
To bring joy
And a smile
To your heart.
But it was
Never meant to
Be a requirement
It was never
Meant to be a
Chore
It was never meant
To be my job
To serve and grovel
It was meant as a
Communion
With one who
Speaks the same
Language
And one who
Expresses
As I do
And one who sees
Each measure
And returns
It because it’s
A joy.
If you’re not
Paying attention
You’ll miss it,
Every expression
Of love.
So be an equal
Participant
No sideline
Sitting
No last on
Your list
Of priority.
Treat me like
I’m your all or nothing
Because you
Truly wish to
Because you want
As I do
To create our
Loveland –
Our heaven
On earth.

Return.

When it was
Black or white
There were
Two choices,
Obey or
Else it’s a
Sin.
All of the horrors
That came from
Other’s
Voices
“Thou shalt not”s
“You are born
Corrupt
Within!”
Birthed into a
World filled with
Evil,
Where every devilish
Delight
Looks a friend,
Fading to
Nothing
To somehow
Fit in.
Beaten
By other’s
Yardsticks,
Stopping so
The punishment
Might end.
Learn to navigate
Life
Lived lonely,
Where even friends
Are playing
Pretend.
Learn to study
And measure
The cracks to
Fall through
As defense.
Learn to
Sneak
And slither,
Learn to watch
Others fall,
Learn to wait
With patience,
Learn to
Listen to all.
Hear words
With pure meanings
And see actions
As they are,
Learn to hang back
And wait
Watching
As the storybook
Rules
Are broken by
New laws.
Lean against
The tree of
Their savior
And feel what it
Was to give
Everything
To thier unanswered
Call.
Then turn to
Your own gentle
Neighbor
And see the confusion,
Minds spinning
To solve –
Each and every
Dilemma
Through rules
Meant for
Ancients;
Hear the words
“I die
So you may live.”
Whose life
Are you living?
To whom are you
Giving?
What’s your
Choice now?
What do you
Desire?
If it’s wealth
That you seek
Go and get it.
If it’s peace,
Lay down your
Arms.
If it’s love
You want
Be open,
If it’s happiness
Then that’s
Also your job!
The world is
Helpful and
Changing
Ever to accommodate
Our desires.
The question
Was lost in
Translation
It was never
“What will you
Give?”
The question
That life begs
To pardon:
“What is it that
Your loving
Heart desires?”
Blacks and whites
Work for those
Who want nothing,
Who need little
From life but
To feel safe.
Blacks and whites
Give comfort
To scared
Children
Who cannot
Believe in
Themselves.
Play the game
Of my daddy
Can beat
Yours,
Or play the
Game of
This is my choice.
My father
Is a
Gentle man
Of peace,
And we all
Preferred it
That way.
“Billy said his
Dad can beat you
But I told him
You’re the best”
My father chuckled
And shook his
Head
“I don’t want
To beat anyone up.
I probably could
But that’s not
My job.”
Next time Billy
Spoke of my father,
I told him
“My dad doesn’t
Want to beat yours.”
Billy said my dad
Was too scared
Hoping to keep
Me engaged.
I walked away.
Those who
Only know
Violence
Can imagine life
No other way,
And those who
Live life gentle
Are free to choose
How to play.
Love started
Freely given
To others at war
With all haste
Thinking they would
Love me peaceful
If only shown
There’s no need
To be afraid.
It was never
About an exchange,
Love was never
A commodity.
But the love
I desired
Was empty
And so I
Patiently wait.
My mother was
My own secret
Weapon
For those who
Would not
Hear the whisper
Of peace.
She’s quieter now
As we both
Stand on this
Shore
And wait for
The return
Of brave and gentle
Noble King.

Christmas Eve.

The hour draws near
And there are tests
Yet to take
And the test maker
Is away from her
Post.
The substitute has
Charms,
More than a few,
And the time is
Growing late.
There are distractions
Beguiling
And tempting,
Diversions
Plentiful await,
But the rewards
Are intrinsic aplenty
And pure intention
Carry me
Through.
So I retreat
To familiar
Abode –
Second home
When childhood
Was drifting
Afar –
And seeking the
Calm and the silence
Just before the test
Is due.
It’s dim here
The light is fading,
So I’ll locate
The switch
On the wall,
And just as miraculous
As electricity,
The new perspective
Reveals
A Christmas Surprise!
Balloons come to life
By lamplight
And rise to meet
Heaven’s walls
And in the
Excitement and flurry
Distract from the
Fancily wrapped
Gifts scattered
Inside.
I rush to the nearest
And most festive
And lift the label
To read
And there scrawled
In blue ink:
From a dear
Friend’s widower
To one who once
Was my all.
Surveying the other
Packages,
I knew instant
And immediately
No labels bore
My name;
No gifts here
Were meant for me.
I wanted to play
With those others
But chose myself
Instead,
And gifts
Offered for another
Seemed almost to
Derail.
Now awake I
Ponder my vision,
What could the omen
Mean?
The instrument
Of my labor
Was never intended for
Me.
It was a joy
To be paid to
Play,
It was a thrill
To craft and hone,
But most importantly
It was a testament
To the power
Of what a tiny
Measure of belief
Can do.
For one who’d forgotten
To dream,
For one whose
Pragmatism
Was a smokescreen
For judgement and blame,
For one who
Believed himself
In prison,
I showed him
To freedom
By other means.
I never doubted what
I’d not learned to
Doubt,
It never occurred
To me I’d
Ever fail.
I chose the environment
For my studies –
I chose to prepare
To test well.
I chose the comfort
Of familiar,
I chose to doubt
Anything could be
For me.
I chose to be
About my own
Business,
I chose to see
To my own
Concerns,
And when I was
Confronted
By misgiven gifters,
I nearly
Allowed myself
To sink into
Self-pity;
I nearly chose to
Forsake it all.
The secret about
Gifts is in the
Sharing –
None benefit from
Binding them
In wrapping and
Bows.
Even gifts addressed
To another
Create magic
To be felt
And exquisitely
Expressed
By all.
No gifts can
Ever be misgiven,
No time is ever
A waste;
No choice can
Be the wrong one,
No love is
Ever in vain.
Back onto
Bigger and better,
I’ve grander
Business to see to.
My choice is
Value and substance,
Trifles
Never will do.

Christmas eve morning my son woke me up mid-dream just as I was reading the label on a blue gift which was wrapped with very gaudy foil-wrap. I spent a good part of the day deciphering what the dream meant to me.

On Time.

Gentle allowing
With peaceful
Grace
Unexpectedly
Expecting
The divine
Every time
To rise from
Meat to
Flame
And to convert,
Converge,
Into what was
Directed
Before the birth
Of time.
And when that
Which rises
Is foe
Wearing clothes
Mimicking
Finery
– When that which
Surfaces
Putrefies –
When human
Is incomplete
And deficient
– That which could
Love
Is lost.
There is no
Force or control
For that which
Will not grow.
There is no
Salve
For that which
Will not
Heal.
If everything is
An attack,
The one who
Would
Give honey
And manna
And gems and jewels
Can only
Give weapons
Of war.
You will make
Me wrong
For my love
If I stay
And love is
Never a waste.
I will remove
It from you
And you will
Seek to
Fill
The me shaped
Place
But it will
Be too late.
Our growth
Places us
On different planes
And my place
Is with
My kinder kind.
Punish and make
Wrong of me
So that I may
See
The true face
You hide.
You may
Have the trifles
Left behind
They are meaningless
Toys turned to dust
And lay scattered in
Temple ruins,
Cheap imitation
Given in haste,
Given in vain,
Poorly crafted
Is all that remains;
And what was
Intended to be
For me
Has yet to
Arrive.
This crystal
Stair
In grand
Palace
I continue to
Climb,
And take the
Substitute teacher’s
Hand in mine
To enjoy our ascent
Until we
Align –
Or climb alone
It makes no difference
To me
As I am
Whole and
Complete
And blissfully
Merrily
Joyfully
Enjoying the game
Called
Fear not
You’re right
On
Time.

Silver SHADOW.

Ancient
Formless
Flowing
Placid
Fluid
Timeless
Feminine
Wise
Divine
Connected
Source
Abiding
Translucent
Directed
Steady
Peaceful
In the recess of
Consciousness
Behind thought which
Steers the thinker
She is me
She is mother
She is the universe
She is god.
Faceless nameless
Soul-self
Beyond what time
Measures
In lines
And hexes
And spirals
The space
Between
The breath
And the breathed
The exhale
Which births
Life
The nothing
Which gives definition
To all
She is neither
And in her neitherness
Others
Are sown
The void
Which divides
Masses
Unto
Masses
Her voice is
The rumbling of
Earthquakes
Hum of
Silence
Ringing
Piercing
Pulse beating
Like the tide
Rustling of fingers
Through wild
Manes
The voices
Of billions
Murmur
In prayer
She is the spine
Of life
Connecting
Heaven to earth
You may see
Her faceless face
When the mask slides
Or the windows
Forget to hide
And when wholly
Surrendered to
Christ is
Alive.

Foreigner.

Writhing vines
And crunchy leaves
And twisted
Snarly snares
Bare witness to
Her treasonous
Trespass,
While
All the while
A surly
Landskeeper slumbers
In his shed,
His head
Drowned in absinthe
And anise dreamscapes
Divine.
Maiden fair
Untended,
Intended,
Betrothed to the
Snapdragons
And dandelions,
A blanket of
Pollen
Her dowry,
Into crickety
Rickety
Canoe
Climbs.
She gathers her
Skirts
Of baby’s breath
And fastens a veil
Of honeysuckle,
And pushes
Off into
The wintry winding
Bubbling
Babbling
Brook.
In Ophelia’s
Repose she
Exhales a lilac
Breeze.
Hawthorne’s
Child
No longer,
That ambrosia
Formulary
Forgot to unbind
And found itself
Apoptosetic;
The inner clock –
Dickery-dock –
Does chime.
Time’s hands
Turn back
Like windmills
Unfettering
Millstones
Long tied,
They slip-
Drop splishy-
Splash-splosh
Like unhitched
Anchors
Into the depths
Left behind.
Gentle current
Carry this maid
Steady forward
As the winding
River widens
And bends
Round tangerine
Clouds stretched through
Indigo skies.
Those yester-shores
Now are foreign
And old tongues
Twisted to
Dialects new,
And slumbering
Landskeepeers
Forgotten,
And multi-chromatic
Schematics lose
Their hue.

Heaven.

There is a green
Plane of life
And a young god
Digging in
Rich earth.
There’s a
Maturing goddess
Still very fond
Of her own infancy
Watching,
Gently swaying
To the rythm
Of the breeze
Trough guardian
Trees who stand
Watchful and true.
There’s a rainbow
Wall of swirly-whirly
Magnetic tide
Which carries
What’s wanted
Swift and succinct.
The occasional
Winged warrior
Flits from verdant
Watchtowers,
Encircling this
Heavenly haven
Carried on
A stream of
Grace.
There’s a fiery
Father
Sending warm wisps
Of love from
His high-throned place
And round and
Nurturing mother
Receives his
Delicate embrace.
Eyes which
See the lens –
Eyes which pierce
The veil –
Eyes which
Frequencies dissemble –
Study the playful
Exchange.
There’s a private
View of heaven
Which opens into
The expanse,
And all who
Venture inward
Enter and wish
Ever to stay.

Deserve.

You deserve
Better.
You deserve the
Best.
You deserve
Laughter
And joy
And sun-kissed
Clouds
And foamy tides
Swirling around
Bare and bony
Shins
Bringing chills
To bones
And the deep resounding
Love which creation
Is ever creating
For you –
Especially you –
Simply because you’re
You!
You deserve
To be held
In darkness
And in light,
Against the backdrop
Of stormy skies
And under umbrellas
Of early morning
Lights.
You deserve to
See the very
Stars
Sparkle
In lovers’ eyes
And the epoch and
Epics
Told of heroic
Peacefully truthful
Truce
Which brings the
Rose to the
Plummy cheeks
Beneath those
Crystalline eyes.
You deserve
Vanquished
Beasts of prey
Laid at ivory
Feet
And prayerful lulling
Sleepy
Lullaby sheep.
You deserve the finest
Garments and fanciest
Flesh
And the bright
Baubles and simple
Dangley
Dingle-dangle
Bangly bits.
You deserve nature’s
Ornamentation
Worn like
A satin sash
Declaring
Prized prideful
Prizes
Given freely
For simply who
You are simply
Being.
You deserve the
Wins
And victories
And celebration
Festivities
Which honor
Deeds many and
Few.
You deserve the
Sun
And moon
And stars,
The wind
And rain
And stone.
You deserve crackling
Fires
Which catch passionately
Stirring your mind
To imaginary
Imagery;
Paper dolls
Silhouetting
Your inner walls
Polished to high
Sheen.
You deserve
The world
And that which
Holds the world
Like a lover
Whose time
Has come to
Leave love
Behind.
You deserve
Every breathy moment
As it expands into
Space and contracts
Into the past.
You deserve each
Nerve ending
Stimulated
Electric
And each follicle
Gently
Tickly
Aroused
To moany
Peaks and precipices
Never before
Crossed.
You deserve
Alpha and omega
And all that
Pretends to
Exist between
And above
And below
And infinitely
Mirrored
Into our private
Pocket
Multiverse.
You deserve each
Retelling and
Replaying
Roleplay
And choosing
The same or
Different choices;
None are wrong
For they are held
By you.
You deserve
Peace.
You deserve
Satisfaction.
You deserve
Bliss.
You deserve
Love.

Universe University.

In the school
Of life
The students
Are the teachers
Even the teachers
Come here to
Learn.
In the school
Of life
The curriculum
Is soul curriculum.
We chose our
Field of study,
Signed up for
Our classes
And picked our
Study buddies
Before we were born.
Some classes
Are more challenging
Than others.
Why else would
We have come
Here?
Some souls
Choose
To expand into
Many subjects
And seek to
Master many fields
And some choose
A deeper dive
Into only one
Or two
Subjects.
Some choose the
Technical route
Some choose
The arts.
All contribute.
All follow
Their unique plan.
Some are there
Just to make the
Smart kids look
Smart.
Some are there
To challenge
What “smart” even
Means.
Some are there
To change the class
And the curriculum
For the entire
School.
An eternal institution
Must evolve.
It’s the nature
Of adolescence
To challenge authority
And to ask questions
And to find one’s
Own way.
It’s the nature
Of youth to
Want to do things
Differently.
The universe has
Supplied it’s
University
With natural
Consequences to
Everything.
Sometimes God
Shows up
As the devil
In order
To correct
A wayward
Student.
The universe is
Fully functional
And operating
Exactly as
It’s meant to.
Gaia is at peace
And the curriculum
Is the best
Available in
This time and space
Reality.
The message is
Obscured by
The channel.
Channels are
People.
People are
Imperfect.
There Will always be
Some static.
How else would
People
Question
And come to
See the
Truth
For themselves?
Everyone is
Learning.
Everyone is
On a path
There are no mistakes
Nothing is broken
Corruption is a part of
Life,
Old cells die off
So that new cells replenish.
Old thinking
Fades to obscurity
So that new thinking
May arise.
Whether or not
You approve,
The universe is
Functioning
As
Intended.
See to
Your own
Homework.
And see how
Others around
You come to you
When they want
Answers.
The time to
Study isn’t at
The frat party.
No one is listening
To you there,
And they are too
Drunk to remember.
Get your degree
And manifest
Greatness for
Yourself
And then watch
As you become
An instrument
Of the light.
Just seeing
The source code
Is not
Understanding it.
We’re all
Mr. Jones
And Mr. Smith.
The matrix was
Our choice.
Unplugging is
Free thinking.
We summon the
Universe’s defenses
By fighting against
What we agreed to.
We put it there.
We created it.
The way in which
The universe is
Manifested
Is a personal
Experience.
We designed it.
We even designed
Our heartaches
And heartbreaks.
That thing you
Keep tripping over
In the middle of
The road
Is the pot of gold
You are the rainbow
It just looks like
A challenge,
It’s your ticket to
Bliss
Next time you
Trip over
The same place in
Life’s road
Look again.
See the gold
Pick it up
Appreciate it
And watch
As the windows
Of heaven open
And pour out
Riches
More than you
Could have previously
Imagined.
The universe
Is doing
Just fine.
How are you today?

Freedom.

Freedom is
Spinning whirling dervishes
In the daisies
And falling
To the earth
Gasping
Lungs afire
Nose cold
And cheeks cherry
Like your favorite
New shoes.
Freedom is
Hours in neighboring
Trees
Setting traps
Of twigs
In fallen leaves
Wading through
Waist high
Grasses
Scratching
Itchily on
Stiff denim.
Freedom is
Surfing green carpeted
Grasses
And fishing from
Rainwater streams
Grabbing grubs
And earthworms
Just to watch
Them wiggle
Wriggle
And yes
They taste terrible!
Freedom is
Knowing
Which wildflowers
Are sweet
And which are
Bitter
Making fresh paint
From bright
Yellow
Dandilions
For sidewalk
Masterpieces.
Freedom is
Picking snap peas
And carrots
Fresh from
Mom’s garden
(Maybe it was a rabbit)
And gulping
Bellies-full of
Coppery water
From the garden
Hose
(That hot sunbaked
Stream tastes best)
Freedom is
Holding the garden hose
In your mouth
And spitting
And sputtering
On the first
Gush as your
Brother giggles
In belly-bent
Delight.
It’s rubber-band
Finger-guns
And cap pistols
And pop rocks.
Freedom is
Naptime
Escape
Ringing the
Cul-de-sac
Before mom
Catches you.
It’s dancing naked
In warm afternoon
Rain
And the sounds of
Midday birds
And stillness
That only quiet
Neighborhoods
Know.
Freedom is
Rushing from
Early morning
Beds
And hallway-dressing
To catch
Your favorite shows.
Freedom is
The eye’s
Treasure hunt
Trying to count
Every new
Wildflower
And noticing
The speed
At which
Neighborhood
Trees grow.
Freedom is
Simple.
Freedom is
Grace.
Freedom is
Ease.
Freedom is
Free.

Billionaire.

Each cell
Bursting individually
Over mountains of
Mouthbuds
Greedily receiving
The spray of
Billions of years
Of careful
Selection –
Products of
The love of
Mother for father
Playfully teasing
The body’s fluids
From puckered pockets
As the soul
Gathers
Mouthward
Savoring each
Burst of life
As it showers
Tongue and teeth
Like heaven’s
Mana.
What infinitesimal
Bounty
Gaia has
Granted
This billionaire
Trust known
As
Earth.